The Girl Who Became A Goddess
by sci-fiwitch
Summary: This is the story of Lady Zhen, a beautiful and spirited young woman who lived during the chaotic and dangerous times of the fall of the Han Empire. Married at a young age, Lady Zhen had to learn to survive in the courts of powerful men and fight for her own future. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Introduction** :

It has been quite a while since I wrote a fanfic and this is my first attempt at writing a historical fan fiction. It is a challenge for me as writer because the end is already documented somewhere in history thus, leaving very little room for creative writing. On the other hand, I have plenty of resource materials from the internet and history books.

Also, I found very limited options to publish my story. There are few and rare historical fan fictions of ancient China in the English language unless the movie/book/game became mainstream.

I was fascinated by Cao Pi and Zhen Ji while watching the Chinese tv drama "Legend of the Goddess Luo" (2013). The story itself was based on the poem written by Cao Zhi, the younger brother of Cao Pi. The rivalry between the brothers is well known in Chinese history. In summary, the poem/story was skewed in a certain direction, pairing Cao Zhi with Zhen Ji as star-crossed lovers and Cao Pi as the evil scheming brother. Whether there was an actual love triangle or square, historical records are silent. That's where I come in.

My fanfic will explore Zhen Ji's relationships with the men in her life as events lead to her untimely demise.

Due to protests from Dynasty Warriors fanfic readers, I have removed the story and re-posted it under Books section: Romance of the 3 Kingdoms. Apologies if I have offended anyone.

As I have limited knowledge of Chinese, the main source of info for me was Wikipedia and any English translations of any Chinese texts available, namely "Romance of the Three Kingdoms". I admit this is a handicap that hopefully, will not impede my readers.

In my fanfic, the following names will be used interchangeably-

Zhen Ji/Zhen Fu/Lady Zhen/Empress Zhen

Cao Pi/Zi Huan/Emperor Wen

Cao Zhi/Zi Jian

Cao Cao/Mengde

I am no expert in Chinese classics but I will try to add notes to the chapters to help clarify certain historical events, if my readers want to know more. Or you could google it to find out. :-) Hope you enjoy the story and please remember to leave your review!

* * *

 **A Girl Dreams**

 _"This girl will become very noble in the future."_

Today is the first day of Spring according to the Lunar Calendar, an auspicious day for my people. As I roused from my sleep, I could hear the servants of my household busy preparing for this day in hushed voices and hurried steps. Sleep eluded me as I could not wait for the festivities to start. The entire family would be offering prayers and we would be getting new clothes and yummy sweets.

Reaching out, I pushed open the latticed windows of my room and welcomed the first rays of the sun as it peeked out from behind grey skies, flooding the misty scenery with an orange glow. The cool breeze caressed by cheeks as I reveled in the sunlight.

The snow that blanketed my provincial town was beginning to thaw as the day gradually warmed. It had been an unusually cold winter in Zhongshan; the rivers were frozen solid and the trees stood starkly against the frost covered ground. It was as if life stood still like a painting.

I closed my eyes and smelled the sweet aromas emanating from the kitchens below, my imaginary painting interrupted by the growling of my stomach.

This is me, this little eight year old girl, perching on a chair by the window sill, still in my night clothes. The biting cold did not bother me as I blew out a warm breath, creating vapors like a fire breathing dragon.

I am Zhen Fu, daughter of Zhen Yi and youngest of five daughters. My family descended from a great general of the Han Empire and the emperor had granted him treasures and lands in return for his service in the imperial army. Eventually, he settled down in Zhongshan. His sword and armor still graced our main hall, a solemn reminder of the Zhens' loyalty to the emperor. My father was a magistrate of the imperial court of this province and my brothers held various important positions in the civil service. My mother was a lady from Changshan's nobility.

I led a privileged life in the Zhen household and I was the apple of my father's eye. The Zhen family were considered wealthy; we had lands, a beautiful mansion with a multitude of servants and many rooms. My mother once told me,

"Zhen Fu, when you were three years old, your Father took you to see a fortune teller. He told Father that you will become very noble when you grow up. Father was very happy and he said to me that when you are fifteen, you will be sent to the emperor's palace to serve the Heavenly Majesty…"

"'My Zhen Fu will make the family proud,' he used to proclaim…"

Mother then sighed. She had been less enthusiastic about the possibility but she did not dare argue with Father. From then on, Father made it his responsibility to tutor me in the language, writing and poetry. He envisioned that I would be as great as the Lady Ban Zhao, who was very wise and beautiful. I was taught how to behave like a lady and learn palace protocols. Alas, not long after that, Father passed away due to illness. Sometimes, I missed him and our tutorials in his library. And the way his stern features melted into a smile whenever I appeared at his doorstep, carrying bamboo scrolls, sheets of paper, brushes and ink. I often wondered whether my future would be different if Father had not visited the soothsayer.

 _Hmm, my elder sisters seemed to be doing fine without a prophesy or two..._

"Aiyo! Daydreaming again…Come away from the window or you'll catch the deadly cold," a loud voice cried out, shattering my quiet thoughts.

Before I could explain, Zi Ma dragged me away and hurriedly closed the window, shuddering from the cold. With determined steps, she marched me to the bath house. Zi Ma was my nursemaid and servant since I was born. She was in charge of my well-being, oftentimes boisterous and loud in her protests if I did anything wrong. Zi Ma's daughter, Zi Yan was my playmate and we were of the same age.

My steaming bath had been prepared as the servants boiled the water on raging fire stoves. My night clothes were swiftly stripped away and I was told to get into the bath tub. Zi Ma proceeded to scrub me down.

"Your mother has asked me to get you dressed up and ready for morning feast. We must not waste time," she fussed.

I liked Zi Ma and have gotten used to her quirks and mannerisms. In all her actions, she meant well and I never begrudged her for it. She was like a second mother to me. My heart fluttered with excitement at the sight of my new clothes; a light pink robe with gold trimmings and exquisite embroidery of butterflies and flowers. The under-clothes were made from silk and the wool overcoat was warm and luxurious. Zi Ma expertly fashioned my long hair into buns and braids, held together by gold pins. Today, I felt like a princess!

As I slipped into my new pair of shoes, a servant knocked on my door. "Little Mistress, it is time. All the family members are already assembled at the great hall," he said, bowing his head.

Zi Ma quickly ushered me along the corridor towards the great hall, my dainty shoes tapping softly on the marble floor. Entering the great hall, I found the entire Zhen household had gathered, chatting animatedly among themselves. Briefly, I glanced at the familiar faces in the hall; Er Ge (Second brother), San Ge (Third Brother), my elder sisters Zhen Jiang, Zhen Tuo, Zhen Dao and Zhen Rong. My sibling's families were also present. Among us, Zhen Rong and I were the only ones that were not married. Father's other wives were also present. They were all dressed to the nines in a sea of resplendent colors. I made my way to Mother and greeted her with a bow and curtsy.

"Zhen Fu, there you are," Mother lovingly held me up. Then, turning to Er Ge, she said, "Now we can start the ceremony…"

I admired the way Mother was able command the respect and attention of everyone with her gentle yet firm manner. She was Father's first wife and hence, the grand matriarch of the household. Since Father and Da Ge (First brother) died, Er Ge was now head of the Zhen family. He was a tall and handsome man, an army officer with troops under his command. Er Ge was married to Lady Li from another village and they had a son together. Lady Li was many years Er Ge's junior, a little too giggly and immature for Mother's liking but she was nice to me.

All of us turned, knelt down and faced the grand altar where the ancestors' tablets were placed. Er Ge led the ceremony as we paid our respects to the dead. Later, we adjourned to the dining hall for the morning feast. A variety of fine dishes lined the tables as we took our seats. There was chicken, pork, duck, seafood and vegetables cooked in different ways; soups, stir-fried, grilled and baked to perfection. Not only did the numerous dishes signify our prosperity, each had a hidden meaning according to our traditions. Er Ge toasted to a fruitful past year and thanked the heavenly gods that our crops had doubled their yield, our coffers and grain stores full and looked forward to another amazing year ahead. Everyone raised their wine cups and drank the wine. The wine tasted bitter and it burned my throat as I tried not to make a sour face in front of Mother. I remembered her advice that well-bred ladies must contain their emotions and not show them in public. I knew Mother was quietly observing me the whole time and was quite pleased with my overall conduct. Inwardly, I was glad as I was on course to becoming a real princess.

When dessert was served, I recognized the sweets were Zi Yan's favorite so I looked around the hall, hoping to see Zi Yan among the servants but she was nowhere to be found.

 _If she was not here, she would meet me in my room later,_ I thought as I slipped a few pieces of sweets into my sleeve pocket. We would share it later.

After the feast, I hurried back to my room with the sweets that I had taken. As I rounded the corner, I bumped into Zhen Rong.

"Whoa! Where are you running off to?" she demanded, glaring at me as she rubbed her sore shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Sister," I mumbled.

Zhen Rong pointed to the direction from whence I came. "The balcony is _that_ way…Don't you want to see the group of horse-riding performers outside our house?"

"Is this something a girl should watch?" I retorted, irritated by her haughty presumptions. I was hoping to see Zi Yan. She would have finished her chores in the kitchen and would be making her way to my room so we could talk.

"Of course! All of us enjoy the performance."

Zhen Rong answered airily, as if she was always right and then turning to me, she said, "Except you, Zhen Fu. You are the queer one!"

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are! You don't act like the other children your age and you don't enjoy playing games…"

"That's not true!"

"Even princesses play games, you know…Mother told me."

I was surprised. What did Zhen Rong know about princesses? Or worse, what did Mother tell her? The fortune teller's prophesy was meant for me only and it was supposed to be a secret that Mother and I shared.

"What do you mean?" I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Zhen Fu in her own little world," she sneered. "Mother said when you are fifteen, you will be sent to the palace to become a princess… Well, I want to go to the palace and become a princess too."

Aghast, I cried, "You can't!"

"And why not? I am more beautiful than you. I know how to dance, sing and play the _erhu._ All you know are useless things like books. No emperor will like you," she accused, pointing her grubby little finger at me.

I swatted her hand away from my face. "You are a liar!"

Anger rose within me as I shoved her back. "Go away! I don't want to see you ever!" I yelled, hurt by her words.

Zhen Rong stood her ground defiantly. "I will not! And you can't make me…"

All hell broke loose as we started pushing, kicking and shoving, pulling at clothes and hair. Zhen Rong was older than me and stronger. Her nails dug into my arms as I screamed out. Suddenly, a pair of hands grabbed me and pulled me back.

"Stop it, Zhen Rong!"

"That's enough, Zhen Fu!"

I turned around and saw Zi Ma holding me while another servant restrained Zhen Rong.

"She started it first," Zhen Rong accused in a shrill voice as I glared daggers at her.

 _I hate her! I hate her!_

"Enough!" Mother's voice thundered as she came to see what the ruckus was about. "Is this the way a lady should behave? Shame on you! Both of you, in my room now!"

Zhen Rong and I were made to kneel in front of Mother as she sat in her favorite chair. The sweets in my sleeve pocket had been scattered on the ground and ruined in the fight. No one was allowed to speak. The silence was deafening as we awaited our punishment. I could see the palpable disappointment on Mother's face as she glared at both of us. Zi Ma who was in the room with us shook her head silently, pleading me to not make a sound. There was no excuse for my poor behavior earlier and no amount of begging could make it better. I hung my head in shame.

"Both of you behaved like a pair of quarreling prostitutes on the street! You have disgraced the Zhen family name…"

My sister started to bawl her eyes out. Her new clothes were soiled and her hair was disheveled. I was equally distraught as hot tears began to roll down my cheeks.

"Quiet!" Mother's words silenced her wailing.

"Both of you are my daughters and I am ashamed of your behavior this morning," Mother's words were cold like steel, "If today was not an auspicious day, I would have the both of you punished severely! Now, go back to your rooms. Both of you will not be allowed to attend the dinner feast tonight…"

Zhen Rong opened her mouth to protest, but thought the better of it and kept it shut.

Many important guests would be invited to the house tonight; dignitaries, generals and well-known personalities in our province would be attending the grand dinner. I thought about the delicious food, the music, poetry and fireworks that would be the highlight of the night. I had been waiting for this dinner feast and it was such a shame to miss it. In my house, Mother's word was law and there was no one who could dare challenge it.

"Quickly, Zhen Fu… Thank your mother for showing mercy," Zi Ma urged as she helped me up.

Now both my knees were sore and my pride injured. "Thank you, Mother for showing mercy," I muttered softly.

"Go!" Mother commanded the both of us to leave.

She refused to even look at me as I made my way back to my room.

Zi Ma tended to the scratches on my hands and face. "Lucky for you, the wounds are superficial ones. They will heal quite nicely," she said as I sat in front of the mirror. The reflection I saw was a young girl whose eyes were puffy from crying, a red nose from too much rubbing and pale lips. In truth, Zhen Rong was more beautiful than I was and I began to wonder if the prophesy was all a lie.

As if she read my thoughts, Zi Ma said, "Do not worry about what Zhen Rong said to you. I heard the servants talking about it. She is just a silly little girl. You, my dear Zhen Fu are so much more than just a pretty face. Mark my words. Kingdoms will fall because of you."

Somehow, her words bore little comfort.

* * *

Many years had gone by since that fateful day. The news of the death of Emperor Ling had spread across the land and soon, the country entered a chaotic period because the central government's authority had weakened, and regional officials and warlords started fighting each other in a bid to gain supremacy. A period of unrest had begun. Border skirmishes were becoming a common occurrence. Er Ge and his troops often had to fend off bandits and defend Zhongshan from attacks of rival lords. Severe famine and floods added to the burden of the common people who suffered terribly.

Meanwhile, safe within the confines of our mansion, I spent most of my time in Father's old library, reading books and using Father's writing materials. This was my hideaway, a place where I was able to focus on advancing my knowledge and appreciate poetry. Later, I began to take interest in music, play the flute and study dance. Zi Ma allowed me into the kitchens to learn cooking and baking while Mother taught me how to sew and embroider clothing. I diligently studied all I could so that I could be the person that Father would be proud of, prophesy or not.

Er Ge often teased me that I was planning to become a female academician. "You should be learning what women traditionally do, like cooking, sewing and weaving…"

Lifting my head, I coolly replied, "I heard that virtuous women in history learnt from the successes and failures of those who lived before them. If they don't read, how did they learn all that?"

Of my siblings, only Er Ge was close to me. He was very much like Father in his behavior - he understood my academic interests and my motivations which partially stemmed from Father's belief that I would be someone great one day. We spent most of our time discussing poetry and scholarly writings, occasionally playing a game of chess.

When I was thirteen, I asked Er Ge if he would send me to the palace when I was ready. He looked sad and reluctant to broach the subject. "Zhen Fu, do you really want to do this? The new emperor is weak and unable to control his subjects, the country is in chaos and the journey to the capital is too dangerous for a young girl like you…"

"Then the emperor needs my help," I said determinedly. "He needs someone at his side that he can trust…"

"You mean someone like _you_?" Er Ge lifted an eyebrow.

"Yes. It is my duty to serve the heavenly king…"

Er Ge only laughed and did not take me seriously. "Zhen Fu, one day you will learn that the world is not like the fairy tales that you read… Won't it be better if you chose to marry someone from our village and stay near to your family? I heard from Mother that some of our neighbors have started inquiries for your hand in marriage…"

I shifted uneasily in my seat and hoping against hope, I pressed on. "But you will send me to the palace, am I right?"

Shaking his head incredulously, he relented, "Yes, when the time is right, Zhen Fu…"

Er Ge was right about the marriage rumors. Zi Ma has also kept me abreast with the latest gossip about which family had approached Mother. Zhen Rong was recently wedded to a wealthy family in the next village and I was the last one to be married.

One night, I woke up to a scream and then the loud roar of fire. The servants were shouting and running about in panic as the fire enveloped the entire room, silken hangings and spreading fast. The terror in their voices told me that it was bad. The night swirled with smoke and cymbals clanged.

 _War is upon us!_ I thought frantically.

"Mother!" I cried out in fear.

"Zhen Fu, wake up!" Zi Ma gasped as she burst into my room. "Heavenly God, save us, they are attacking the town…They will rape the women and murder the children!"

I dashed outside with Zi Ma, night clothes flapping at my legs. The courtyard was ablaze, sparks pouring up into the dark night sky, like fireflies.

Dazed and confused, I did not know where to run or where to go. Suddenly, out of the flames I saw Er Ge, in his army uniform kicking down doors and checking each room for survivors. Zi Ma cried out to him. "Save us! We shall be burned!"

"Come with me, quickly!" he commanded, no trace of fear in his voice.

Together with a group of sobbing women and children that he had rounded up, he led us out of the mansion and told us to head into the forest and hide ourselves. "Stay with your nurse, Zhen Fu. I have to go back and look for more survivors," Er Ge said.

Without hesitation, Zi Ma grabbed my hand and ran towards the hills to safety. I turned around and saw Er Ge riding back into the blazing inferno, the firelight glinted off his armor. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of my stomach as I cried out in panic, "Er Ge! Er Ge!"

He turned over his shoulder and replied, "I will come back for you, Zhen Fu… I have to do this now."

Helpless, I watched Er Ge ride away. "Er Ge, Please don't leave me…"

Zi Ma and I stumbled and crawled our way in the forest with little light to show us the path. None of us really knew where we were going, just that we needed to get away as far as possible from the burning town. Thorns and stones cut my hands and feet until they bled. Finally, we came across an abandoned shed and spent the night there. We tried to make ourselves warm by building a small fire out of dried twigs. I lay awake, rigid on the hard floor, wondering if Mother and the others had made it out safely. Zi Ma too tossed and turned restlessly – she must be worried about her own daughter, Zi Yan.

In the morning, Er Ge had not come for me. For the first time in my life, I had some sense of the danger he had run into to save us. Slowly, it dawned on me that he may not come back, that life was not like a fairy tale, where a vain hope was triumphant and the hero was never cut down in his youth. If Er Ge could fail and die, then can I? Little Zhen Fu?

I was puzzled over this strange world that was opening up before me, this world that was cruel and unrelenting, where innocent women and children were cut down like flies.

 _He will come back_ , I thought, suddenly doubtful. _He will come back!_

We left the shed and sought help from an old couple who were fur trappers. I was filthy, cold, tired and hungry. Zi Ma had told them that we were mother and daughter, who had fled the carnage in the town with nothing but clothes on our backs. We had no silver nor any jewelry but the couple took pity on us and graciously shared their food and offered us shelter.

After two days as refugees, we were grateful for whatever they could offer; watery gruel and a few pieces of dried meat, water to wash ourselves and a roof over our heads. News of my hometown had been slow and unreliable. We dared not venture out on our own, in case we ran into bandits or soldiers.

One day, a search party arrived, soldiers bearing our family banner. Zi Ma was overjoyed as she recognized one of them. "They have come to escort us back!"

Grateful for the humble hospitality shown us by the couple, I asked the captain to give them a few pieces of silver. "My brother will reimburse you and whatever that you require," I told the young man.

He looked down and sighed. "Little Mistress, your brother, Zhen Yan is dead. He was killed in battle."

I stumbled back in shock. _No, no, no…_

Shaking my head in denial, I sobbed, "It cannot be! Er Ge said… He said he would come back for me."

"It was your Mother who ordered the search party… We have been searching for you for over five days now."

Er Ge was dead for five days and I did not know about it. Tearfully, we hurried back to the mansion and as I looked out from our carriage window, I noticed the charred roof and what remained of our house. It was still standing tall amidst the ruins surrounding us. The stench of burnt rot and death assaulted my senses. I had not realized how bad the situation was until now. We were lucky to escape when we had the chance.

White lanterns hung at the main entrance as we rushed in. All I wanted was Mother. She was at the main hall, anxiously pacing when we came in. "Zhen Fu!" she cried out and snatched me into her arms. "Thank heavens, you are alive!"

When Mother released me, she was crying. It shocked me that Mother had suddenly aged, white streaks covered her shiny black hair while lines had appeared on her smooth face. This tragedy had deeply affected us. My other siblings then surrounded us, hugging and sobbing loudly.

"We were so worried about you."

"We thought you were dead."

"You have lost weight, my child… You poor baby."

Overwhelmed by emotions, I fell to my knees and said, "I have caused you so much grief, Mother. Please forgive me."

"Silly child!" Mother said. "I have already lost a son… I cannot bear to lose another child. I thank the gods for bringing you back to me. You must go to your room and rest. You have had a long and hard day…"

I shook my head. "No, Mother. I must pay my respects to Er Ge. He save my life… Please tell me, where is he buried?"

Mother took a deep but shaky breath as she instructed a servant to show me the way. Er Ge was buried next to Father in our family burial plot. His tomb was freshly dug, the gravestone had not been placed there yet. I burnt offerings and lit candles as I knelt down and wept.

"Er Ge, you gave your life for me… I, Zhen Fu will be eternally grateful and will cherish this forever. Pray for us in heaven, especially Mother. She had suffered so much… I promise to take care of your widowed wife and orphaned son so your soul will be at peace."

I bowed three times at his grave. My head began to spin from the anxiety and strain of the past few days. Before I realized what was happening, my vision blacked out as I collapsed into Zi Ma's arms.


	2. Chapter 2

**A Lady Waits**

The endless conflicts between rival warlords had disrupted the livelihoods of the common folk who suffered from poverty and hunger. Famine and floods destroyed crops and homes as refugees started streaming into Zhongshan from other parts of Hebei.

One day, while I was travelling to visit my sister's family, we passed a group of refugees who were making their way south. Wagons were filled with hungry, crying women and children while the men traveled on foot, their faces downcast and hopeless. I turned to Zi Yan and asked, "Who are these people? Where are they going?"

"They are refugees," she replied gravely. "I think this group is heading to Zhongshan..."

My eyes caught a glimpse of a young couple walking in the group - the girl was carrying a baby bundle in her arms while her husband or brother was helping her to walk. She was already too weak, her body swaying and she stumbled, the bundle in her arms fell out and rolled on the ground. Her husband quickly tried to help her up but she had lost consciousness. The others in the group did not even bother to stop to help the young couple, their feet kicking aside the infant as they shuffled past. I gasped in horror and ordered the carriage to turn around. Without thinking, I climbed out of the carriage and ran to pick up the bundled infant from the ground, cradling the child as I approached the couple.

The husband was weeping from anguish as his wife lay motionless in his arms. "Help us, please!"

"Sir, is she your wife?" I asked.

"Yes, she is... Please help her! She is very sick!" he begged tearfully.

"Don't worry, sir. I will help you," I replied and passed the baby to him but the man just shook his head sadly.

"My baby is already dead... She died three days ago!"

My heart nearly stopped as I stared at the tiny infant inside the bundle. I didn't think to check if the baby was still breathing. She was already blue, eyes sunken like black pits and body rigid as a plank. She was so small. I could not forget that image as Zi Yan quickly took the bundle from me and covered the corpse.

"Zhen Fu, are you all right?" she asked, seeing me in a daze.

Shocked, I nodded. "Take them into our carriage... We will find an inn for them to stay," I told Zi Yan.

At a nearby inn, I arranged for the innkeeper to lease the couple a room, prepare food and called a physician to treat the wife. Soon, she woke up and called for her husband. They both wept and knelt down before me.

"You are an angel sent to help us! We do not know how to repay you," he said, bowing before me.

"Please stand up. And here, take the money," I said, placing a few pieces of silver in the man's hand. "Bury your daughter and take care of your wife. That way, your debt to me is paid."

"Thank you! Thank you!"

"Good sir, please tell me where were you heading to, before your wife fainted," I said.

"I was a farmer before the famine hit us. We lost everything - our crops, our animals and our daughter. We were going to a camp not far from Zhongshan. We were told that there would be people who will help us there."

The information perked my interest as I asked them where this camp was. The man then described the place to us.

We bade the couple farewell and returned home. I could not sleep that night as I was moved with pity for their suffering, reality pricking my conscience and demanding that something must be done to help these people. This was the real world while I was still living a sheltered life. The next day, I spoke with Zi Yan.

"Can you show me where is the camp?"

"Are you sure, Zhen Fu?"

With much reluctance, she relented after seeing my determination. "All right... I will show you."

Zi Yan brought me to an open field, several li away from the main town. From my carriage, I saw many of them huddled in makeshift tents and living in unsanitary conditions. Most of them only had clothes on their backs and nothing else. I asked Zi Yan to bring out the food that we had packed earlier.

"Please distribute them out," I told her.

Zi Yan walked into the camp and gave out the food. It was not enough to feed the many hungry mouths and a riot nearly broke out. Finally, I climbed out of my carriage and spoke to them.

"I am Zhen Fu. My family has a grain yard not far from here. If you could elect a representative from your family to follow me, I promise to give out rations and whatever that you need..."

The people there cheered and praised my name.

"Bless you child!"

"Praise the heavens! She has answered our prayers!"

Then, I got to work. My family had large stockpiles of grain, and together with Er Ge's widow, the Lady Li, Zi Yan and a few volunteers, I spent most of my time distributing rice, clothing and blankets to all those who were in need. San Ge was angry when he found out what I was doing. He had planned to take advantage of the situation to sell the grain in exchange for valuable items. Many wealthy families who had lost everything, offered to sell their valuables in return for food and shelter. I had disapproved of his ways – he was a greedy man to even think of taking advantage of the people in need. He and his wife had taken over the family's fortunes after Er Ge died. Mother's health had also declined in recent months. Now she preferred to let my brother run the family business and day to day activities. I did not want to find fault with San Ge- he was officially the head of our family but I was still a Zhen and I had a say in the family.

One day, as I was busy organizing the relief efforts, a group of soldiers rode into our grain yard on their ferocious war horses, scattering the elderly and the poor. Zi Yan quickly ran to inform me of what was happening outside. Angered by the impudence of these soldiers, I walked out to confront them.

"Stop distributing the grain!" their leader shouted. "This grain belongs to the Yuan army… Anyone who takes this grain will be executed!"

I tried to put on a brave front but underneath my sleeves, my hands were shaking with fear. These men looked like seasoned warriors and their swords had seen bloodshed. They had no qualms about killing anyone that stood in their way. I was only a young girl with no means of defense. The crowd was cowering in fear and wailing for mercy. Moved by their plight, I had to step forward.

"What is the meaning of this? This store belongs to the Zhen family… You have no right to come here and take it," I boldly stated, glaring angrily at them.

Their leader was not amused as his hand moved to the hilt of his sword. "Who are you, young lady? You dare defy the orders of Lord Yuan?"

"I am Zhen Fu, daughter of Zhen Yi. This yard belongs to my family," I told them.

Suddenly, the soldiers started laughing among themselves. I became confused by their erratic behavior.

"Greetings, Lady Zhen. It is obvious that you were not informed of the latest news. I have a letter from your brother, Lord Zhen authorizing us to seize the grain yard for Lord Yuan's war efforts…"

He handed the letter to me. Zi Yan helped me to open the letter as I glanced through its contents briefly. My head was filled with questions as I saw no way out of this - my brother's red seal was on that letter. It meant that he had agreed to this.

Then, San Ge appeared, wearing his purple robes and riding his favorite horse. He clumsily dismounted and scowled at me.

"Apologies, my lords… My sister was not aware of this. Please forgive her," he begged, clasping his fists together and bowing his head in supplication.

"There is no need for apologies, Lord Zhen," their captain replied. "I must thank you for riding out here personally to explain the situation to Lady Zhen."

"Yes, yes… You are most understanding. I will have my servants to entertain you and your men at our mansion," San Ge said with a nervous laugh. It was humiliating to see my brother groveling like that. Er Ge would have never stooped so low to these men.

The captain then ordered his soldiers to close the grain stores and drive out the people.

"Zhen Fu, do not fight this," San Ge hissed at me. "Gather your things and leave immediately. We will have a talk with Mother later."

It was no surprise that San Ge would throw his support behind Lord Yuan Shao – he was a powerful man with an mighty army controlling vast territories. If we resisted, his army would wipe us out like pesky bugs and seize our grain anyway. However, the thing that most infuriated me was that San Ge had agreed to Lord Yuan's suggestion to wed me to one of his sons. It was apparent that Lord Yuan wanted to consolidate his power and garner support from the wealthy families.

"Your beauty and your acts of kindness has reached the ears of the most powerful man in the country… Surely, you must have helped one of his lesser relatives, granted a few favors, perhaps," San Ge's wife insinuated.

"I do not know what you are referring to, dear sister-in-law," I told her and turned to my brother. "I am not doing this for fame! There will be no wedding, San Ge. I do not agree to marry into the Yuan family. Father says..."

"Father is dead! I will decide your marriage matters now!" San Ge interrupted angrily.

Then I turned to Mother. "How can you allow him to talk to me like that?!"

"Zhen Fu, calm down," Mother said.

I threw a hateful glare at my brother. "No, I will not calm down! This is my life you are talking about... My future! I know that San Ge never liked me. I am but a thorn in his side. He just wants to get rid of me so that he can control the family riches!"

"That's not true!" San Ge argued and turned away in disgust.

In a placating voice, Mother said, "Zhen Fu, I know you are upset. I don't think we have much of a choice."

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Taking a deep breath, I muttered harshly, "It appears that all this has been decided on my behalf. I have no choice but to obey."

I swept out of the hall and wept bitterly. There was nothing I could do to change my fate. Women of my time had no say in marital matters. I had hoped that San Ge would send me away to the palace like I wanted or make a better marriage proposal for me, preferably one that did not involve any sort of intimidation. This marriage was more of a social contract and a business transaction to buy my family's loyalty and to guarantee that my family members would not act indiscriminately. Mother tried to console me by telling me about the Yuan family and their imperial lineage. I would live in a grand castle in Ye City with many servants. Through marriage, I would be elevated to a higher social status compared to all my other siblings. Father's dream would have finally come true.

 _How was all this noble and great? Was this what Father would have wanted of me?_

The wedding dowry arrived a few days later; bales of silk cloths, chests of gold and silver and precious jewels filled the main hall of the Zhen household. Lord Yuan wanted to show off his wealth. San Ge was delighted while my other sisters were green with envy. I felt like I was being sold to the highest bidder. I would be married to Lord Yuan's second son, Yuan Xi. He was twenty-two years old and had just lost his wife to illness. I have never met him before this. Although, I would be the newly installed "wife", I was sure he had other wives or concubines. It did not matter whether he wanted to take me as his wife as I was sure that he was also just following his father's wishes. Gradually, I came to accept my circumstance and tried to make the most out of this arranged marriage, though a tiny part of me wished that Yuan Xi and I could eventually learn to love each other, just like Father loved Mother. In a stoic and rather endearing way, my parents cared for each other and they shared many happy years together. Er Ge too loved Lady Li, despite Mother's initial misgivings about her. Eventually, Mother came round and loved Lady Li like her own daughter.

On the morning of my wedding day, I was called early. I was already awake for hours, stirring as soon as the first rays of sunlight hit the latticed windows of my room. My thoughts went back to the night my mother and sisters threw me a bridal shower and a farewell party. I had not seen my sisters in quite a while, even Zhen Rong, whom I had many fights as a child, was an emotional wreck. Mother attributed it to the fact that she was with child. Married life seemed to have mellowed her fiery tantrums. We had sweet wine and my favorite dishes in the family courtyard, which was already decked in crimson and gold, from wall coverings to the carpets.

We sang, danced and dined till late at night and I could not hold back my tears.

"My little Zhen Fu, all grown up now," Mother said with tears rolling down her cheeks. "You must have courage."

And that I must always keep my head up and smile. If I smiled, no one would know that I was homesick or afraid. Although Ye City seemed so strange and foreign now, I would become accustomed. I would learn the Yuans' ways and make my home there.

This beautiful summer morning, Zi Ma commanded a great bath sprinkled with rose petals and lovingly supervised the washing of my hair and limbs, manicuring of my fingernails and patted me all over with scented towels. She helped me dress in my wedding finery of crimson silk and gold threaded embroidery. My long hair was oiled and fashioned into a high bun held by gold pins and beaded tassels. The wedding crown of gold and pearls was heavy and ornate. My face was powdered and drawn as was customary for all brides.

Mother then came in a covered my head with a red veil. "Zhen Fu," she said with a heavy heart. "It saddens me that you will be going far away from here. Today, you belong to the Yuans now… I will not know when I shall see you again. Make your family proud, you understand? As a parting gift, I am giving you this jade bangle. Wear it always and think of us…"

I tried not to cry as I knelt before my mother and paid my respects as a filial daughter. Then I was led away towards the wedding carriage – it was drawn by two white mares sporting red ribbons and pom-poms. Zi Ma also tearfully bid me farewell. She would not be following me to Ye City. Instead, Zi Yan will be my companion from this day onward. My wedding entourage, with my trousseau of great traveling chests, my servants and guards, labored along the wooded paths at a slow pace, the Yuan banners flying high.

The wedding band heralded my arrival at Ye City with trumpets, cymbals and drums just after midday. I tried to peer out from behind the crimson veil at the citizens who had lined up along the main avenue to get a better view of the wedding procession. Ye City was huge and overwhelming, an ancient fortress with tall walls. It was very different to my village where houses were scattered all over the hillside. In Ye City, the dwellings were built and structured with gravel roads leading to every direction. Ahead of me stretched a pathway, lined with red carpets, running all the way through the great doorway of the Yuan's castle.

The castle was situated on top of a hillock, overlooking the city below. It was surrounded by tall walls as far as the eye could see. Inside, there were manicured gardens and marble steps, gilded furniture and lavish draperies. The main wedding reception was held in the great hall with tall buildings on each side.

Zi Yan guided me into the main hall towards the dais where Lord Yuan Shao and his wife, Lady Liu were seated. There were so many guests there that I felt a little scared. Then I came to stand beside my would-be husband, my face still obscured by the veil as we knelt in front of Lord Yuan and Lady Liu and paid our respects.

"Lady Zhen, your father and brother were respected officers of the Han and it is my great honor that you should be joining our family," Yuan Shao said kindly.

"Thank you, Lord Yuan," I responded.

After that, Yuan Xi and I stood and bowed to each other as husband and wife. With a wave of his hand, he lifted the bridal veil and we finally laid eyes on each other. My husband was tall, his dark hair swept into a bun tied with crimson silk sash and his short beard trimmed and neat. He was considered good looking but his silent gaze was cold and indifferent.

Yuan Xi did not speak a word to me the rest of the day although we were seated side by side at the formal banquet. After the long dinner of many courses, there was entertainment with music and dancing. Toasts were made for health, prosperity and dozens of children and grandchildren.

Then I was put to bed by my servants in the bridal chamber – there were red candles lit all over the room and a flagon of sweet wine on the table. I had to wait for my husband whilst he had to undergo a few more rounds of wine and slapping ribaldry before his friends and companions escorted him to my door.

The doors were finally closed on the curious and drunk faces of his friends and the two of us were quite alone, frozen like a pair of dolls on the marital bed. There was silence.

"Would you like some wine?" Yuan Xi suggested, his voice thin and disinterested.

"Yes, my lord," I replied with a little smile.

He nodded his head and fetched a brass goblet filled with wine. I took the goblet from him and sipped the heady drink quietly. Yuan Xi gulped down his wine and took another.

"How old are you?" he asked in an abrupt manner.

"Fifteen, my lord."

"You are still a young child," he declared, his face contorted with disgust. "Father always liked the young ones…"

 _Did he not like me? Have I displeased him?_

A shadow of doubt filled my heart.

"My lord, I assure you that I am ready to be wed and …"

"Enough!" he put up his hand to stop me from continuing. "Stand up!"

Dropping the goblets on the floor, he proceeded to remove my wedding clothes as I stood in front of him, a pile growing around my ankles. I smiled at him shyly, a little bit nervous. Yuan Xi was much older than I was so I assumed that he knew what he was doing.

"You're in safe hands," he said. His attempt to reassure me only served to unnerve me more. I remained standing and looked up at the ceiling, while Yuan Xi expertly removed my underclothes. Suddenly, I was completely naked as I sent him an uneasy look. For a moment he appeared to be lost in his thoughts, just staring at me.

"Is something the matter?" I managed in small voice.

"No, not in the least. Go to the bed, please," he told me in a gruff voice. I turned and sat down on the edge of the bed as Yuan Xi started to undress.

Now naked, Yuan Xi walked over to the bed and stood before me. He was muscular and his chest smooth, skin glistening in the candlelight. I had never seen a naked man before and shivered nervously.

"Lie down…"

I nodded and lay down on the bed as he bent down on top of and penetrated me. "Oh!" I gasped in surprise, this was an extremely new and strange experience. Then he began to move rhythmically while I tried to make sense of the whole thing. With a grunt, the deed was done and I became his wife. I was no longer a virgin untouched. I lay as still as stone beside my husband as he slept, careful not to wake him. Nothing my mother or sisters had told me about my wedding night could have prepared me for this- they told me that the act itself was not too uncomfortable, I just had to bear a little pain. Lady Li timidly confessed that her wedding night was like paradise and she really loved Er Ge. Somehow, I doubt I could ever feel the way she felt with my husband. Yuan Xi did his duty– cold and perfunctory. It was required so we could have children. There was no passion nor intimacy that two people shared within the bond of marriage. Sometime between midnight and early morning, I must have fallen asleep. Awakened by Zi Yan's gentle voice, I realized that Yuan Xi had already risen and left the room.

Zi Yan had brought a brass tub of water for me to wash up. As expected, I was bleeding but I knew it would stop soon. I was to greet my mother-in-law in the morning as Zi Yan helped me to dress. Putting on one of the new robes and shoes and making sure I looked presentable, I made my way to the Lotus Courtyard.

Lady Liu was already seated in her garden courtyard together with the other wives and concubines of Yuan Shao when I arrived. Under their watchful gazes, I knelt down in front of Lady Liu and served her tea in a dainty porcelain teacup.

"My lady mother."

Lady Liu sipped the tea slowly while eyeing me from head to toe. "Zhen Fu, I am glad to have finally met you," she said airily. "You may stand up now."

I rose to my feet with my head slightly bowed.

"I was thinking you're not much like your portrait, now that I finally have had a good look at you."

Slightly flushed, I smiled. Portraits were designed to flatter the sitter. I had mine painted just after my fifteenth birthday and I recalled being praised for my grace and beauty.

"Younger, softer, a slight pretty thing, aren't you?" she said begrudgingly. "But I would've preferred a girl with the hips to give us sons… a dozen sons."

The ladies snickered behind their silk sleeves. Never before had I felt so embarrassed and humiliated.

 _I am a highborn lady. Why did she compare me to… to a… a strapping milkmaid?_

I had to say something to defend my honor. "My lady mother, I am healthy and regular in my habits," I began. "I will give you sons…"

The flint faced woman nodded, her disdain apparent. "No doubt you look healthy, Zhen Fu. However, you lack manners required of a Yuan wife. You do not speak until you are told to!"

Then, turning to her ladies, she said, "Bad breeding, the Zhens."

They murmured and giggled among themselves some more.

 _How dare she insult my family!_

I bit back an angry retort and remained silent.

"What is the matter, Zhen Fu?" Lady Liu asked, smiling at me as if daring me to lash out.

Instead, I looked down and remembered Mother's advice, bowing respectfully, "My apologies, my lady mother. I will remember the Yuan family house rules…"

"Indeed," she replied. "You say that you will give us sons… Pray tell, how are you going to achieve this when Yuan Xi has already left Ye City?"

I stared at her in shock as my mind reeled with questions. _When did this happen? Why didn't he send word to me that he was leaving the city? Perhaps, had he forgotten?_

"He left early this morning. Did he not inform you?" Lady Liu said in a knowing tone, pleased to have had the upper hand.

"I… I…did not know this."

It hurt to admit the truth in front of so many people, that I was an incompetent wife and a sign of my failure to retain my husband beside me. To add salt to an already festering wound, Lady Liu said, "Yuan Xi is on his way to Yu Province at his father's orders. It appears that he took his favorite concubine with him."

My humiliation was complete. Her malice was so constant and so impenetrable that it was a waste of time to try to change her mind. Lady Liu was going to be a difficult mother-in-law. Bowing again, I asked to excuse myself.

"I will write to Yuan Xi, to request that I join him in Yu."

Lady Liu merely waved her hand and dismissed me. "And, remember, Zhen Fu… It takes more than just beauty to keep a man by your side," she said with a sly smile and instructed one of her ladies to pass to me the rules of conduct in this castle.

Confronted by a dozen of laughing faces reduced to helpless hysteria, I ducked my head down and pushed through them, and went away.

My initial meeting with Lady Liu was a spectacular disaster. I used to speak my mind and I had the freedom to move about in Zhongshan. But here, nothing got past Lady Liu without her permission. How could I even breathe under her rule?

 _Where was all this hostility coming from? What did I do wrong?_

Lady Liu had made up her mind about me even before she met me. She hated the sight of me and made sure that my life would be difficult in the Yuan household. I could not understand it. Zi Yan who, having talked to the other servants, told me that Lady Liu was not Yuan Xi's real mother.

She was Yuan Shao's consort, promoted to principal wife after Yuan Xi's mother passed away. She was rumored to be a cruel and vindictive person - Lady Liu had Lord Yuan's younger wives and concubines put to death and disfigured if they did not obey her. Once, I came across a woman hanging from a tree in the courtyard with her hair covering her face. I screamed and alerted the guards who quickly took her down. She was one of Yuan Shao's consorts who feared Lady Liu so much that she decided to end her life. Lady Liu did not even shed a tear for her, as she ordered her body to be taken away and buried. Fearing my own fate, I wrote a lengthy letter to Yuan Xi, requesting to join him at Yu Province. I would rather bear my husband's cold indifference than his stepmother's wrath. Not wanting to sound like I was complaining or being ungrateful, I was careful to phrase my words so he would not be offended.

I waited and waited for Yuan Xi's letter. The days were growing shorter as winter approached. Apart from Zi Yan, I was friendless here. I was far from my mother, in a strange land and I knew nobody. There was no one that would help me. Mother's letters always exhorted patience – things would improve eventually. I dared not tell Mother the truth of my isolation and loneliness in the Yuan household. I knew that my circumstances would only improve once I bore Yuan Xi's sons but now, it looked as if I had no chance of redemption.

Then, one day, Yuan Xi's letter finally came – it was a few words, short and abrupt. He never even asked about my well-being as if I was not of importance. In his letter, he wanted me to remain in Ye City and take care of Lady Liu.

 _Wait… what?_

The letter slipped from my fingers as my hopes of leaving Ye City were dashed. My heart sank but I refused to give in to despair. I just have to take the Yuans, their autocratic rule as if they were natural hazards, as unpleasant and as inevitable as bad weather.

My request to see Lady Liu was finally granted after many rejections. I visited my lady mother in the Lotus Courtyard and received not even a nod of the head in return. She was with her ladies in waiting and they showed equally frosty expressions when I arrived.

"My lady mother," I said again, waiting for an acknowledgment.

She turned to me with open dislike. "What do you want?"

Taking a deep breath and swallowing my pride, I told her. "I received a letter from Yuan Xi. He has asked me to remain in Ye City to serve my lady mother. He… he said he will send for me when the time is right. So, here I am at your service."

Yuan Xi did not say the last part in his letter but I was sure that he would send for me soon.

"Really? Why do I need another lady in waiting when I have so many?"

"It is Yuan Xi's wish and also, mine," I said humbly.

"Very well," Lady Liu sounded bored. "I hear you studied music and play the flute… You can teach my ladies reading and writing, maybe teach them a few songs for good measure."

"As you wish, my lady mother."

* * *

Lady Liu sent me and Zi Yan to the outer fringes of the court, the worst rooms and allocated the poorest service. This small garden was like a prison yard as I walked around in the herb garden and the rain drizzled over everything like tears. I had to give up my chambers as only wives who were "worthy" deserved them. In my solitude, I began to explore the castle and learned that it was a maze of courtyards and buildings for families, servants and government officials.

One dreadful day, the Yuan family left for their annual temple retreat outside Ye City without telling us and I had to dash after them, finding my way down unmarked paths, as unwanted and as irrelevant as a wagon of old goods. When I eventually caught up, no one noticed that I was missing and I had to take the room left for servants, above the stables. My place at the Yuan family table was in a far corner, away from the rest of the Yuan family. Dinner conversations were always centered on family oriented discussions about children while no one had anything to say to me.

Yuan Shao must have received divine blessings from the gods that day as he left for war that winter with trumpets blaring and drums accompanying his journey. His army of ten thousand was fearsome and brave, their armors shining in the sun. In his absence, he put his youngest son, Yuan Shang in charge of defense of Ye City. Yuan Shang was Lady Liu's only son; talented, intelligent and good-looking for a boy barely in his twenties and she favored his wives and concubines by lavishing them with gifts and attention while I was hidden away, out of sight.

A year has passed since I was married to Yuan Xi and still, I was childless. Each time, I prayed that my fortunes would change. I waited for Yuan Xi to send for me, another year of fertile life had come and gone. Each time I bled I thought, there goes another chance to make a son for the Yuans wasted.

"Why won't he send for me?" I whispered my lament to the wintry woods.

Soon, I realized that my husband never loved or wanted me. In this little garden of my abode, I could find no peace. I folded my cold hands into my sleeves as I took my usual walk along the stone walls bordering the castle. Even the sentries stationed along the castle walls pitied me; they bowed and greeted me as I passed them like a wandering ghost. At times, I wanted to end this misery so badly that I contemplated throwing myself off the castle walls. Would anyone even notice?

"Look at yourself, Zhen Fu," Zi Yan said as she brushed my hair in front of a brass mirror. "You are growing more beautiful each day and yet, you look so sad and pale, like a flower hiding from the sun. You've become thin and listless. Is there nothing that could cheer you up?"

Leaning on her shoulder, I murmured, "Zi Yan, my dear friend and companion… I feel as if my life is over. I am wasting away in this prison. I wish I could go back to Zhongshan. Do you think Lady Liu will ever allow me to leave this wretched place?"

Zi Yan did not respond immediately as she sighed. "I cannot speak for Lady Liu. She seems to have forgotten us but I will stay by your side forever," she said in earnest.

Poor Zi Yan! I suppose she was also hoping that our situation would change. How could I bear having Zi Yan share my fate?

I grew from a girl of fifteen, ready for love to a neglected, lonely wife of nineteen. These were the times when I drew on the happiness of my childhood years in Zhongshan. Without access to any books, I turned to my flute and music. They reminded me of my home. The paintings that hung on my room walls were of my childhood; the mansion, the river and forests, acres of golden fields and towering mountains. They were my only solace in this miserable place, the only thing keeping me from spiraling into madness.

One day, I noticed from afar beyond the gates of Ye City, the Yuan banners fluttering in the wind. It was Yuan Shao. He had returned from the Battle of Guangdu, weary and defeated. His magnificent army reduced to a handful of bedraggled and hungry survivors. Lord Yuan himself was very ill.

In the summer, Yuan Shao was dead, a mighty warlord felled by his illness. The colorful hangings of Ye castle were swiftly replaced by white drapes. A period of mourning had begun. Lord Yuan's body was laid in state in a funeral hall and all Yuan family members had to wear sack cloths and take turns burning paper offerings while many well-wishers, streamed into the city from all over the countryside. Young and old, rich and poor, had gathered to pay their last respects to their liege.

It was late one night as I was burning incense and paper offerings in the funeral hall, when a tall stranger entered. He walked straight to the altar, knelt down and wept. I looked up and was shocked to see Yuan Xi in front of me that I almost burned my fingers. He must have just arrived from Yu Province as he was still in his riding attire and so, I brought him a set of white clothing.

"You may want to put this on," I told him gently.

He looked up at me, surprised and confused. "Who are you?"

I was wearing a sack veil which obscured my face so I lifted my hands and removed the veil covering. Looking up at him, I replied, "I am your wife, Zhen Fu."

"Zhen Fu," he repeated, as if recalling a faint memory. "You look different," he stammered, embarrassed by this encounter. "How have you been keeping?"

Instead of compassion and concern, I saw a look of guilt and pity on his face. I turned away, disappointed.

"I am well," I replied flatly.

"Zhen Fu, I…"

Yuan Xi looked as if he wanted to tell me something but a child's voice interrupted us. "Father!"

We both turned towards the doorway and saw an older woman dressed in resplendent robes with two young children. It must be his other family – his consort and their children had also come to pay their last respects to Yuan Shao. The woman came forward and touched Yuan Xi's hand.

"My lord, are you all right?" his beautiful consort asked, casting a doubtful glance my way.

"Yes, yes… I am," Yuan Xi replied, a little distracted by my presence.

"I will take my leave now and allow your family some time alone," I said, feeling a little awkward.

 _Why do I feel uncomfortable by their presence? It should not be awkward at all_ , I thought. After all, I was his principal wife! Yet, I was an outsider in this family.

"Wait, Zhen Fu…" Yuan Xi pleaded and then said to his consort, "Lady Tian, please meet my wife, the Lady Zhen."

Lady Tian's eyes widened with surprise as she quickly bowed to me. "It is an honor to meet you, Lady Zhen."

"Likewise, Lady Tian," I replied kindly. Although she was older than me, I could see that she was nervous and unsure of this new development.

"Since you have just arrived and you must be tired, I will ask the servants to prepare your rooms," I told them.

"Thank you, Zhen Fu," Yuan Xi said, the look in his eyes warmed to me.

Bowing to my husband, I left the funeral hall with mixed feelings.

Zi Yan was overjoyed by the news of Yuan Xi's return that night. She was busy running around selecting my best dresses and fretting about my looks. "He will surely ask for your presence," she said confidently.

"Please stop, Zi Yan," I laughed at her antics. "Yuan Xi is here to pay his respects to his father. He is not here to see me."

"But this is an opportunity not to be missed!" Zi Yan urged me to reconsider. "This is your chance to leave this horrible place! If he still has any feelings for you, he will take you with him."

I was not sure if I wanted to leave with Yuan Xi. It appeared that he was doing fine in Yu Province with his family. Did I really want to be the proverbial third wheel? Traditions state that my place was with my husband. But all I ever wanted, was to go back to Zhongshan. I would be content to live out my life there, if I never marry again.

Not wanting to dampen Zi Yan's hopes, I promised to speak with Yuan Xi after the funeral. If he deemed it fit, he could release our marriage pact and send me home.

The next morning, I was to resume my duties at the funeral hall and was surprised by the number of armed soldiers stationed outside. _What was going on here?_

Then, Lady Liu arrived at the funeral hall with her son, Yuan Shang. Yuan Xi and his family came in shortly after them. They took their places on opposite ends of the hall and waited. Lady Liu was exceptionally fidgety and worried that day as she kept wringing her hands. Yuan Xi's face was cast in stone.

The tension in the room rose when a soldier came running in, announcing the arrival of Yuan Shao's eldest son, Yuan Tan. Lady Liu turned pale as she quickly consulted one of Yuan Shao's advisors in hushed tones.

Then, Yuan Tan arrived with a group of soldiers. I have never met Yuan Tan before but it was easy to recognize him as he looked very much like a younger version of his father, Yuan Shao – brash and arrogant. He ignored Lady Liu and went straight to the altar and knelt down. He bowed three times and placed lit joss sticks in the ash urn. The silence in the hall was broken when Yuan Tan greeted his brothers and sisters cordially. When he came to Lady Liu, he hesitated.

"Mother, it is good to see you," he said in a resentful tone.

Lady Liu looked almost afraid of him. "Yuan Tan…"

"Apart from paying my respects to Father, I came here to see Father's last will and testament," he said levelly. "I am sure he has informed his advisors on his successor…"

Then one of the advisors stepped forward and said, "Lord Yuan Shao on his deathbed, informed us that his successor will be Yuan Shang."

"Impossible!" Yuan Tan shouted. "I do not accept this lie!"

The advisor was shaken by the outburst and quickly produced a letter which supposedly contained Yuan Shao's red seal.

"Lord Yuan Tan, you may see it for yourself…"

Yuan Xi then tried to calm his brother. "Elder Brother, I have also seen the letter. It is clear that Father wanted Yuan Shang to succeed him."

Yuan Tan pushed Yuan Xi away and tore the letter into pieces. The whole court was in uproar as Yuan Shang lunged forward to grab the letter but was held back by Lady Liu and his men. Soldiers on both sides drew their swords.

Yuan Tan pointed to his younger brother. "I do not believe that Father chose _you_ as his successor! Our traditions state that the eldest will inherit their Father's kingdom… This is a conspiracy. Father was somehow tricked to sign the letter!" Then, Yuan Tan turned to Lady Liu with hatred in his eyes.

"It is you, evil woman! What did you do to Father? I should not have gone to Qing Province and left him at your mercy," he roared. "You will regret this!"

"No! No!" Lady Liu cried as she vainly tried to deny the accusation and flee from Yuan Tan's wrath.

"Arrest him!" Yuan Shang ordered but some of his men hesitated as they were unsure of who to obey. Both were Yuan Shao's sons.

Then, a few of Yuan Shao's former generals and advisors came out in support of Yuan Tan while the rest remained with Yuan Shang. This was not a good sign. Now, the family was split into two factions. Yuan Tan laughed at his younger brother's orders.

"Do you think I came here with only a small group of my men?" he scoffed. "Clearly, you underestimate me, Brother. Beyond the city gates are five thousand of my men who will lay siege on this fort if I do not come out alive… Surrender to me now and I guarantee there will be no bloodbath today."

Lady Liu was furious. "How dare you defy your dead Father's wishes?!"

"There will be no bloodbath, Elder Brother!" shouted Yuan Shang. "Fight me – one on one combat. The winner takes all!"

"Agreed!" replied Yuan Tan as he grabbed a soldier's sword and rushed at Yuan Shang, who was ready for him.

Both swords clashed in a stunning display of martial arts, both equally skilled. They matched, parried and fended off each other's strikes as all of us watched with baited breath. Suddenly, Yuan Tan managed to strike a palm on Yuan Shang's chest, the force of it sent Yuan Shang stumbling back and coughing out a mouthful of blood while Yuan Shang's sword sliced Yuan Tan's arm. Blood had been spilled. The ladies in the hall screamed and wailed in terror. A few fainted from the sight of blood. I was shocked by the violence in front of my eyes and nearly retched.

"Enough! Both of you!" Yuan Xi cried out as he stood between them. "What has happened to us? Why are we killing each other? Father has not been given a proper burial yet. Can't we wait to talk this over as a family?"

"There is nothing to discuss anymore," Yuan Tan hissed at Lady Liu. "It is all her fault!"

"Stop it, now!" Yuan Xi sighed. "Stop, for Father's sake and leave the city, Elder Brother. No harm will come to you or your men."

Lady Liu wanted to protest but Yuan Shang shook his head and asked her to be quiet.

"I will go… but I warn you, this is not the end," Yuan Tan swore as he tossed his sword away and walked out. No one dared to stop him.

"Yuan Xi, you have made a fatal mistake of letting your brother go," one of the advisors told him. "He will declare war on us as soon as your Father is buried."

Murmurs of war and conflict spread throughout the hall but Yuan Xi was undaunted. "My brother will do no such thing! Get the physician to look at his injury," he pointed to Yuan Shang.

As Yuan Shang was led away to be treated, everyone started to leave the hall.

"I want Yuan Xi under house arrest," said a vengeful Lady Liu as she was immensely angered by the outcome. "He is not allowed to leave Ye City!"

Yuan Shang's men moved toward Yuan Xi.

"Don't worry, Mother. I have no intention of going anywhere," retorted Yuan Xi as he walked out.

Guilt was written all over Lady Liu's face when confronted by Yuan Tan earlier that day. She must have had a hand in Yuan Shang's rise to power. Lady Liu had been secretly garnering support for her son over the years. It did not even faze her when Yuan Shang was injured in the duel.

I worried about Yuan Xi's own life. Lady Liu would not stop until her son controlled all of Yuan Shao's army; she would not hesitate to get rid of her stepson if he became an obstacle to her ambitions. As the days passed, Yuan Xi's chances of getting out alive seemed to dim. He was being imprisoned in his room with guards at the door. No one was allowed to see him. Yuan Xi did not deserve die. The quarrel was between Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang but Lady Liu was too blinded by her greed for power to know the difference. It was then, I decided that I had to do something to save him, if not for old time's sake, it would be the right thing to do.

* * *

The next day, I paid a visit to Lady Tian and she was worried for Yuan Xi too. She too had heard about the commotion in the funeral hall and was relieved to see me. Lady Tian was pale and her eyes red-shot – she could not sleep a wink since Yuan Xi was arrested.

"I tried, even begged Lady Liu to allow us to see Yuan Xi but she refused and the guards would not allow me into his room. The children are asking for their father," she said sadly. "What do I tell them?"

I confided in her my thoughts and she seemed to agree that they had to leave Ye City.

"There must still be a few good men, loyal to Yuan Xi in this castle. I need to ask for their help if I only knew who to approach," I said with a sigh.

Lady Tian nodded. "I may be able to help. I was present during one of Yuan Xi's meeting with his advisors. One of them is Master Hu. He is still in Ye City."

We concocted a plan to escape from Ye City as Lady Tian quickly sent a secret note to Master Hu. Zi Yan hid the note in her basket when she went out in the morning. Immediately, he responded that he would help us in any way he could. It would be difficult but not impossible. If we could get Yuan Xi out, Master Hu would provide the carriage that would take him out of the city.

The gates of the city were heavily guarded and since the unfortunate episode at Yuan Shao's wake; anyone entering or exiting was to be thoroughly searched. Over the next few days, Zi Yan observed the soldiers guarding Yuan Xi and noted the changing of guard. There were one or two of them that I recognized – they were former sentries at the castle wall and we had exchanged a few customary greetings before. They would certainly remember the festive cakes that I baked for them.

It was agreed that we would smuggle Yuan Xi out on the first new moon. A sense of excitement coursed over my whole being as Zi Yan and I packed our things. "We have to travel light, Zi Yan," I told her quietly. "Leave all the jewelry and robes behind…"

She nodded albeit reluctantly.

"Don't worry, Zi Yan… When we reach Yu Province, Yuan Xi will make up for the loss I'm sure," I suggested and only then did Zi Yan smiled brightly. We were going on an adventure, a dangerous one as we could be caught and punished or worse, executed if Lady Liu found out. The plan was to be carried out tonight under the cover of darkness. I baked a tray of soft fluffy sweetcakes and infused them with sleeping potion. The guards would not notice as it was odorless and tasteless. Once they were knocked out, I would use their key and release Yuan Xi. In the meantime, Lady Tian would wait for us at the outer pavilion with her children.

It was a very dark after the customary prayers to the gods at new moon and Lady Liu had retired to her chambers early. At the sound of the cymbal indicating midnight, I took my basket of sweetcakes and made my way to Yuan Xi's room. There were 2 guards there, looking bored and sleepy at their posts. The candles in Yuan Xi's room were still lit, indicating that he was awake.

Summoning my courage, I walked towards the guards and immediately, they blocked my path. "Lady Zhen, you cannot enter!" they said as they recognized me.

"No matter, good sirs. I have brought you sweetcakes for supper," I told them cheerily.

They were only too happy to accept the cakes and ate them greedily. Soon, they were fast asleep and snoring. Unhooking the keys from the guard's belt, I opened the heavy lock and pushed the door open.

Yuan Xi was at his writing desk and was surprised to see me. He quickly stood up. "Zhen Fu, what are you doing here?"

"There is no time to waste. I am taking you out of Ye City," I whispered.

"But how?"

Then he saw the sleeping guards outside and understood. I quickly briefed him on the plan. We were to meet Lady Tian and his children while Master Hu would be waiting for us outside the castle with his special purpose carriage.

Yuan Xi's eyes widened at my audacity to carry out the daring escape and he reached out and took my hands in his. "Zhen Fu, this is a great risk you are taking. I… I am ashamed for treating you badly…"

 _Yes, you have ignored me and left me in the hands of your evil stepmother for many years! Oh, how I have suffered! If only you would treat me kindly from now on, I am willing to forgive you._

It was not a time to be making romantic overtures but I was stunned by the way he gazed at me – mesmerized, awed, grateful and sorry at the same time. It took my breath away.

 _I, Zhen Fu, will be treasured and loved! A sweet ending to all the sufferings I endured,_ I thought, my heart filled with hope.

Suddenly, Yuan Shang burst into the room with a sword in his hand shouting, "Who dares to enter here?"

And when he saw us, he was startled. "Elder Brother! Lady Zhen!" he said, lowering his sword, embarrassed by his intrusion.

"I saw the guards sleeping and the door wide open, I thought an assassin had broken in…"

Yuan Xi pulled me protectively behind him and held up his hand. "There is no assassin here, Yuan Shang. What are you doing here at this hour?"

Yuan Shang seemed flustered and worried. "I came to talk to you, Elder Brother," he said.

"If you consider me as your brother, you would not arrest me," Yuan Xi bristled.

"It was Mother's idea," he replied, rather sheepishly. "I tried to persuade Mother to release you but she is increasingly paranoid as our brother just declared war on us…"

Yuan Xi was shocked and saddened by the news. "He what?! How could he do this? Stupid, arrogant fool…"

"That was why I wanted to see you."

I took this opportunity to speak up. "My lord, Yuan Shang, your brother is in danger now more than ever. You alone know what your mother is capable of. If you want to save your brother's life, you will help us escape..."

Then, he realized that he had inadvertently walked into an escape plan as he tried to ally our fears. "Mother would never hurt…"

"If a push came to a shove, you know very well what will happen," I urged. "Yuan Xi does not deserve this…Help us!"

Yuan Shang paced the room, unsure of what to do. He tried to deny that his mother would inflict harm on his sibling but in reality, he sort of guessed that I was right.

"All right… I'll help you."

We met up with Lady Tian, Zi Yan and the children at the outer pavilion of the castle. Master Hu was already waiting there. They were initially suspicious of Yuan Shang but Yuan Xi assured them that he meant well.

Master Hu's special carriage had a secret compartment hidden in the floor of the carriage, enough to fit a man. Yuan Xi slipped in and closed the panel while the ladies and children climbed on board. We were told to be very quiet as Yuan Shang rode his horse and led the carriage out to the gates. The guards immediately bowed when they saw him. "I wish to bring my family out for a night's ride. Open the gates!"

The guard was hesitant and a little suspicious.

"It is already late, my lord. And it is dangerous as bandits may be lurking at this hour," he said.

Yuan Shang waved off his concern. "I am well aware of the risk and am well prepared… The bandits will not dare to attack us."

The soldier quickly bowed and ordered the gates to be opened.

After we were safely out of Ye City gates, Yuan Shang kicked the horse into a gallop as we headed toward the river. Master Hu had arranged for a boat to take us to the other side. From there, it would be a long journey to Yu Province. He had cautioned against using the usual route as Lady Liu would order the soldiers to look there first. We were to use a long roundabout way but it would be safe, especially for the children.

The smell of the cold crisp air felt invigorating to my senses after being locked away in the castle for so long. The sound of the river was music to my ears as was the taste of freedom. I would have expected Yuan Xi to be happy but he looked pensive as he watched Yuan Shang helping Lady Tian and the children into the boat.

"What is the matter, Yuan Xi?" I asked.

"I never imagined that our great family would end up like this, torn apart. Brother against brother… Wars waged on a whim," he mumbled, looking at his younger brother. "All will be lost and the remnants of my father's legacy will be devoured by vultures waiting in the wings…This is all the family I have now…"

 _Family…_

Suddenly, I felt a lump in my throat. I thought of Mother, my sisters Zhen Jiang, Zhen Tuo, Zhen Dao, Zhen Rong and their families, kind and caring Lady Li, Zi Ma… faces of everyone in Zhongshan flashed before me as I stared at the deep, black river.

Yuan Shang then came up and Yuan Xi hugged him. "Goodbye, brother and thank you. It breaks my heart to leave like this. I will write to our brother and try to reason with him. I hope we will meet again."

Yuan Shang smiled. "We will."

"Come, Zhen Fu…It is time to go," Yuan Xi said with a grin. "You will like Yu Province…"

"Zhen Fu?" Zi Yan called when she noticed my hesitation.

I looked up at Yuan Xi and Zi Yan's faces. "No…" I shook my head. "I cannot run away with you…"

 _I must not be selfish…_

Zi Yan was horrified at my sudden change of mind.

"Zhen Fu, are you out of your mind? You will be in danger if you stay!" Yuan Xi grabbed my shoulder and tried to reason with me.

I looked up at my husband and said, "You have your family. They are waiting for you in the boat. And I… I have mine too…in Zhongshan."

My voice cracked as tears began to run down my cheeks, a horrible premonition gripped me.

"If I leave with you, Lady Liu will execute my whole family, for my crime… I would rather stay and bear this guilt alone," I said, as my legs suddenly gave way and I sank down on the riverbank dejectedly. How quickly this opportunity presented itself and was taken away just like that.

Yuan Xi pulled me into a hug and wept. "My brave, courageous wife! It is my fault that I cannot protect you and your family. I am a useless husband…"

"Do not weep for me, Yuan Xi," I told him. "You are a good man… It is just that we are not fated to be together. You have a family to care for now… You need to go with them."

"Elder Brother, I promise to take care of sister-in-law. She won't be harmed," Yuan Shang said. "We will wait for your return."

Yuan Xi nodded and wiped away his tears with a sigh. "I will always remember you, Zhen Fu," he said.

"And I will remember you."

The boat pushed away from the shore and sailed down the river. By dawn, they were gone. It was the last time I ever saw Yuan Xi again.

* * *

Yuan Shang and I returned to the castle though a secret door. It led us right into the kitchens and washing area. The entire castle was in an uproar when the guards found out that Yuan Xi had escaped.

"Go back to your room and change out of your clothes. Pretend that you have just got out of bed," Yuan Shang told me and I quickly nodded. "I will take care of the rest."

Torches were everywhere as the soldiers searched the castle. My knowledge of the castle served me well as I made it back to my room unnoticed. I quickly changed into my night clothes and pulled a cloak over my shoulders. The soiled robes were hidden away just as the guards banged on my door.

"Open up!"

I went to the door and opened it for them. "What has happened?" I pretended to ask.

"Lord Yuan's second son has escaped and we must find him," one of the guards said. "We want to check your room."

"Of course."

The guards did not find anything unusual in my room and left.

It was the next morning that Yuan Shang told his mother that he was responsible for Yuan Xi's escape. It was he who drugged the guards and sent Yuan Xi across the river. Lady Liu was angered by this but she could do nothing to her own son. I was soon summoned to the great hall and bowed before Yuan Shang and Lady Liu.

"Lord Yuan Shang... My lady mother..."

"We have summoned you here to inform you that your husband has already left Ye City," Lady Liu said.

I gazed at them blankly.

"Apparently, you are bad luck. He left you twice," Lady Liu laughed cruelly as I lowered my eyes to the ground.

 _Let her think of me as a bad omen... a talisman... At least, Yuan Xi is safe. My sacrifice will be worth it..._

"I should return to my work now," I told her. "May I be dismissed?"

"Go!" Yuan Shang ordered.

As I turned to leave, I nodded to Yuan Shang, thanking him for keeping our secret.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : _There is no sufficient conclusion on why Yuan Xi could have left his newly wedded wife in Ye City and not take her with him to Yu Province. My take is that he was just not that into her. Romance of the Three Kingdoms (ROTK) states that the reason she was in Ye City was because her family did not allow her to leave. According to Chinese customs, once a woman is married to the groom's family, she is considered their property. Moreover, Yuan Shao was a great warlord at that time. The Zhen family could not have dictated terms to them._

 _Special thanks to SilentNinja for invaluable suggestions and inspiring me to write._

 _If you like this story, please leave a review. Many thanks! I will be updating regularly._


	3. Chapter 3

**A Lady in Peril**

I dreamed that I was back in Zhongshan, wandering alone into our barley fields, feeling the breeze in my face and touching the barley stalks with the tips of my fingers as I walked by. The sun was shining brightly as I closed my eyes and spun around, carefree and happy. The sound of the rustling leaves and the gurgling stream nearby were music to my ears. _It is so peaceful… so quiet._

I made my way to my favorite spot under an oak tree by the river and sat down, but as soon as I did, the sky suddenly turned grey. Dark clouds started to roll overhead as thunder and lightning flashed. I turned my gaze upwards and to my horror, thousands of fiery arrows rained down on my old residence not far away. I screamed and started running back. "Mother!"

The barley fields had turned to ash and the smell of burned soil assailed my senses, making it hard for me to breathe. My pretty dress and shoes were caked in black soot as I stumbled on the uneven terrain. I tried to get up and realized that there was blood on my hands. Pools of blood started appearing everywhere around me while the screams of men, women and children grew louder and louder.

"Stop! Please stop!" I cried, covering my ears.

"Zhen Fu! Zhen Fu!"

I heard a faint voice over the chaos and woke up with a start, breathing hard as I realized I was in my own bed. I was shaking in cold sweat.

"Zhen Fu, you had a bad dream," Zi Yan said worriedly.

 _It felt so real…so vivid. The blood on my hands was thick and sticky and there was a strange metallic taste in my mouth._

"I am all right, Zi Yan," I assured her. "Just a bad dream."

In reality, the nightmares started a few days ago and it was always the same. I could not help feeling that something terrible was about to happen. Surely, nothing would happen here inside the fortified city of Ye, I thought. It was Yuan Shao's stronghold and seat of power. No enemy would be foolish or arrogant enough to attack it, unless the enemy was Cao Cao.

* * *

I first heard of Cao Cao's name while serving Lord Yuan Shao and his generals at a grand dinner held at the castle. As hostess, Lady Liu wanted to show off her daughters and daughters-in-law; I was added in at the last minute when one of them had fallen ill. Some of the ladies played musical instruments, others danced and I was to serve wine at the banquet tables.

There were strict rules not to engage in any kind of conversation or flirtation. We were like showpieces, dressed in colorful robes and pretty headdresses with wine pitchers in our hands. Lady Liu proudly announced to everyone our names and when my name was mentioned, one of the younger officers of Yuan Shao's army suddenly stood up and bowed to me. "Lady Zhen, it is an honor to meet you at last. My family also hails from Zhongshan and we have all benefited from my lady's kindness and generosity," he said.

Lord Yuan Shao was intrigued as he asked, "Is this true, Lady Zhen?"

"My Lord, I do not recall this gentleman's family but it was a time of famine. Our neighbors were suffering from hunger, so we distributed our surplus grain to help them," I replied with a humble bow.

"Well said!" Yuan Shao exclaimed. "Riches should be shared with people in times of need. We are lucky that Ye City is bountiful with natural resources. Our people do not have to starve. Lady Zhen, I am proud to have a lovely and compassionate daughter-in-law. Come and serve at my table… "

All eyes rested on me as I stepped up with my wine pitcher and ignored Lady Liu's obvious scowl.

"As you wish, my lord."

The banquet dragged on till the wee hours of the morning as Yuan Shao discussed political and military matters over wine with his generals and advisors. One of his guests was a man by the name of Liu Bei - he had just come from Cao Cao's camp and was able to provide detailed information on his army. Cao Cao's name was mentioned many times that night as Yuan Shao's advisors perceived him as an immediate enemy of the state – he was cunning and deceitful. But Yuan Shao appeared reluctant to view him that way and he preferred to call him by his name, Mengde.

As I was serving the main table, I had to be present until Yuan Shao finished or at least, until he dismissed me. Lady Liu, the musicians and dancers had already left the hall as the night wore on.

"Mengde can be blatant and insistent in his wayward pursuits," Yuan Shao offered a plausible reason.

"My lord, you may still view him as your friend of old days but he may share the same sentiment," said one of the advisors, known as Counsellor Chen Lin.

"My lord, he is amassing an army."

"I'm sure he has designs on your territories," a general by the name of Zhang He said. "We have control over many strategic sites. If we strike first, we will end Cao Cao's ambitions now!"

Yuan Shao shook his head. "No, Zhang He… He is not a threat to me, not yet."

I listened intently to their conversation and a picture began to form in my mind about this man they called Cao Cao. Yuan Shao's advisors portrayed him as a cruel and merciless tyrant but Yuan Shao saw him as a loyal friend and ally. This Cao Cao was definitely an enigma.

* * *

I met Chen Lin again in the courtyard one day and he looked visibly worried. He remembered me and was very kind enough to share his thoughts.

"Lady Zhen, you are well mannered and knowledgeable," he commented as I asked him whether he was worried about Cao Cao. "And yes, I am definitely worried!"

It soon became clear that Cao Cao had indeed become a threat to Yuan Shao. He wanted to control the most populated and prosperous cities of the central plains and northern China. It was rumored that Cao Cao had the Emperor Xian under his control, making him a puppet ruler and that he was turning his focus on eliminating Yuan Shao.

Offers of entreaty were made by Emperor Xian to Yuan Shao but he refused them as he knew that it was Cao Cao who had instigated it. In fact, he felt insulted by Cao Cao's overtures and it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Yuan Shao had asked Chen Lin to write an edict vilifying Cao Cao, mocking his ancestors and basically, insinuating that he wanted to usurp the throne. It was a declaration of war on Cao Cao which culminated in the Battle of Guangdu.

It was much later, after the war, that I met Chen Lin again and he revealed to me how Cao Cao had defeated Yuan Shao, despite being outnumbered in Guangdu. Cao Cao's reputation for trickery and ruthlessness added awe and fascination to his name. He had sent his men to sabotage Yuan Shao's food supply by burning the grain stores, thus effectively cutting Yuan Shao's war campaign short. Yuan Shao had already lost most of his capable generals and had no other choice but to order a retreat.

Chen Lin shook his head with a sigh. "This victory will embolden Cao Cao's war efforts against us," he said. "Lord Yuan is also gravely ill. War will soon be upon us."

He was right. After Yuan Shao died, Yuan Tan soon declared war on his brother, Yuan Shang. Cao Cao seized the opportunity to launch an attack on Yuan Shao's territories. Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang, whose armies were weakened by civil war could not stem the tide of Cao Cao's formidable army. In a matter of days, Cao Cao's army had arrived at our doorstep. Yuan Shang led his army to face him and the defense of Ye City was left to a few brave men. News of Yuan Shang's defeat by Cao Cao soon reached Ye City, which greatly lowered the soldiers' morale. They had hoped that Yuan Xi would be able to come to the rescue with additional men and supplies.

Ye City, left on its own, became isolated, and by the beginning of autumn, the people of the city were starving and dying. Cao Cao's men had effectively cordoned off Ye City and prevented much needed supplies from reaching the people. Many were seen begging in the streets. My heart went out to these people that I went to see Lady Liu about it. But I found her in constant despair – her son was out there in the battlefield and her home was now threatened. She had been drinking too much wine to drown her sorrows.

"My Lady Mother, I appeal to you to help the people of Ye. We have enough food supply in our grain stores to distribute to them," I said, bowing my head.

"What do I care? Let all of them starve! I have lost my husband and my son… And we will all be raped and sold as slaves!" she wailed hysterically. Her ladies-in-waiting were also sobbing and offered no help.

"My Lady Mother, surely you do not mean that," I said, horrified. "We need to stay united with the people. If you could just agree to offer assistance, we still have hope!"

"Hope? What hope do we have? Cao Cao is outside our city gates! We're doomed… doomed!"

Lady Liu was too distraught to think rationally so I decided to meet with the General in charge of the city's defense, Shen Pei. He was Yuan Shang's loyal subject and it was because of him, Ye City remained defiant under Cao Cao's onslaught. He was discussing military matters with his advisors when I sought his presence. I entered the war room and bowed to all of them.

"General Shen, I know that you are a very busy man but the reason I have come, is to seek your advice and accord on what I am about to propose," I began, my eyes staring straight at him. This was not a time to shirk away and be timid.

"Lady Zhen, my lieges Yuan Shao and Yuan Shang have held you in high regard. Pray tell, what it is that you need?" he said, grateful for the distraction. I could see that he was weary and tired.

"Ye City has been surrounded by our enemy for many months and the people are stuck in the city. They have no food to last the winter. Many are dying on the streets, some could not even afford a proper burial. They are families of our soldiers; women and children whose fathers and sons have gone to war to protect us and this city. They are starving. We have enough food stores in the palace to distribute to them. Please allow me to open the gates and bring them in," I said. "All I need is your seal of approval."

Shen Pei was quiet and thoughtful for a moment. "Lady Zhen, your plan to feed the city folk is well meaning and worthy of praise. However, I do not know how long Ye City can hold out… It could be months or years… What do you propose to do when the food runs out?"

"I am prepared to suffer and die of starvation together with the people as I see no future in being alive while others are dead."

Shen Pei was not convinced. "I still cannot permit you to carry out your plan. The grain stores are our only food supply for the soldiers and the Yuan family."

"Would the soldiers be able to eat when their own family members are starving? Would you or anyone of you?" I turned to all of them, learned men, daring them to resist my idea. "Morale of the soldiers are at an all-time low now. If they knew that we, the Yuans are taking care of their families, it would raise their morale and give them a reason to fight!"

Everyone in the room nodded their heads and began talking among themselves.

"General Shen, I know you will find a way to get more supplies into the city but for the time being, we need to help them," I urged.

"All right, Lady Zhen," Shen Pei decided. "Take this seal and show it to the soldiers at the palace gates. You have the authority to release the grain."

"Thank you, General Shen."

As the gates opened, the common folk began filling the grounds as I galvanized a group of servants to help me distribute food and rations and putting the people in temporary tents while the sick were given medical attention. Even then, our resources were severely stretched as I worked day and night without sleep. Some were driven mad with fear and desperation that they threw themselves off the city walls to their deaths. They would rather die than suffer more loss.

I wondered how long we could last like this…

A few nights later, we were betrayed – someone had opened the east gate and let the enemy in. Cao Cao's men had breached the city walls and were spilling into the streets. General Shen Pei had ordered that all women, children and the elderly stay indoors and not to venture into the streets. It was a bloodbath – people were getting slaughtered everywhere. Fire arrows rained on us, setting buildings and structures on fire.

Shen Pei personally joined the defense at the gates but they were pushed into the city proper, where fighting continued in the streets. The roar of the war drums and shouts of the enemy frightened me. My nightmare had come true - the streets were bathed in blood. I summoned my last ounce of courage and tried to get as many women and children to safety. In here, I had hoped that being the official residence of the former Lord Yuan Shao, the enemy would not harm us. The soldiers closed the palace gates and bolted them with huge wood blocks. All the servants were running around, trying to put out fires and fighting to stay alive.

I used Yuan Shang's secret passageway to move as many people out of the city as I could.

"Run! Leave the city now!" I urged them.

Suddenly, a fiery projectile flew towards us and demolished the passageway, its blast sent all of us hurtling to the ground on impact. Dazed and confused, I got up and saw many dead or burned alive. I was unhurt but we were trapped.

* * *

It was during the siege of Ye City that I was unprepared for what was to come. I had gathered the women and children in a large room behind the palace and went in search of my mother-in-law, Lady Liu.

"Please keep as quiet as possible and don't confront the enemy," I pleaded with them as they huddled together in fear. It was futile to hope that any sort of rescue would come. My only hope was that the enemy would show mercy and spare our lives. I heard a loud crash and the screams together with the rumbling of soldiers – they had entered the palace but I pressed on, determined to find Lady Liu.

I found her alone in her chambers, sobbing hysterically. Her ladies in waiting had all fled.

"My lady mother, you must come with me at once. We must leave here!" I said with an urgent voice but she refused.

"I will die in this house… I will never leave! My son will come to rescue me."

"He is not coming… Yuan Shang has lost!"

"No! You are lying!"

The thunderous roar along the corridor grew louder and louder as the enemy was headed our way, kicking down doors and swords cutting down anyone who crossed their path. Panic stricken, I rushed to shut the room doors and stayed with the sobbing Lady Liu. It was too late to run elsewhere and hide. My worst fear has returned - memories of my childhood came flooding back to the time I had to hide in the forest shed with Zi Ma.

The doors burst open as a fierce-looking warrior kicked it apart. I could not see his face behind the menacing helmet and armor. He had a bloodied sword in his hand as he approached us—oh gods, he had come to kill us!

Lady Liu fell on her knees, begging for her life. "Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!"

Fearing what the warrior was about to do, I flew to Lady Liu and hugged her shoulders. I looked up at the enemy and found my voice as I said clearly, "There is no honor in killing us. We are only defenseless women!"

Suddenly, he stopped in his stride and lowered his sword. I did not expect that he would care about what I said.

"Who are you?" he asked. The formidable warrior had a young voice, no doubt in his late teens or early twenties.

Lady Liu looked up and said in a shaky voice, "I am the widow of the late Yuan Shao. My name is Lady Liu and this is the wife of Yuan Xi, his second son."

The warrior turned to me. "What is your name?"

Lady Liu gestured at me to answer the question. "My name is Zhen Fu," I replied slowly.

He took a step closer and commanded, "Stand up, Lady Zhen."

My knees were trembling as I stood in front of the young warrior. He was tall and had a broad chest- my head barely reached his shoulders. With his gloved hand, he reached out and drew me closer. I let out a small gasp. My instincts told me to run far away from here and I wanted to scream.

 _Get away from me, you filthy beast!_

Then, he took off his helmet and I found myself staring at a handsome young man with a smooth beardless face and a haughty nose. I was taken aback and did not expect him to be so good-looking, for a brute! His large almond-shaped eyes were gazing at me thoughtfully. He removed his glove and started to wipe the dust and soot off my face with his white inner sleeve.

 _What is he doing?_

After removing some of the dirt, he gasped and stared at me as if I was a woman of exquisite loveliness. Flustered, I turned away, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I was rather unnerved by the intimate encounter, my heart beating rapidly as I reminded myself that he was still the enemy.

"Please do not be afraid," he said gently. "I am Lord Cao's son, Cao Pi. I will guarantee your safety, so there is nothing to fear."

I was quite speechless until Lady Liu said, "Thank you, Young Master Cao Pi."

Cao Pi then ordered his men to bring us water and firewood so we could cook and build a fire to keep ourselves warm in the winter whilst he and his men camped at the main hall. We were given some measure of freedom within the confines of the palace to move about and attend to our needs. I had a brief look at myself in the bronze mirror and found myself wondering what it was that Cao Pi saw in me. My hair was disheveled and my face was covered with dust and tear stains. My clothes were stained with blood spatter.

 _Oh my, I do look like a mess…_

Using a damp towel, I washed my face, tied my untidy hair with a simple ribbon and swept the stray strands of hair behind my ears. I still have much work to do to ensure that those under my care were fed and comfortable. As the evening drew near, the cold winds of winter began to blow, chilling me to the bone. I was exhausted but the sight of the women and children huddled in a room by the roaring fire, safe and unharmed warmed me up a little. I realized that I had hardly eaten anything the whole day. My own room was too far away to walk in this weather. Seeing an empty bench near the door, I sat down wearily. Perhaps, I could just get a little sleep on this bench for a little while. Quickly, I fell into a deep slumber.

"Zhen Fu! Zhen Fu!"

 _Huh?_

I heard Zi Yan calling my name franticaly but I could not lift my head. My knees were drawn up, my cold hands tucked into my chest and my feet were freezing cold. Furs and rugs were thrown on my body to keep me warm. I barely managed to utter Zi Yan's name.

"What's this?" It was Cao Pi's voice. He must be making one of his rounds when he saw us.

"It's Lady Zhen… She is cold and blue!" Zi Yan cried.

He reached into the rugs and pulled out one icy hand. My fingers were numb with cold. He took them to his mouth and kissed them and blew his warm breath against them. I blinked. "What are you doing?" I asked, shivering badly.

"Let me take you inside and warm you up."

"No... That won't be..."

I struggled with my rugs but I was so cramped and chilled that I stumbled when I tried to stand, falling into Cao Pi's arms. Immediately, he swept me into his arms and carried me into his room.

Gently, he put me down before a roaring fire. He waved away the servants and poured me some wine to drink. He sat next to me and watched me silently as color slowly returned to my pale cheeks.

"Here," he pushed some warm bread to me. "Have something to eat. You need the energy."

I took the bread with my cold stiff fingers and said, "Thank you, Master Cao Pi."

"Please call me, _Zi Huan_ ," he said with a smile.

I merely nodded and lowered my gaze back to the flickering flames, nibbling the bread.

"I saw you earlier with the women and children, feeding and caring for them as if they were your own family. Why do you bother? They can fend for themselves in the streets."

I looked at his handsome, aristocratic face and wondered if he had suffered a day in his whole life.

"You were not here when Ye City was starving and people were dying everywhere. They have lost their fathers, brothers and sons to the war. I just took pity on them," I replied, trying not to be overly sentimental. "I hope that you will be gracious enough to allow them to return to their homes and bury the dead."

"When my father arrives tomorrow, I will ask him to release the women and children."

"You are very kind, sir… Do you know what will happen to Lady Liu and the rest of the Yuan family?"

 _Including myself…_

Cao Pi did not answer me immediately as he stared at the flames and said, "I do not know…"

I sensed a certain sadness in him but did not venture to find out what he was thinking. If Cao Cao were to exact retribution on the Yuan family, we would all be killed. Was he sad because he knew that this was going to happen? There was a long period of silence as I gradually lost my appetite.

"Do you have any children, Lady Zhen? Are they with the group?" he asked suddenly.

I shook my head. "No. I regret that I am not blessed with children of my own."

Cao Pi who was watching me intently, seemed to let out a small sigh of relief. _What a peculiar young man_ , I thought and out of courtesy, I asked back, "And you? Do you have any children?"

He let out a chuckle. "I am not married! Not yet… I haven't found my bride. Why do you ask?"

 _Oops!_ My mouth gaped in surprise. Cao Pi seemed amused that I was caught unawares by his counter question.

Burrowing deeper into the furs, I mumbled, "I was just making polite conversation. I'm surprised, that's all… You come from a powerful and wealthy family… I'm sure many pretty girls would be waiting to marry you…"

"There were a few offers," he said, rather proudly. "But I'm not looking for any ordinary woman…The woman I'm looking for is very beautiful, a high-born lady with a loving and compassionate heart, gentle yet brave enough to stare down even the fiercest of warriors…"

Cao Pi was looking at me in a strange way, as if… as if…

 _No, it cannot be_ , I thought anxiously.

Then he smiled and leaned back against the wall with his arms behind his head. "…I'll let you know when I finally meet her."

Unconsciously, I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding. "Oh, you needn't bother, really…It's not like we know each other that well…"

Cao Pi leaned forward, grinning and turning on his boyish charm as he said, "Well, we could get to know each other… There's a lot that I don't know about you…"

I felt uneasy by the way things were going between us - he was still the enemy! Earlier today, he had tried to kill us! And now, we were sitting together and talking…

"I think I should go back to my room," I said as I tried to pick myself up. "I'm depriving you of sleep by being here…"

"I don't mind," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "I hope that you would stay a little longer. I was just beginning to enjoy our conversations."

"I'm very flattered, Master Cao Pi… You seem like a nice person. But it has been a long day and I'm really tired," I said, with a weak smile.

"You could sleep on the bed here…"

I gasped in horror. _Did he just ask me to sleep with him?_

"That would be inappropriate! No, I can't… won't…"

Cao Pi quickly explained himself. "Please, Lady Zhen! You misunderstood me. I meant to say was that you could sleep here… alone…This is not really my room. Besides, there is already a warm fire and I prefer to stay with my men."

I felt a flush of mortification, thinking that he was that type of person! He was just being a gentleman by offering me his accommodations. I remembered how he had shown genuine concern for my well-being earlier. If he was a brute, he would have forced himself on me already.

"Thank you… _Zi Huan_ ," I said meekly. His name seemed strange, rolling off my tongue. Cao Pi beamed happily when he heard his name.

"So, I shall see you in the morning then. Good night, Lady Zhen!"

After he had gone, I climbed unto the bed and prepared to sleep but I kept thinking about him, the striking young warrior – was he a friend or foe, I could not tell. I told myself to never let my guard down when I was with Cao Pi or his father, Cao Cao.

* * *

The next morning, I rose early and walked back to my room before sunrise. I found Zi Yan sleeping beside my bed when I came in.

"Zi Yan," I called, gently shaking her.

She woke up with a start and cried out, "Zhen Fu! Are you all right? Did he hurt you?"

I shook my head and smiled. Zi Yan heaved a sigh of relief. "I was so worried about you. When Master Cao Pi took you away and the soldiers prevented me from following you, I was scared that something bad would happen to you…"

"You needn't worry, Zi Yan. I am fine," I assured her.

A loud blast of trumpets heralded the arrival of Cao Cao, the conqueror of Ye City. My heart sank at the thought of being executed, all for the crime of being associated with the Yuans. There was little that we could do as the soldiers came and took us to a holding room. Lady Liu and the rest of the Yuan family were already there, some whimpering and sobbing.

"My lady mother," I greeted Lady Liu with a bow.

"I am surprised that you are here. I thought that boy, Cao Pi would have spirited you away to his cave," she snorted derisively. "I do not care if he has done anything to you... Always remember that you are a Yuan and should conduct yourself like one!"

"I have never forgotten, my lady mother," I replied evenly. I almost blurted out how I cursed the day I married into this family but I held my tongue. It did not matter what I said because we shared the same fate at Cao Cao's hands.

While in confined quarters, we were visited by one of Cao Cao's advisors, Hua Xin. At first glance, I became suspicious of him; his shifty eyes and arrogant confrontational behavior irked me. By Lord Cao Cao's orders, only Lady Liu and I were required to be present at the main hall. I did not like the way he looked at me and demanded that I cleaned up.

"Put on your best dress, Lady Zhen. My lord does not like to surround himself with dirty ratty subjects," he said with mild disgust.

Lady Liu quickly capitulated and ordered me to change my clothing. Zi Yan brought me a green silk robe embroidered with tiny bead flowers, brushed my disheveled hair and tied it up neatly with jade pins and ribbons. "Don't fuss," I told Zi Yan to keep my appearance simple. "We are going to see the enemy and not the emperor."

When I returned, Hua Xin looked me over and snorted derisively, "Is that the best you can do?"

"I will not justify my actions to you," I told him off.

"You are a feisty one!" he smiled, unperturbed by my retort. "My lord has been most anxious to meet you."

 _What did he mean by that?_

"Lady Liu, Lady Zhen, please come with me."

An uneasy feeling gripped me as Hua Xin escorted us to the great hall. Along the corridors, I noticed that the floors and walls have been cleaned and scrubbed, the drapes were changed and the courtyard was filled with blooming flowers. Broken parts of the building were fixed. It looked almost _normal…_ like a war did not happen at all!

It was rather peculiar and most disconcerting.

Hua Xin announced our arrival in the main hall. From inside, I could hear a man's voice commanded irritably, "Proceed..."

Lady Liu went in first and stood at the bottom of the steps leading to the dais where a man was seated. As I followed a few paces behind her, I noticed the hall was filled with people on both sides, some of them were familiar faces in Yuan Shao's court. Among them was Chen Lin and Zhang He! Were they not captured like we were? Why were they allowed to go free? Many of them saw Lady Liu and hung their faces in shame.

Then, my eyes fell on the young and handsome warrior who had entered Lady Liu's chambers yesterday. Cao Pi was no longer wearing his fearsome armor - he was dressed like a court gentleman in maroon and gold. Cao Pi was watching me intently, his deep brown eyes betrayed concern and something else.

 _This was not the time to analyze such things_ , I told myself as I turned my gaze towards Cao Cao.

I had expected to see a formidable general in his war regalia but seated high on the top of the steps in front of us was a man in his forties, wearing an expensive-looking dark blue robe with gold motives of an imperial official. His stern but penetrating gaze was fixed on me.

Lady Liu looked straight at Cao Cao and bowed slightly. "Lord Cao."

Cao Cao turned to Lady Liu and greeted her in a polite tone, "It has been a long time since we last met, Lady Liu… I trust that my people have treated you well…"

"As well as any prisoner should be treated," she replied coldly.

He ignored her last statement and turned his attention to me. "And who is this lovely young lady here with you?"

Having no other choice, Lady Liu introduced me. "May I present to you, my daughter-in-law, Zhen Fu. She is Yuan Xi's wife."

I bowed. "Lord Cao."

Cao Cao leaned forward. "And why is she here? Isn't she supposed to be with her husband in Yu Province?"

"That is because her family had objected to her being so far away," Lady Liu replied.

 _That is a lie! Why did she lie about me? My family did no such thing…_

I frowned at her.

Suddenly, Cao Cao stood up, came down from his high seat and walked over to me. I stood rooted to the spot, resisting my instinct to flinch away as my heart pounded loudly.

"Finally, I have seen the famous beauty from the north of the Yellow River…hmm, beautiful… and charming indeed," he muttered as he walked around me, like a lion sizing up his prized prey. I felt a cold chill run down my spine.

"Lord Cao, if I may, I wish to thank Young Master Cao Pi for saving us," Lady Liu explained. "If it weren't for him, we would have lost our lives…I was about to offer my daughter-in-law as a handmaid to your son."

 _What?!_

This wicked woman has no honor at all, I thought furiously.

Cao Cao seemed unhappy about it as he glared at his son. "I gave my son strict instructions not to enter the Yuan residence and yet, he disobeyed me!"

"Such is the impatience of the young," Lady Liu added with a sinister smile.

I looked sharply at Lady Liu. _What was she insinuating here?_

"Yes, he has much to learn," Cao Cao said, as he returned to his high chair. "I will make sure that he is punished accordingly."

Cao Pi's face turned pale and said nothing. My heart was moved with pity for him – after all, he did save our lives.

"By the way, how do you like my new residence, Lady Liu?" Cao Cao gestured with his arms wide open and laughed.

Lady Liu was angry. "I see you have taken over my residence and made some improvements," she said scathingly.

"Lady Liu, you are correct. I have decided that since your residence is largely intact and unscathed by the war, I would make this place my chief residence," he said, rather proudly.

"How dare you! How dare you insult my husband's memory!" Lady Liu gasped.

"Would you rather I put all your family members in here and raze it to the ground like how Yuan Shao forced Gongsun Zan to do?" he quipped.

Lady Liu was filled with umbrage. "Gongsun Zan was a traitor to the country... He deserved to die!"

"And so was your husband, Madam," Cao Cao joined smoothly. "Have you forgotten that he too, refused to accept the Emperor's orders..."

"Enough with the small talk! What do you want from us, Cao Cao?" Lady Liu snapped.

"I wish to pay my respects at Yuan Shao's tomb, with your permission of course. Even though, we were enemies in the end, he was my good friend and sparring partner for many years… And in return, I shall pay you and your family a sizeable pension so that you can live out your lives comfortably in Ye City or anywhere you wish," he decreed. "You will no longer be confined to your quarters but treated as my esteemed guests."

Surprised by the sudden generosity, Lady Liu reluctantly gave her assent and told him the location of her husband's tomb. When all matters were settled, Lady Liu said she would leave Ye City with her handmaids and her family, never to return, Cao Cao said, "Hua Xin will arrange your needs. I will send my soldiers to escort you to your new home."

I, however, could not help but feel that there was something more, something that Cao Cao was not saying. He wouldn't just let us go like that.

"Lord Cao, I am surprised that you would let us go," Lady Liu said. "You would only do this for an old friend. Yuan Shao would have done the same in your shoes…"

As we took our leave, Cao Cao suddenly said, "I should like the company of Lady Zhen sometime."

Lady Liu raised an eyebrow in mild amusement. "You will find Lady Zhen's company most delightful, Lord Cao… We are but your 'guests'. How can I refuse? Lady Zhen will remain in Ye City."

 _What?! That woman had just relinquished me to Cao Cao!_

"My lady mother!" I called after her.

"Do as you are told!" she spat.

 _Please don't leave me!_

Lady Liu did not even look back at me as she swept out of the hall, abandoning me all by myself. I could feel Cao Cao's eyes on me as I stood shocked and feeling extremely vulnerable.

"Lady Zhen, I am told that you play the flute and dance very well."

He was looking at me, expecting a response. I turned to him and nodded warily.

"Excellent! Then, you will perform at my victory banquet tomorrow night…"

"As you wish, my lord," I whispered.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : _I changed the story slightly for the part of Cao Cao giving Lady Zhen to Cao Pi as his wife, a small deviation from ROTK but only delayed as I feel there is a story to be told here. It will be addressed in the next chapter._

 _As always, I welcome constructive criticisms/suggestions for my writing. If you don't have anything to say other than profanities, please don't waste your time here. i hold on to higher ideals that we are all here to share and help each other to improve our writing skills. Haters will always be haters, 'nuff said.  
_


	4. Chapter 4

**Between Heaven and Hell**

My encounter with Cao Cao had opened my eyes to the truth that I had tried to deny in my heart for a long time – that I was only a pawn for their selfish means. I hid my emotions well as I was led to my new accommodations located at the east wing of the palace— it once belonged to one of the late Yuan Shao's concubines. The décor was bright and pleasing to the eyes but I took no notice. I was now a prisoner of Cao Cao's lust, which was much worse than a death sentence.

"Am I to be kept prisoner here?" I demanded coldly.

"His lordship does not wish to keep you confined to your chambers. You may move about as you please within the palace grounds," said Hua Xin. "However, his lordship does not allow you to venture outside the palace… for your own safety, of course."

"Very well, you may go," I said, turning away.

"I shall arrange for your belongings to be moved here," Hua Xin informed but I stopped him. I did not want strangers to touch or taint my belongings.

"Zi Yan will pack my things and bring them here."

"As you wish, Lady Zhen."

Hua Xin bowed and left the room.

Once alone in my room, the emotional dam within me burst as I let out a raw scream of pain and wept angry, hot tears. It hurt so bad that I thought I would die. I stared, glassy-eyed into the empty space of a beautifully decorated bedroom as I wondered whether there was a future for me. Apart from Zi Yan, no else cared for me or treated me like a person. An entire night had passed as I sat motionless and so still that Zi Yan feared that I had become a statue, unhinged by sorrow. It was easy to give in to despair if not for her tears and pleas. "Zhen Fu, please do something, anything to let me know that you are all right! You can bite me, hit me or scream at me…Please say something!"

Finally, I reached out to my only friend and wiped away her tears. "Zi Yan…"

And we hugged each other.

"I know that you have suffered so much, that life seems unfair. Zhen Fu, remember that I am with you always. Promise me you will never leave me alone," said Zi Yan ruefully.

 _How could I say no to my dear, dear friend?_

I felt sorry that she had to suffer as I did. "Oh, Zi Yan! What am I to do?" I lamented.

"I am only a simple-minded and uneducated girl. I don't know how to help you," she replied. "But I will do anything for you… even give my own life."

Her earnestness gradually thawed my frozen heart and filled it with renewed determination and vigor. I would fight my way using whatever means I had and set my own future.

"Zi Yan, do not worry. I will think of a way," I said, hardening my resolve. "But first, you need to help me get dressed for my dance performance…"

* * *

I have to go out. I dared not think of the consequences of disobeying, as Cao Cao had demonstrated, powerfully enough, that even his own son was not spared. The Yuans no longer have any need of me as Lady Liu so clearly put it - my marriage to Yuan Xi was a sham, all my years wasted trying to gain their favor. Bitter disappointment filled my heart as I sat still with my hands tightly folded on my lap, my mouth tight over my gritted teeth, holding back a storm of emotions.

 _Am I to be passed on from one to another, like a trophy or a possession? First, it was San Ge, then Yuan Xi, Lady Liu…and now Cao Cao?_

As I stared at myself in the bronze mirror, I saw not a child but a blossoming young woman in her height of sensuality and allure. Lady Liu had used it to gain favor with Cao Cao, who had taken an interest in me. _What is the use of beauty if I have no control over my life and future? So what happens now?_

Left on my own, I have to either sink or swim with the tide. Suicide was ever present in my thoughts, an easy path out of my misery but I was not contented with my lot in life. This cannot be it - there has to be something more than this life. If I did not choose me, then no one will. I would be used and trampled, like grass underfoot. I cannot allow this to happen, I won't! It was then that I decided that when spring has turned to winter and sunshine turned to rain, I would use the rain for growing and create my world anew, my destiny, my rules. I would never allow other people to decide my fate again.

Evening soon enfolded us with a calm orange hue as I prepared for my dance performance that night. Dressed in a body-fitting silver colored dress with long white silk sleeves and my flute securely tucked in my white belt, I made my way to the grand courtyard. Red hued lanterns gently blowing in the breeze lit the way as evening drew to a close.

In the middle of the courtyard were colorful tents as Cao Cao hosted a grand banquet filled with food and wine. He enjoyed watching his generals take center stage with their swords and spears. Surrounded by scholars, officials, and handmaids, they danced for him in a combination of poetry reading, martial arts techniques and rhythms played by court musicians. As Cao Cao's servant announced my arrival, he immediately ceased all activities and allowed me to take the stage. There was silence as I cast a deep curtsy to the warlord.

"Lord Cao."

No one will ever know what it cost me to smile, what it cost me to stand before Cao Cao and not tremble.

"Lady Zhen has arrived to show us a dance," he announced to the others with a grin.

I bowed and said, "If my lord wishes it."

Standing composed, I then raised my hands and clapped, to order the musicians to play.

The dance was a light and cheerful performance signifying springtime, as I flit across the stage, moved my hips and my eyes heavy-lidded, a little smile on my face. I danced like a woman who let the music move me. I cast my long elegant sleeves, tossing, swinging and rolling them to imitate the ripples of water and air, like a fairy playing in a garden cascading in color, harmony and energy. Halfway through the performance, I picked up my flute and began to play a lively tune as the highlight and ended my performance with a dramatic flourish. The crowd clapped and roared their approval.

I felt a little dizzy from the noise and acclamations. Cao Cao was delighted by my performance as his advisors praised and compared me to the famous dancer, Zhao Feiyan, though I could hardly be compared to her. Zhao Feiyan was a court dancer who became the empress of China a long time ago.

Cao Cao laughed and commented, "Indeed, I have found my own little Zhao Feiyan…"

I looked up at him and asked innocently, "Do I please you, my lord?"

"Well enough," he replied, stroking his short beard. "Would you join me for some wine?"

His servant came up to me and said, "This way, Lady Zhen."

I looked to the direction he had indicated and it was by Cao Cao's side at the main table. Suddenly, I felt uneasy at this sudden elevation of status and honor granted to me. Only a day ago, I was a prisoner of war and the enemy's wife. My mind quickly thought of a solution out of this potentially dangerous and provocative offer. If I were to accede to his request, that would mean I was ready to spend the night with him, as drinking wine and merriment usually led to the bedroom. Cao Cao knew it too well as he was looking intently at me.

I had to think of an excuse quickly. A well known ruse was to feign an illness - something that one of Yuan Shao's concubines used whenever she did not want to receive him into her bed. It was going to be hard to convince Cao Cao that I was ill but in front of all his guests, he would not want to be seen to bully a defenseless young woman. I had to try my luck.

Lowering my gaze, I offered my apologies. "Lord Cao, I have been unwell the past few days and the doctor has advised me not to drink and indulge for the time being. Please accept my apology," I said.

He did not expect that I would reject his invitation as his smile faded. Cao Cao nodded and rose to his feet. "I also have had enough of enjoyment tonight. My family will be arriving tomorrow and I intend to be there early to receive them. Good night gentlemen… Lady Zhen…"

The court billowed into deep bows as he stalked past them, out of the courtyard.

I watched him stride through his court, his head held high.

"He liked you," Zi Yan said when we were back in our chambers. "He watched you very closely, he liked you."

I did not tell Zi Yan how I almost fell into the entrapment laid by Cao Cao. It was only later that I noticed that his son, Cao Pi was not present at the banquet. He has been curiously on my mind of late. I hoped that he would be all right. As for his father, I would have to be careful around him.

 _I shall have to be clever. I shall have to be more cunning that Cao Cao, more determined than Lady Liu. I don't know if I can get away with it but I must try…_

* * *

The next morning, there was a loud tap on the door as Zi Yan quickly opened it. It was Cao Cao standing outside my room. I had barely just woken up from my sleep.

"Good morning, Lord Cao," Zi Yan quickly bowed.

"Is Lady Zhen awake?' he asked, stepping into my chambers and heading straight into my bedroom. "Last night, Lady Zhen informed me that she was unwell so I asked my servant to boil some herbal soup for her."

The servant brought in the soup while I hastily pull on my cloak over my white nightclothes and went out to meet him. It was not proper for a man to visit a woman's room unannounced but Cao Cao was no ordinary man. He came and went as he pleased.

"Lord Cao, please forgive my unpreparedness. I was not expecting this visit," I said hastily.

"Lady Zhen, are you feeling better? Should I ask my personal physician to treat your illness?" Cao Cao asked in a concerned tone.

Aware of his closeness to me, I registered the intimacy of being in the room together with him. With a shaky voice, I replied, "That will not be necessary, my lord. I am grateful for your concern. My health is getting better and thank you for the soup."

"Very well, I shall come and visit you soon," Cao Cao said abruptly and left as if he too realized that he had acted improperly by barging into my room at such early hours of the morning.

Later that day, I heard that Cao Cao's family had arrived from Hangzhou. His many wives, concubines and children would soon occupy the Ye palace. I hoped that with his family around, he would soon forget about me but the servant kept sending herbal soups to my room every day. Apparently, he had not forgotten. I was kept in a part of the residence which was separated from his family but nearer to his own chambers as Zi Yan found out. I felt my world gradually growing smaller under Cao Cao's control.

* * *

I had not seen Cao Pi for a few days and wondered where he had gone. He was not at Cao Cao's celebration dinner the other night. I was told that Cao Cao had allowed the women and children trapped in the palace to return to their homes and I wanted to thank Cao Pi for keeping his promise to me. While taking a walk in the garden courtyard, Zi Yan and I met one of Cao Pi's manservants. I asked him about his master and he informed me that Cao Pi had been given twenty lashings for disobeying his father's orders. I had not expected that Cao Cao would deal such a heavy punishment on his own son. Shocked and dismayed, I asked to visit him.

Zi Yan and I packed some herbal tonic soup and some fruits in a basket to take along on our visit to Cao Pi. When we arrived, he was in his study, dressed in a plain white robe with a crimson cloak around his shoulders. His manservant brought us into his chambers. Cao Pi immediately stood up to meet us.

"Lady Zhen!"

"Master Cao Pi, it is good to see you."

"Please come in and sit," he said, beaming cheerfully as he led us to a private garden just outside of his study. The garden had a set of wooden furniture on a platform overlooking a little fish pond.

"This is nice," I complimented him as I sat down on the wooden stool and took in the surroundings.

"This is where I usually come to think and relax," he explained.

"We heard what had happened and brought you some tonic soup and fruits. I hope you will like them," I said as I placed the basket of gifts on the table. Zi Yan took out the porcelain jar of soup and poured the contents into a bowl. Then, I asked her to wait outside for me.

Cao Pi took the soup and drank it all with gusto. "Thank you, Lady Zhen. You are most kind to think of me. My wounds are only superficial… They have mostly healed or dried up."

"I'm sorry that you had to suffer the lashings. Perhaps if I had said something to your father…"

"It would not have made a difference," he quickly interrupted. "My father is a strict and disciplined military man. I do not blame him and you should not feel sorry… It was entirely my fault and it has nothing to do with you."

I felt there was an underlying tension in Cao Pi whenever he talked about his father but I felt this was not an appropriate time to ask as the wounds on his back were still raw.

"There is another matter that I wanted to tell you. I want to thank you for helping the women and children to return to their homes," I said.

"It was nothing." He shrugged. "My father had no use of them so he let them go."

"It is not 'nothing'… to me. I just want you to know that I appreciate your efforts," I insisted with a smile.

Cao Pi smiled back. "When I first met you, I saw how unhappy you were. I wondered how a beautiful woman like you could be so sad. I thought to myself, if I could make you smile…"

His words touched my heart as color rose to my cheeks. Cao Pi's hand reached for mine and our fingers brushed together as he said, "I'm not flirting or making up nice words… I am truly honest about what I said."

I moved my hands away from his. "I know."

He said solemnly, "I heard that my father has given you new accommodations, nearer to his own, and that you performed for him at the celebration banquet two days ago."

"That is correct," I replied with a nod. I thought to tell him that it was not by choice that I was made to dance for him.

"I wish I were there to see you," he said wistfully. "I'd imagine that you would be so graceful and beautiful…"

Upon seeing me blush at his compliment, he cheered up and declared, "I hope that I will not miss your next dance performance. Nothing under heaven can prevent me from seeing you perform…even if I am a thousand _li_ away."

 _What a foolish braggart!_

We laughed together as I said, "I am deeply honored… I shall make sure to practice every day to perfect my dance routine so I won't disappoint…"

"It is most unlikely that you would disappoint me, Lady Zhen… Not a chance… May I call you, Zhen Fu?" he asked.

"Only if we are alone, Zi Huan," I replied shyly.

"Of course! Of course! I hope you will consider me as a friend from now on. I would like to see you every day, if possible," Cao Pi said enthusiastically.

But I was uncertain as to how this would work. "You can visit me whenever possible," I said, careful to phrase my words so as not to portray my own eagerness.

Cao Pi nodded in agreement and he visited me frequently over the next few days. I found myself looking forward to those visits.

* * *

The next day, Cao Pi came by and brought me a gift – a hairpin, carved from finest jade. _The color and design of the hairpin would fit nicely into my existing collection_ , I mused. It was a thoughtful gift.

"Thank you, Zi Huan," I said gratefully.

"Would you like to take walk with me outside?" he asked.

I agreed and we walked along the snow-covered trees and gardens in the palace. It was the middle of winter and snow had just fallen, making a perfect canvas for the sun to create varied hues of blue, orange and red on the snow. The servants went about doing their work while soldiers stood guard at every corner.

"I remembered that you asked about the prisoner, Shen Pei… I'm afraid I have bad news for you."

"What is it? What has happened?"

Cao Pi seemed reluctant to break the news to me.

"I am not that fragile, Zi Huan… Please tell me."

He told me that General Shen Pei and his men were executed earlier in the morning for refusing to pledge allegiance to Cao Cao. "He was a brave and honorable man," I said ruefully.

"Father would have forgiven him for his past deeds, yet he remained loyal to Yuan Shang till the end. What a pity! In the end, Father ordered a proper burial for him."

I remembered there was a shrine in the palace and wanted to go there. "I wish to pray for his soul."

Cao Pi seemed intrigued as he followed me to the shrine where I knelt down, closed my eyes and pressed my hands together. He watched with quiet fascination and suddenly, he knelt down beside me, mimicking my actions.

 _Hmm, I wonder what he is praying for…_

I observed him silently, from his neatly braided hair to his thick eyebrows and high cheeks, the arch of his nose and soft lips. Embarrassed by my daring stare, I looked away and closed my own eyes but the image of his face was imprinted in my memory. I still had a grave problem that I had to deal with – Cao Cao, and I prayed that I would find a way out of it.

When I opened my eyes, Cao Pi was watching me with a smile on his face.

"Have you prayed for what you wanted?" I asked him.

Cao Pi merely smiled. "I think so… I am not a religious person by nature but if it comes true, I will build a temple in honor of the gods!"

"Then, I will pray that your wish will come true."

At that moment, Zi Yan appeared and called to me, "Lady Zhen, we must return to the east wing immediately. Lord Cao has requested for your presence…"

Turning to Cao Pi, I said grimly, "I have to go now. I shouldn't keep your father waiting."

Cao Pi's elation dissipated at the mention of his father. He heaved a heavy sigh as he said, "Please take care of yourself, Zhen Fu. My father… I…he….Never mind, I will see you again tomorrow."

I gazed into his eyes and saw the concern for me as I touched his arm. "I know, Zi Huan."

As we parted ways, I could feel his yearning for me.

* * *

After one week, Cao Cao requested for my presence in his study. I told myself that I could not avoid him forever and so I agreed to meet him. He was in a discussion with his advisors when I arrived. At once, he dismissed them and called me in.

"Lord Cao, I did not know you were busy. Perhaps, I should come back another time," I said.

"No, that is all right, Lady Zhen. I trust that you are feeling much better," he said graciously.

"Yes, much better."

Cao Cao then stood up from his desk. "I was going to show you my new library. Come, my dear."

He then led me to a room filled with beautiful shelves, showing me not only classical authors and the histories of ancient China that were his own interest but also, his collection of poems – some of them written by himself. It was impressive. I tried to temper my excitement by putting on a neutral face but he could tell that I was mesmerized by it all.

"You are welcome to borrow the books and scrolls. You can read them at any time," he told me.

"You are most kind, Lord Cao. How did you know I would be interested in books?" I asked, rather naively.

"Your old friend, Chen Lin told me," he replied smoothly.

Of course, he had to know everything about me.

"Did your father have a library like this?" he asked, as he walked with me, allowing me to explore freely the manuscripts and scrolls on the mantelpieces.

"Yes, we had a library, but not as big and complete as this one," I said tactfully.

He seemed pleased with my answer. Then, I came across a huge map on the table in the middle of the room.

"What is this?" I thought out loud.

Cao Cao said proudly, "This is my map of Ye City…" and he pointed out to me new structures that would be built. "I have initiated several works in and around the city, including my favorites Bronze Bird Terrace and the Xuanwu Pond, where I will train my navy."

It was a really ambitious project but for a man of his caliber, he would no doubt see it through to the end.

"I have prepared tea in the courtyard. Let us go there," he said.

We sat down in the garden pavilion and I noticed that he had arranged for us to have tea and my favorite cakes. It was quite overwhelming that he would go to such lengths to make me feel comfortable. I felt suspicious about his intentions - it was a known fact that the vanquisher would help himself with the spoils of war and would not bother to try and impress me.

As we were making small talk, he asked about my home in Zhongshan and I felt obliged to tell him as little as possible, preferring to stick to frivolous topics.

Then, a servant approached with a small trinket box.

"Ah, here it is," he told me. "I have a gift for you."

I looked up at him quizzically. "Have you?"

Cao Cao opened the box and pushed it over to me - therein was a pile of jewels, diamonds, rubies, pearls, chains, lockets, brooches and earrings.

"This is for your efforts the other night. Your performance was well received by my guests," he said.

Color rose to my cheeks. "It was my pleasure to serve you, my lord. There is no need for such generosity."

"I always reward the people who serve me well. Take it," he insisted. "You can have anything you like…All you need to do is ask."

It would be rude for me to reject him again so I thanked him kindly. I did feel special to him, a man whose word was law in this court and in this land. In this court, which revolved around his approval, it made me feel like a princess indeed when he praised me or spent his time with me.

"I enjoyed our afternoon together, Lady Zhen. We should do this more often," he suggested.

"As you wish, Lord Cao."

Later, I showed Zi Yan the gift that Cao Cao gave me earlier and she was shocked by his benevolence.

"I was right about him," she mused, staring at the jewels before her.

"About who?"

"Cao Cao... He likes you," she concluded, closing the trinket box.

I put the box away in my dressing table drawer and noticed the jade hairpin on the table. I picked it up and recalled how earlier, Cao Pi has given it to me - it was just a simple hairpin, nothing compared to what his father had lavished on me. Still, I felt an affinity towards it.

 _Perhaps, I shall wear it one day..._

* * *

After Cao Cao's family had arrived at Ye City, Lady Bian, his wife soon got hold of information that I was staying in the palace. It was Cao Pi who told me that his mother wanted to see me.

"I want you to meet someone," Cao Pi said, choosing his words with care as he did not want to alarm me.

"Who is it?" I asked. There was no one else in the palace that I knew, other than Zi Yan, Cao Cao and his son, Cao Pi. The Yuan family had already left Ye City and my own family would never come to visit me. They never had ever since I married Yuan Xi.

"She is my mother, the Lady Bian. She has come here at last and is eager to meet you."

At once, I blanched white as the linen of my embroidery. _Why does she want to see me? Is it because that her husband has taken an interest in me? My mother-in-law hated me and made my life a living hell. Would this Lady Bian do the same?_

"I am always glad to meet your mother," I said, hoping that my voice did not quaver at all. "Your father has kept me confined in this part of the palace for a reason. He was very clear that I must not venture out without his permission…"

Cao Pi grimaced at the mention of his father. "My mother will speak with him," was all he offered.

"Would she not hate me?" I plunged in anyway.

"My mother is very kind. She doesn't hate you," he said truthfully. "Believe me, Zhen Fu, I would not expose you to anyone's unkindness. My mother knows these things happen…"

 _Oh, dear! It was exactly why she wanted to see me. She wanted to know the woman that had caught her husband's wandering eye._

Slowly, I made my way to Lady Bian's residence on the other side of the palace, following Cao Pi with small, careful steps. My thoughts were in a jumbled mess – Lady Liu's cruelty weighed heavily on my mind. A guard announced our arrival. I noticed that Lady Bian's residence was pleasantly decorated with simple furniture pieces and pastel hued drapes and wall hangings, a surprising change from the gaudy colors of Lady Liu's former chambers.

"Lady Bian," I greeted her with a low bow.

"I am pleased to meet you, Lady Zhen," said Lady Bian sweetly. "I hope my husband has provided you with all that you need…"

"Your husband has been very kind," I managed to say.

"I hope so. My husband has said very little about you when I arrived. Perhaps, he was too busy with the running of Ye's administration so I decided to find out for myself…"

Bowing my head, I felt a need to apologize. "I am very sorry…"

Lady Bian quickly said, "Hush, child. In this world, we women often find that we have no power over what men do. I am sure you would have wished to be far away from here – but it is the way of the world that harsh measures are sometimes taken. I think a woman has to learn to live with whatever circumstances we are dealt with."

I looked up and met the steady eyes of Lady Bian and saw her smile.

"I hope my husband treats you well."

"Yes, he does," I replied, as I looked at Cao Pi who shifted his foot uneasily. Lady Bian noticed it but said nothing. Taking my hand, she patted it gently.

"You and I will be good friends, Lady Zhen. If you have need of anything, all you need to do is to let me know," she said.

While we were having tea, suddenly hurried steps rushed into Lady Bian's chambers. "Mother!"

A young boy came in, his handsome face flushed from running too fast. Lady Bian quickly stood up and hugged him. "Zi Jian, you should not be running like that… It's impolite."

Cao Zhi then realized that his mother had guests and dutifully, he turned to greet his brother. He was about to greet me when he hesitated.

"Young Master, Cao Zhi," I said with a slight bow.

"You must be Lady Zhen!" he exclaimed and I smiled back.

"That is correct."

He was staring strangely at me, as if recalling something familiar. "I have a seen you in a dream… You were a fairy goddess and very pretty too!"

"It is kind of you to compliment me. I assure you I am just a mortal, not a fairy…"

Then, his elder sister Lady Qing also arrived.

Lady Bian was happy to see her children. "Since all of you are here, a round of introductions is necessary. Please meet Lady Zhen. She is our guest and soon to be family."

For once, I felt oddly welcomed in this family, a far cry from my earlier years with the Yuans. My initial doubts and worries seemed insignificant now.

It was clear that Cao Zhi loved the attention that his mother and sister lavished on him as he talked excitedly about the places that he had visited and how he loved this new city. I noticed that Cao Pi was staring out the window, his thoughts occupied as he ignored his brother's ramblings. Occasionally, he would give his opinion about certain things but otherwise, Cao Zhi stole the spotlight.

"Mother, you should come and see the archers at the camp," he said. "We should all go!"

Lady Bian subsequently decided that we should all visit the training grounds outside the palace. Cao Pi had gone ahead to arrange for a carriage to take us there. Cao Zhi insisted that he rode his favorite horse and escort our carriage. "I am an adult now. Carriages are for ladies and children," he told us. "I'll wait for you at every crossroad!"

As the carriage rolled towards the training grounds, Cao Zhi rode on in front with full confidence.

"He is a very bright boy, very eager. You must forgive his enthusiasm. He has been much indulged," their sister, Lady Qing said.

"His mother's favorite?" I asked.

Lady Bian merely smiled.

Lady Qing replied, "He is the absolute apple of his father's eye."

We stood on a platform, quite a distance from the archers and admired their skill. Cao Cao's army was organized and disciplined. It was an awesome sight as the soldiers ran their drills. Zi Jian watched the archers, face flushed with excitement, his eyes bright as they nocked their arrows and released them into the air.

"There has never been a boy more handsome and full of fun than Cao Zhi," Lady Bian said indulgently. I nodded in agreement.

My first thought when met Cao Zhi was that he was utterly unlike his older brother, Cao Pi. While Cao Pi was slight and serious-looking, this sunny little boy appeared as if he had never had a serious thought in his head. He had the look of a boy for whom life came easily; his face round and still baby-plump, his brown eyes shone as if he were accustomed to seeing a very pleasing world.

 _Indeed, he is a fortunate son…_

I was invited to dine with the family at the palace whenever there were festivities and sometimes, to have afternoon tea with Lady Bian. And every time, Cao Zhi would take the opportunity to talk to me. I did not mind these discussions as I found them a refreshing change to the more somber subjects of reality. Cao Cao and Cao Pi, both whom experience has honed them into the men they were, liked to talk about more serious matters – the political, social and economic state of the country. Cao Zhi's conversation topics were fun, often nonsensical and outrageous that I could not help laughing at some of them.

* * *

"What are you reading?" Cao Pi asked me one day.

"One of your father's from his library," I replied. "I never thought a military man like your father could have so many books in his collection."

"I recognize that scroll," Cao Pi commented. "It is the Ode to the Two Capitals by Ban Gu."

I smiled back. "Oh, you have read it too?"

"Yes, many years ago."

"I like how the poet described the palaces of Chang'an and Luoyang… and the activities of the court during rituals, banquets, dances and imperial hunts," I added dreamily. "It makes me wish I could visit those places and see them with my own eyes!"

Cao Pi nodded and said, "The ode does praise the glory of the Han dynasty and its courtiers and ministers but did you know that Ban Gu also criticized the court's extravagance in between the verses? It was done in a delicate manner and requires a re-reading into its meaning."

"Oh, I did not know that," I exclaimed, my eyes shining with delight. "What a clever man!"

Cao Pi thought I was referring to him as he proudly added, "I much prefer Zhang Heng's response to Ban Gu's ode. Zhang's _fu_ is highly satirical and cleverly mocks many aspects of the Western Han period, including Emperor Wu himself. Zhang is not only a poet but a scientist and astrologer. He and I also share similar tastes for attractive and exemplary woman. I remember his poem goes like this:-

 _Ah, the chaste beauty of this alluring woman!_ _  
_ _She shines with flowery charms and blooming face._ _  
_ _She is unique among all her contemporaries._ _  
_ _She is without a peer among her comrades_." *

He was smiling at me again and I felt a rush of warmth to my cheeks.

"Tell me, Zi Huan, have you been to Luoyang? Is it as beautiful as the poets say it is?" I asked.

"Yes, I have been to Luoyang. I followed my father there for official palace matters before. It does not hold any significance to me. Luoyang is no longer the capital of Eastern Han. The emperor now lives in Xuchang," Cao Pi said.

I was awed. "And you have seen the emperor? The Son of Heaven himself?"

Cao Pi looked at me with a frown on his face. "Why do you ask?"

"Because no one can simply just meet him like I see you… I mean… He is the emperor!" I gushed.

"If he were the Son of Heaven, he would not need my father's protection," Cao Pi snorted. "Emperor Xian still has his throne because of my father!"

I was shocked by Cao Pi's revelation. So the rumors were true - the Han emperors who had ruled China for over four hundred years! How did they end up like this? My own ancestors had served under them and even revered them. If what Cao Pi said was the truth, then the empire would have crumbled a long time ago. Cao Cao could have become the emperor but he did not. Was it out of loyalty or fear of reprisals? Cao Pi informed me that it was his father who ruled by proxy, issuing edicts in his favor and controlling what the emperor did. Could he really do that? I came to a realization that we are on the threshold of another era – the era of warlords.

Suddenly, Cao Pi realized that I had become very quiet and became concerned. "Zhen Fu, is something wrong?"

"As a child, I have always wanted to enter the palace to serve the emperor. My father believed… never mind…I feel like a part of my childhood just died," I mumbled in a daze, as memories of my father flashed before my eyes.

"Not many people know this but I am telling you the truth. My father will maintain that the emperor is still in control and will execute anyone who says otherwise…So you must keep this a secret."

Seeing Cao Pi's solemn expression, I nodded.

* * *

In the spring, one of Cao Cao's concubines gave birth to a baby boy and I was invited by Lady Bian to the child's full moon celebration. All of Cao Cao's wives and concubines were sitting together in the courtyard on a cool crisp morning, sewing baby clothing as the mother nursed her newborn. Cao Pi and Cao Zhi just got a new brother by another mother.

"Your handiwork is very beautiful, Lady Zhen," said Lady Bian as she admired my embroidery of little white doves on a blue silk robe.

"Thank you, Lady Bian."

My eyes wandered to the little baby in his mother's arms and I shivered at the thought of Cao Cao's depravity. While our conversations centered round his projects and his love for art, Cao Cao had hinted many times that he desired me – he would send me lavish gifts and my favorite cakes, inviting me for afternoon tea or play a game of _weiqi_. I had deliberately avoided any evening engagements with Cao Cao by feigning excuses and side-stepping the topic altogether, preferring to stick to safe meetings during the day. I knew that eventually I would run out of exit strategies and would have to face him one day. He had been very patient with me and he was not a patient man.

His lust for me has grown stronger each day and soon, he would want me in his bed. How could I hold on to my virtue? Already, Lady Bian had seen it as a foregone conclusion that I would eventually become his concubine. My resolve faltered.

 _No… No… I must fight it…_

I had to think of a way to make Cao Cao forget me and when I looked up from my sewing, Cao Pi came into view. He had come to visit his mother. My mind spun for a second.

 _Cao Pi? What about him?_

He was closer to my age and he may be Cao Cao's son but he was not like his father. Cao Pi was much more handsome, strong and kind. I knew that he liked me but did he like me enough to take me away from Ye City? Away from his father's clutches?

Cao Pi greeted his mother and the other ladies, including me in a formal manner. He showed no emotion when gazing at his little baby brother whilst Cao Zhi had been exuberant about the new addition to the family. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment.

I had a chance to talk to him when I asked him to escort me back to my quarters.

"I was thinking about how lucky the baby was, born in a stable and relatively peaceful time. At least, he does not have to face what I have had to face," Cao Pi said. "I had been born a child of the camp, following the army from siege to battle, seeing things that perhaps no child should see, facing adult fears every day. I had marched past the bodies of dead soldiers rotting in the spring heat because there was no time to bury them. I had ridden behind mules whipped into corpses, pulling my father's heavy weapons through the mountains…Ever since my elder brother, Cao Ang was killed in battle, my father told me that I had to learn to become a man. I was only ten years old at that time."

"Surely, your father did not put you in any sort of danger," I said reasonably.

"No child should be made to experience that kind of torture, wondering how much more he could take before he finally breaks…"

"My father had expectations of me too. Before he died, a soothsayer told him that I would be a great, noble lady so he set out to educate me on the ways of the imperial court, hoping that one day, I would enter into the emperor' service, much like the great Lady Ban Zhao. But he passed away before I was five. I'm afraid the soothsayer was wrong about me. I am not a great and noble lady," I revealed to Cao Pi.

"It all depends on whose opinion you seek," he replied. "To me, you are not only a great and noble but beautiful too… Beautiful enough to ruin a kingdom."

"Zi Huan, I am most flattered by your compliments. I shall remember your kind words," I said with a smile.

"I noticed that you are wearing the hairpin that I gave you," he remarked. "It looks very pretty on you."

I blushed again. "Really? I didn't notice it at all..."

* * *

The next day, Cao Pi wanted to take me to see the river festival - there would be many decorated boats plying the river, while races were often held during springtime. His family had a special boat built exclusively for their use as they watched the festivities. We were talking excitedly about the event when we were stopped at the gates of the palace by Hua Xin.

"Many apologies, Master Cao Pi. By your father's orders, you cannot bring Lady Zhen out of the palace."

"That is absurd! Ye City is firmly in our control. There are no rebels that will harm us," he said with irritation.

Hua Xin threw a side glance at me and said, "Ah, yes! You are correct, Master Cao Pi. Ye City is now firmly under our control. However, there are still Yuan loyalists who will not hesitate to take Lady Zhen away. She is after all, still Yuan Xi's wife."

Cao Pi grew very angry and he almost drew his sword but I intervened. "Hua Xin is right… I should not leave the palace under these circumstances. Perhaps, you should go on without me. It would be a pity if you missed the festivities."

He shook his head. "No, Lady Zhen. If you decide not to go, I will not go too…"

I wanted to protest but Cao Pi threw a hateful glance at Hua Xin and led me away. He was unusually quiet as we walked back to my quarters. I guessed that he did not like being reminded that I was married to his sworn enemy.

As we stopped in front of my door, Cao Pi looked at me. The heaviness grew and the tension stretched. "Zhen Fu, I have spent a lot of time with you but you have not spoken to me about Yuan Xi at all. Why do you keep it a secret? Will you tell me the truth about how you feel? Why did he not take you with him to Youzhou? Are you waiting for him to ransom you?"

I stared at him, wondering if I could bear my soul and share my secrets with him. At his anguished look, I sensed the uncertainty that he was feeling. "Zi Huan," I said. "I… I don't know know…I wish I could tell you now…how I feel…"

Cao Pi's shoulders drooped with dejection. "I understand," he said and was about to turn away when he changed his mind. He came back, erasing the space between us and stood towering over me as he clasped my arms with his large hands, forcing me to look at him. "No, Zhen Fu. I don't understand, I don't! Do you know how it feels to be torn inside, knowing that I will lose you? Yuan Xi… my father… they have a claim over you… I… I am just… hoping against hope…"

All I could think of was how close he was to me. His gaze bored into mine, searching for a sign and when he didn't find it, his hands fell lamely to his sides and his focus shifted to the ground.

"I'm sorry, Zhen Fu. I will not push you in this matter but surely, you are aware of my affections towards you?"

My eyes teared at his heartfelt confession. My mind and my heart battled for dominance– _can I trust this handsome young man? He had saved my life once. Cao Pi treats me with respect and kindness. My heart tells me to take the plunge – it is worth the risk but my mind is ever suspicious and wary. Would he be another Yuan Xi?_

I closed my eyes, sucked in a deep breath and decided to follow my heart. "Zi Huan…I want to show you something…"

Taking his hand, I led him to my old room at the back of the palace. It was quite dark inside but all my drawings were still hanging on the walls. The place was so isolated that the servants did not even want it for themselves. Cao Pi was mesmerized by the paintings. "You did all this?"

I nodded. "This was my home for the last four years. Zi Yan and I lived here by ourselves."

Cao Pi was confused at first as he carefully studied the paintings. "These are drawings of a place… I recognize some of these mountains and rivers… Are these drawings of your home, Zhen Fu?"

"They are drawings of my hometown in Zhongshan. They kept me company during the many lonely days and nights. You are probably wondering how I ended up here. What I am about to tell you, I have told no one - the story of my life, back to the way it was, back when I was a young girl of fifteen. I was too young when I married Yuan Xi. He already had other wives and concubines. After the wedding, he left me here and went to Yu Province. We did not even have a chance to get to know each other. He did not even recognize me when we saw each other again during Yuan Shao's funeral and by then, the power struggle had erupted among the Yuan brothers. He left again and it was the last I saw of him… It was not much of a charmed life, living on the fringes of the Yuan court. Lady Liu hated me and did not want me around. So I kept to myself and stayed away, until your father came."

Cao Pi then came forward and hugged me. "Zhen Fu, I didn't know you had suffered so much. I'm so sorry I made you bring it up."

I was surprised by his gesture of sympathy and gradually allowed myself to embrace him. His heartbeat thumped steadily in his chest. Why did it feel like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders? I didn't realize the hurt and loneliness that I carried. It felt good to confide in someone and the strange calm that came after. Cao Pi slowly released me and wiped away my tears with his inner sleeve.

"That part of my life is over now… Yuan Xi is not going to ransom me or take me away," I told him.

"I'm glad that I found you, Zhen Fu… From the shadows of this war, I have finally found what I am looking for – my wife," he declared.

My heart fluttered wildly as I gazed up at him. Cao Pi had just declared his love for me and was willing to take me as his wife.

"Zi Huan, are you sure about this? Other people will say that I belong to another man…"

Cao Pi waved it off. "That was a lifetime ago. As long as you love me and not Yuan Xi, I don't care about what other people say. I want to build my life with you."

My lips trembled as I could not find words to express my joy. I just buried my head in the crook of his shoulder and wrapped my hands around his waist. If only we could stay like this forever.

"From now on, there will be no more tears or sadness. You will be cherished and loved always," he said tenderly. "I will speak with Mother and ask her to intervene on our behalf. Father will listen to her and allow us to marry."

I sighed with contentment. Deep inside, I wished it were that easy as I suspected that Cao Cao would not be happy with this development and Lady Bian may have someone else in mind as Cao Pi's wife but I did not care. I was in love with Cao Pi.

"Let's not talk about this and think about what we are going to do today," I said, changing the subject.

Cao Pi thought of a plan while pacing the room. "We can still go to the festival…"

I was intrigued. "But how?"

"You need a set of men's clothing," he said, with a gleam in his eyes. "Don't worry, it will only be for a few hours. We will be back by sundown. Nobody will know we were gone."

"But what if your father sends for me? Or you?" I said, horrified and excited at the same time. "He will surely punish us!"

Cao Pi smiled broadly and replied in confidence, "He has gone to Jizhou with Zi Jian and Chen Lin. He won't be back so soon. Should we go then?"

It was a brilliant idea – no one would suspect that I would dress up as a man. Cao Pi had many male friends and I could pretend to be one of them. I nodded to Cao Pi and we managed to find a set of men's clothing that fitted my size. Men's clothes were less restrictive and more functional than women's clothing. I tied my hair into a bun with a silk cloth and admired myself in the mirror. Now, I looked like my brother Zhen Yan when he was younger. Zi Yan noticed there was something different about me that day. "Zhen Fu, why are you wearing men's clothes?"

"I'm going to the river festival with Cao Pi," I replied with a dreamy grin.

"I have never seen you like this," she commented.

"Like what?"

"Like you are going to meet a lover…"

My hands flew to my flushed cheeks. "Oh, Zi Yan… is it that obvious?"

"Ever since you started wearing the hairpin that Master Cao Pi gave you…"

Oh, I hadn't realized that and laughed. "I feel so happy and light! Cao Pi just told me that he loved me and wanted me to be his wife! I never thought I could feel like I could fall in love…I was so beaten and having this idea drummed into my head that I was a bad omen, an unlucky charm that I never thought that good things could come my way…"

"So you are in love with Cao Pi?"

I danced around the room and hugged Zi Yan. "So foolishly in love!"

Zi Yan smiled. "I am happy for you and pray that the both of you will have a happy future together."

"Thank you, dear friend… It will be a fight worth fighting for," I said as my determination grew stronger.

I slipped on my black boots and strode out to meet Cao Pi. His eyes widened in awe and appreciation. "You look amazing! Hmm, what shall I call you?" he wondered out loud. "I can't use your name when we are outside."

"You can call me Zhen Yan. The name belonged to my brother…"

"Excellent! Your name will be Zhen Yan for today…"

Laughing gaily, we made our way to the stables. Cao Pi instructed the stable hand to ready the horses.

"Do you know how to ride a horse?" he asked as he brought me a white colored mare. I looked up at the magnificent animal in front of me and gulped nervously. I had not expected this challenge as I mumbled apologetically, "Well, I err… I… feel more comfortable in a carriage…"

He laughed. "That's all right. For now, we can use the carriage…It is also less conspicuous that way."

As the carriage rolled toward the gates of the palace, the guards did not recognize me and allowed us through. Cao Pi's plan had worked.

Together, we strolled along the river and watched the boat races, the music and song performances by the riverbank. We stopped by a teahouse and chatted about the day's events. I gazed upon Cao Pi and sighed deeply. Earlier, he had bought us sweet treats; sugar coated plums and rice cakes and I enjoyed them. If only we were to be married…

As we were walking back, it started to rain. We were forced to take shelter in an empty building.

"We should rest here until the rain stops," Cao Pi said as he began to gather pieces of wood to make a fire. Soon, we were sitting next to each other, enjoying the warmth and each other's company.

"Zi Huan, I am very happy today," I said with a smile.

"I'm glad," he said and reached out to hold my hand. "When we are married, we can do this every day…no more hiding, no more secrets…"

I looked at Cao Pi and murmured sadly, "You know that your father will not be happy about this. He wants me to become his concubine…How could you hope that he would change his mind?"

He pulled me into his arms. "I know but I don't care. I will not give you up. I love you, Zhen Fu. If it came to that, I would rather die than to live without you."

"Hush, you mustn't say that," I said quickly, sad and elated at the same time. "It would make me sad."

"I have tried to think of a way for us to be together but I haven't come up with any ideas yet," he said ruefully, balling his fist in frustration.

"We will think of a way… There has to be a way, even with the odds against us," I added.

"Yes, we will think of a way…"

As we reached the palace, we bid each other a reluctant goodbye.

* * *

 **Author's Note** :

 _* Hightower, James Robert. "The Fu of T'ao Ch'ien" and Wikipedia_


	5. Chapter 5

**Matters of the Heart**

 _How do I solve the problem of Cao Cao?_

I had run this scenario so many times in my head. In some scenarios, Cao Cao agreed to Cao Pi's request to marry me, and later followed by one of the most lavish of weddings ever seen in this kingdom.

And in some scenarios he said no, accompanied by the most angst-filled phase of life anybody has ever seen. I spent an agonizing amount of time thinking about the "what if's" and talking to Zi Yan about it, but I never actually did anything to solve it. Whenever she advised me to just do it, I shut down. To me, if I asked Cao Cao, and knowing who he was, it would probably be a "no". My perfect future would then collapse and I would be a miserable for the rest of my life.

I wished I could finally stop wasting my time being scared of what might happen and make my decision.

* * *

Cao Cao had planned for an archery tournament to be held in the palace courtyard. Banners with Cao insignia were made, tapestries hung, sword fighters to acrobats were asked to perform for this splendid day. I heard that it was Cao Zhi's idea to have this tournament and Cao Cao, being the indulging parent, agreed to it. Moreover, the emperor's envoy was here and Cao Cao wanted to impress him.

"This will be the greatest tournament that Ye City has ever seen," Cao Zhi had said to me.

On that day, I did not know that Cao Pi was also taking part in the tournament. He has kept this a secret and not told me. It was Cao Zhi who appeared at my door, dressed in resplendent robes of blue and white, his mood was buoyant and cheerful.

"Zi Jian, it is a surprise to see you," I greeted him with a smile.

"Good morning, Zhen _Jie_. You look beautiful today," he complimented me. Cao Zhi had decided that he would call me his big sister, as it should be since I was older than him.

"Thank you, Zi Jian for your kind compliment."

"I have come to personally escort you to the tournament grounds," he told me.

"But where is Cao Pi?" I asked, a little intrigued by his brother's absence.

"I don't know," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "I haven't seen him all morning."

"That is strange. He would be notified of an important event such as this," I commented.

"Oh, I never take any notice of my elder brother," he said, as we walked along the corridors.

"You don't?" I was curious.

He made a face and shook his head. "Cao Pi is serious and scholarly but not gifted. Everyone says I am very gifted in my studies and music also, just like my father."

"Then, perhaps you can show me your work one day," I said, impressed by his confidence.

"Yes, that would be excellent!" he gushed. "I shall show it to you tomorrow!"

We arrived at the viewing box that was set up for Cao Cao and his family. Cao Cao was seated at the center with the emperor's envoy to his right. There was an empty seat to his left, beside the Lady Bian. Cao Cao smiled as I approached.

"Lady Zhen, I am pleased that you have decided to grace this event," he said. "I have saved a place for you."

He gestured to the empty seat next to him – I was surprised and a little shaken. It was indeed a rare honor and he used this great tournament to tell everyone that I was his favorite. I dared not disobey and gingerly sat down, suddenly aware of the many envious eyes watching me as Cao Zhi joined his friends in the terrace below.

One by one, the contestants took to the field. As Cao Pi rode into the grounds, I caught my breath. He was wearing a new armor of leather and bronze when he bowed before us. My hands flew to my face, my mouth trembling as our eyes met across the field.

Cao Cao started speaking and I quickly lowered my gaze. Various target archery and distance shooting were introduced in this competition with contestants using bows and colorful arrows. Static and moving targets were used to test the abilities of each contestant. Every time Cao Pi took the field, I found myself silently rooting for him. My hands would grip the sides of my chair as he nocked his arrow to take aim. The crowds would cheer and clap whenever a contestant wins and groan when he missed the target. Cao Pi emerged the overall winner of five games. Lady Bian and I were delighted while Cao Cao seemed pleased with the result.

"My son, you have proven yourself today in the field," he said proudly.

"Lady Zhen, would you do the honor of presenting the prize to the winner?" Cao Cao asked, as he turned to me.

Bowing my head, I said, "As you wish, my lord."

The prize was a solid gold arrow, made by artisan craftsmen for this competition. I made my way down to the grounds and stood before Cao Pi. He came forward as I presented the prize to him.

"Master Cao Pi, congratulations."

"Thank you, my lady," he responded, his eyes burning with passion for me. His love for me warmed me like the hot sun of summer. Suddenly, I forgot where I was as I could only see Cao Pi, the rest of the world seemed to melt away for that few seconds.

The roar of the crowd brought me out of my daze as I smiled to Cao Pi and returned to my seat. I sneaked a side glance at Cao Cao and saw him watching me with a frown. Did he just witness the looks that Cao Pi gave me?

Suddenly, I felt afraid and worried.

Things came to a head when Chen Lin appeared at my door one day. We sat down while Zi Yan poured him some tea.

"Lady Zhen, I am sent here by Lord Cao to talk to you regarding his 'interests'," Chen Lin said vaguely.

My mind was spinning with the many possibilities as to why he was here but I showed a neutral face as I waited for him to continue.

"He informed me that that he wishes to take you as his concubine. He has asked me to seek your thoughts on this delicate matter."

I stared at him in shock. I thought I had more time to think this over, to come up with a plan…

 _Think! Think!_

I urgently chided myself. I had to extricate myself from this predicament. I did not want to become his concubine. Although he was brilliant and clever, he did not hold my heart. It already belonged to another. I regarded him like a father figure, never lover. My 'thoughts' did not matter to Cao Cao – he only wanted me to come to him willingly. Still, I refused to give my consent.

"I am his prisoner. He can do whatever he wishes with me…" I said coldly.

"Lord Cao prefers a softer approach when dealing in such matters. He does not want to force you to do anything that you don't want to," Chen Lin carefully explained.

Sensing my reluctance, he plowed on. "It is a good offer, if I may say so. You would be provided with a house of your own, servants and material wealth… If you are waiting for Yuan Xi…"

"Please do not bring up my husband," I cut him off crossly. "I am not waiting for him to rescue me. I have long abandoned that hope!"

"Then what will become of you?" Chen Lin exclaimed.

"Please tell Lord Cao that I do not wish to become his concubine," I said. "I do not want to be a nightingale in a gilded cage. I want to be the swallow that flies south in winter…"

Chen Lin understood but he warned me ominously. "Lady Zhen, once Lord Cao has set his sights on something, he will not stop until he possesses it."

* * *

"Counselor Chen Lin came to see me today," I told Cao Pi.

"I know."

His expression was dark and gloomy. "I have asked my mother to intervene on our behalf but she said that I had to marry a woman from a noble house, not a wife of another man…"

It was too good to be true that Cao Pi could love me. Lady Bian's words cut deep but if it was for Cao Pi's well-being and happiness, I was willing to sacrifice my own. With a shaky breath, I said, "Lady Bian is right, Zi Huan. Your future will be secure…"

"No. It does not have to be that way," he insisted, shocked and disheartened that I would let go of what we had. Cao Pi took both my hands into his. "I am not going to lose you, Zhen Fu… My father has made his move and we have to act fast. He has spies everywhere and they would be watching you closely…"

I shivered at the thought of his men lurking around my chambers, watching everything that I did.

"I will have to see Father myself," Cao Pi decided. "And tell him about us."

"Is that wise?" I asked worriedly. "Your father probably already know about us from his spies in the palace. It has to be something more to convince him to release me."

Cao Pi became silent. He looked as if his entire world had crashed and burned before him and I felt his despair.

He sighed and quickly wiped a tear from his eye. "What are we to do?"

"If we cannot be together, I will kill myself on my wedding night," I said quietly. "This is my promise to you…Then, hopefully, we will meet again in the next life…"

"No, I can't let you do it… Just, no…"

Cao Pi's heart was broken as he pulled me into his arms and we both wept.

* * *

Cao Cao must be furious. There was no word from him after my talk with Chen Lin. In reality, I was his prisoner and he could execute me for rejecting him. In this game, the winner takes all.

One evening, I received an invitation from Cao Cao. Hua Xin said he was happy that the matter in Jizhou had been settled amicably and that he had requested my presence to celebrate this victory with him. Cao Cao never talked about his military or political ambitions and mostly kept me entertained with his frivolous pursuits so I wondered what could be the matter. I told Hua Xin that it was already late and if there was anything that he wished to discuss with me, it would have to wait until morning.

"Lady Zhen, my lord has taken your handmaid, Zi Yan and holding her in a cell," Hua Xin said grimly. "If you wish to have her back, you will go to him."

I was shocked, as anger and resentment filled my heart. _How could he do this to Zi Yan? My poor friend._

Hua Xin snapped his fingers and a servant appeared with what looked like a set of clothes – a scarlet dress of sheer silk and chiffon. I let out a gasp. It looked like a wedding dress!

"My lord wishes you to put this on tonight."

What other choice did I have? I took the dress from the servant.

"Please wait outside while I dress up."

Gazing at myself in the mirror, I suddenly had a sense of cringing _déjà vu_ … It was my wedding night all over again, only this time it would be Cao Cao and not Yuan Xi. The dress looked stunning on me, the intricate beading shimmered in the candlelight and the soft material clung to my curves – Cao Cao must have meticulously picked it out for me to wear. My heart was beating rapidly and my hands were trembling under the long sleeves. He was forcing his hand by taking Zi Yan as hostage. I would not allow Cao Cao to hurt Zi Yan. I would not allow him to touch me. If it came to that, I would end my life with the hidden blade in my sleeve. With a deep breath, I walked out to meet him. Hua Xin announced my arrival and I came forward.

Cao Cao strolled towards me and said, "I am glad that you have finally agreed to come this evening."

I sank into a deep curtsy. "Lord Cao, I am here. Please release Zi Yan now… She is innocent."

He was testing me. "It seems that your little maid means more to you than all my offers or gifts…"

Gazing steadily at him, I said, "Then, clearly you do not know me."

Cao Cao just waved off my comment. "There will be plenty of time for that… Your maid is on her way back to her room as we speak."

"Thank you, my lord."

There was no way of confirming this as I just had to trust that he would keep his word. Cao Cao led me to the table where wine decanter and a pair of wine goblets were prepared. The room was lit only by candles and the bed hung with rich draperies. We were alone in his bedroom- it was a scene for ravishment. After the servant had poured out the wine, Cao Cao dismissed him so we could be alone.

He handed me a goblet of wine. "Zhen Fu, I greatly enjoy your company and our conversations. You are never far from my thoughts, each time we part, I would think of our next meeting. The truth is that I desired you from the moment I saw you."

I sat as still as a statue, eyes fixed on the wine goblet in front of me. My heart was drumming loudly in my chest.

"Don't look so afraid," he said soothingly. "I won't hurt you. I will treat you well, care for you and give you anything you desire…"

Cao Cao moved closer and whispered into my ear.

 _No joy shall equal the delights of this first night,_

 _These shall never be forgotten…*_

I felt his kiss on my cheek and my hand instinctively went to my neck as I felt an invisible noose tightening. It was now or never… I had to tell him.

"No, Lord Cao… I cannot drink this cup of wine," I stammered. "I cannot be yours because Cao Pi has already claimed me as his…"

There was an icy silence.

Cao Cao put down the wine goblet and threw a dark, hard gaze at me. "When did this happen?"

I bowed my head.

"During the siege of Ye… Cao Pi found us and took care of us. One night, he had too much to drink. He… he took me to his room and… and he…"

Cao Cao lifted his hand to stop me as he turned away in anger. "I have heard enough! That useless son of mine! How dare he steal from me?! No one takes Cao Cao's possessions!"

Surely, he would not kill his own flesh and blood, just so that he could have me? Suddenly, fearful of the repercussions, I blurted out, "He did not know… He did not know that you wanted me too!"

"He is a fool! This year we have fought and defeated many great enemies. Were these wars fought for the sake of one woman?" he raged. "If he were not my own son, I would have him executed for insubordination!"

I remained silent as he paced back and forth in the room. It was frightening to see him in such a rage. Cao Cao then shouted, "Hua Xin!"

His advisor came scurrying in, pale faced. "My lord."

"Send for my son, Cao Pi. Now!"

"Yes, my lord," Hua Xin stammered and quickly went out to search for Cao Pi.

"He will pay for this," he seethed.

* * *

I was buying time, attending Cao Cao's invitations and playing to his whims. It was such agony, knowing that he would soon want me in his bed. I thought about how and when I should start to tell this audacious lie – that Cao Pi had claimed me on the night of the siege of Ye City. It was a gamble – Cao Cao was a proud and vain man, and if I could tell it so that it convinced him, maybe, just maybe, he would lose interest in me and I would be free to choose my own destiny.

It seemed to have worked when I told Cao Cao that evening. He was so angry but I never thought the events that unfolded thereafter would escalate like wildfire on a dry day. Hua Xin came running to Cao Cao's chambers.

"My lord," Hua Xin bowed. "I have brought Young Master, Cao Pi."

When Cao Pi came in, he was surprised to see me there. "Zhen Fu!" he cried out a sigh of relief upon seeing me. "Are you hurt?"

Cautiously, I shook my head. Cao Pi then realized that he had ignored his father and greeted him unsteadily.

I could tell that Cao Pi had been drinking – his face was slightly flushed and there was a stench of alcohol in his breath. He must have been agonizing over my fate the whole night as there was little he could do. Cao Pi knew his father desired me – he didn't want to challenge his father and ruin their relationship. It tore him to pieces that he should give me up.

"Ungrateful son!" Cao Cao shouted. "Kneel down!"

"How dare you defy me?" he roared and kicked his son down.

Afraid for Cao Pi. I rushed to kneel down beside him and helped him up. "Zi Huan!"

He winced in pain but did not make a sound, glaring up at his father.

"Stand up!" Cao Cao bellowed. "You have disappointed me over and over again… I know what you have done… quietly seeing Zhen Fu behind my back. I did not believe it when Hua Xin told me but the truth is out. I hate people taking my possessions! Zhen Fu is mine!"

Cao Cao struck him so hard with the back of his hand that Cao Pi fell and blood dripped from his mouth. I cried out in dismay.

 _This isn't supposed to happen! What have I done? Was he going to kill his own flesh and blood?_

I had under-estimated Cao Cao and what he was capable of. I had thought I was cleverer than this cunning old fox, that I could turn the situation to my favor. Now, I realized my mistake, as guilt washed over me like a wave. I was going to get Cao Pi killed, my handsome and kind young prince. Tears of sorrow began to flow as I wept for my folly.

 _I am so sorry…Please, please, somebody help us…_

"My lord, please stop!" a woman's voice suddenly penetrated through my despairing thoughts. Cao Pi's mother, Lady Bian had arrived. "Mengde, please stop… You will kill your son! If Cao Pi has done something wrong, we can talk about it in a calm manner…"

"Quiet woman! I don't need your advice," Cao Cao commanded. Then, stalking past his wife, he drew out his sword from its scabbard. Immediately, Lady Bian, Cao Pi and myself knelt down and begged for mercy.

"Please stop before you do something that you'll regret!" Lady Bian said tearfully.

Cao Cao aimed the sword at his son. "Give up your claim on Zhen Fu," he demanded. "Or else, I will kill you…"

Cao Pi stared defiantly at his father. "I will not!"

Cao Cao's eyes widened in anger. "What did you say?!"

"Never!" Cao Pi repeated boldly as he held me tightly. "Father, I respect you and love you but my love for Zhen Fu cannot be extinguished. I will not give her up! Not even for you!"

I looked sorrowfully at him. _Foolish, foolish boy! I don't deserve your love…_

In his fury, Cao Cao nearly brought the sword down on his son but hesitated after Lady Bian screamed in terror. "No!"

Hua Xin and the other advisors, including Chen Lin rushed in and knelt before Cao Cao, begging for leniency. "My lord, we caution against this rash action. Please reconsider!" they said with their heads bowed.

"If you want to kill you son. You will have to kill me first," Lady Bian threatened.

"Mother, no!" Cao Pi cried. "This is my decision. I will bear the consequences alone!"

Then, turning to his father, Cao Pi said hatefully, "Leave my mother out of this!"

"Ungrateful son! See how you have turned your mother against me," Cao Cao said. "Turned all my advisors against me… I should have all of you executed!"

"Young Master, Cao Pi did not mean it," Hua Xin quickly added. "We are your loyal subjects. If news of this gets out, you will lose all the support that you have worked so hard to build up. The people will not look up to a leader who murders his own family."

Chen Lin spoke up, "There is still much to be done to unite our kingdom. Please don't let this little setback destroy your legacy…"

Cao Cao shouted in frustration as Chen Lin's words seemed to have gotten through to him. His kingdom was worth more to him than a pretty wench. He threw down his sword and waved his hand. "Get out! All of you!"

His advisors quietly withdrew as Lady Bian told his son quietly, "We should leave now and allow your father some time alone to think."

Cao Pi nodded and got up with much difficulty. Lady Bian and I helped him to walk away.

* * *

In desperation, I had to sacrifice my virtue by telling a lie – that Cao Pi had claimed me first. A lie that nearly cost Cao Pi's life at his own father's hands. My innocence was ruined and I would be labeled a whore for this. Crude names aside, Cao Cao seemed to have grudgingly given me up as he ordered us out of his room in anger. Cao Pi was battered and bruised but he held on tightly to my hand – he was not letting me go.

Lady Bian told us to meet her in her chambers.

"Tell me, why the both of you should be together?" she ordered. The messy affair in Cao Cao's room had rattled even the most patient of women.

Cao Pi and I fell to our knees as she interrogated us about our relationship, our love was standing before her to be scrutinized and judged.

"I am in love with Zhen Fu," Cao Pi said. "I will not marry another."

"I love your son, Lady Bian… I love Zi Huan."

Lady Bian snorted with irritation. "Is there anything more?"

I was confused and she was unwilling to offer us any prompts or clues. Her face was stern and blank.

I felt defeated. Was not love enough a reason? I looked at Cao Pi and felt as if the whole world was pulling us apart, that my heart was being ripped from my chest. Then, I slowly turned to Lady Bian.

"Zi Huan isn't very vocal, his actions speak louder than his words. I didn't know what it was like to fall in love before I met him. He stood by me, took care of me and made me so very happy. He restored my faith that a man could be kind and loving. I would not be the person I am if not for him. He is the most important person in my life. I would rather die than be without him," I told her from my heart.

Lady Bian blinked. I thought she would not agree. Then, all would be lost.

Suddenly, she smiled and said, "That was what I was waiting for. It tells me without a doubt, that you love each other."

I looked at her, baffled and relieved at the same time. She was waiting for our hearts to speak. We received the official nod for our relationship.

"I will speak with your father and obtain his blessings," Lady Bian finally said as she told us to stand up.

Cao Pi and I smiled at each other.

"Zhen Fu, from the beginning that I met you, I knew that you will be a part of this family. I didn't know that it was Zi Huan that finally captured your heart," she said. "Go back and take a rest for the night."

"Thank you, Mother!" Cao Pi said.

"Thank you, Lady Bian."

As we walked back to our respective quarters, Cao Pi was confident that his mother would be able to pacify Cao Cao.

I could not sleep a wink that night as I tossed and turned in my bed. The court physician had earlier given Cao Pi a sleeping draught and he was soon asleep. As for me, I was still thinking about what had happened earlier. Cao Pi had told me that he was locked in his room by his father's orders and he could not warn me. Cao Cao had laid a trap for the both of us by separating us and kidnapping Zi Yan. In the end, I played Cao Cao like a fool and he certainly would not forget it. I turned towards Zi Yan and saw her sleeping soundly on the floor next to my bed.

The poor girl was so frightened out of her wits that she dared not go back to her own room and so, I allowed her to spend the night with me. She needed some comfort and assurance. It was my fault that she suffered. I did not tell her how close I was to being killed that night; that I had told a great lie and nearly cost many peoples' lives.

 _What will Cao Cao do now?_ I wondered with a sigh.

The next day, I was summoned to the great hall. As soon as my name was announced, my heart missed a beat. If Cao Cao were to execute me, then I would go out with my head held high and my virtue intact. There would be no whining and wailing as I was prepared for the worst. Lesser men would have lost their heads after what I had done to Cao Cao.

Lady Bian was standing next to Cao Cao at the top of the stairs. Strangely, she was smiling but Cao Cao's face was grave. He appeared to have aged overnight, the lines on his face more deeply grooved and his eyes shadowed. Cao Cao was still angry and sour with disappointment, his plans thwarted by a woman. That would have unmanned him so bitterly.

All his court generals and advisors were there too. To my right was Cao Pi – he looked much better after last night's thrashing, the bruise on his cheek faintly visible. He was frowning - seemingly engrossed in his own thoughts. I was relieved that he was not badly injured.

"Cao Pi… Lady Zhen, come forward."

I came to stand next to Cao Pi at the bottom of the stairs. I greeted him with a small smile. His gloomy expression dissipated, his eyes wide with joy.

"I decree that Lady Zhen shall be married to my son, Cao Pi," Cao Cao said imperiously. "The marriage will take place in ten days."

Everyone in the court nodded in agreement and smiled. Cao Pi broke into a wide grin as he grabbed my hands. "We will be together at last!"

I merely nodded my head, unsure of the unexpected turn of events. Lady Bian came down the steps and hugged her son. I looked back at Cao Cao – there was no warmth from the man who would be my father-in-law. For a moment, my confidence dimmed. I had hoped that he would surrender to my determination. Now, seeing his cold countenance, I had a fear that perhaps the marriage might be nothing more than revenge by the most cunning of lords.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** _To my dear readers, thanks for following this story so far. You are the reason that I am continuing to post this fic. I will not let you down and finish this. XOXO_

 _* Chang Heng,_ _T"ung-sheng-ko_


	6. Chapter 6

**A Woman Married**

I had dreamed of this occasion so many times that I never thought that it would come true. My determination to set my own path has culminated in this point – a bittersweet triumph for myself and for Cao Pi.

Lady Bian oversaw the wedding preparations. Seamstresses worked day and night to finish my bridal trousseau of red silk and velvet, embroidered with silver threads and precious gems. The end product was a gorgeous wedding dress. One day, Lady Bian took me aside and said to me, "Zhen Fu, it is only proper that I send wedding gifts to your family in Zhongshan. "As this union is rather… to put it nicely …complicated… and so as not to create any controversy that would put my husband in bad light, I want you and Zi Huan to bring the gifts back to your hometown after the wedding. Would that be all right? I know that you have not been back in a long time… You should discuss this with Zi Huan later."

I stared at her, wide-eyed and in shock – I never thought I would return home again, to my family. Tears filled my eyes. "Thank you, Lady Bian. This means so much to me…"

Lady Bian wiped away my tears and patted my hand. "Why are you crying? A bride-to-be should not be crying…"

"I'm all teary because I am happy, Lady Bian. You have been so kind to me."

"Zi Huan tells me that you have had a rough time with the Yuans. I want you to know that as part of the Cao family, you will be loved like one of my children," she said. "You can set your heart at ease."

Lady Bian prepared ten chests of gold, silver and silks as my wedding dowry. She ensured that all were appropriately done according to customary rites. "Zhen Fu, I appoint you the custodian of these gifts until you send them to your family," she told me.

"Yes, Lady Bian."

A few days later, there was a grand banquet at the palace to celebrate the upcoming nuptials. Gorgeous pavilions were constructed to house the guests in the grand courtyard. There were many guests, as Cao Pi and I took our seats at the main pavilion. Cao Zhi was already there with his parents and he smiled at me. There was no opportunity to exchange so much as one word. As gracious hosts, we had to welcome the guests that came by our table.

Cao Zhi's gaze flicked towards me. I gave him smile before Cao Pi took my attention away. When I glanced back, he was still looking at me, his eyes fixated on my lips and then, he blushed red to be caught. It was considerably brazen for a young man to stare at a lady like that. I quickly looked away and pretended not to notice his flirtatious gaze.

 _It is wrong to encourage such behavior, especially when I will become his sister-in-law in a few days. Why doesn't he look at the other girls here? There was a pretty girl, Lady Cui who was attending to Lady Bian…_

Then, Cao Cao asked Cao Zhi to read a poem from the Book of Songs. He did not need a scroll as he had memorized them, speaking eloquently by heart. All the guests watched Cao Zhi with amazement and were full of praise for him.

Then, Cao Zhi's friends came forward and they took the stage and engaged in a round of poetry recitation. He was surrounded by an amusing, congenial and intelligent group of friends. They spoke of youthful energy and ambition, love for country and family. I enjoyed the poetry session immensely and clapped excitedly when it was over. Cao Zhi looked to me for a compliment but was met with a frown from Cao Pi instead. His smile faded as he walked back to his seat.

As Cao Pi escorted me back to my chambers after the banquet, Cao Pi was unusually quiet.

"What is the matter, Zi Huan? Is something bothering you?" I asked out of concern.

"Did you enjoy my brother's performance? He and his bunch of jokers?"

"Oh yes, I thought he was such fun."

"He is a braggart… He always has to be the center of attention all the time," Cao Pi said irritably. "He has just turned thirteen and he thinks he is a man. He ends up making a fool of himself and all of us. And nobody ever checks him! Did you not see how he looked at you?"

"Oh, really?" I said with laugh. "Zi Huan, you are a little too harsh on your little brother. I don't see it at all."

Of course, I noticed it – what woman would not? I had hoped that Cao Zhi's adoration was not too obvious and yet, it did not escape Cao Pi's shrewd observation. I did not want to hurt Cao Pi's feelings so I brushed off his suspicions. _This boyhood infatuation would soon pass_ , I thought.

"He fancies himself in love with you and he even dreamed that he met you before me!"

"How silly!" I remarked.

"He's always been like that. And because he is the favorite of everyone he is allowed to say and do exactly as he wants. While I was at the battleground, he stays safe within the confines of the court. After my brother, Cao Ang died, I had to learn survival, study hard, and prepare myself to eventually succeed my father. Zi Jian never had any responsibilities in all his life! He had to have a horse when I had a horse – though I had been asking for one for years but only given a pony till I was six years old. He got a falcon when I had my first falcon. Then, he had to have my martial arts master, Shi-E, and tries to outmatch me, tries to outshine me whenever he can and always takes the attention."

I saw that he was genuinely upset.

"He is everyone's favorite," said Cao Pi glumly. "He has everything for the asking and everything comes easily to him. I bet he will grow up to be spoiled and selfish… "

"Perhaps he will change. I have seen my own sister, Zhen Rong change when she got married," I said, trying to placate him.

Cao Pi remained adamant. "That remains to be seen."

I knew I couldn't make Cao Pi change his mind about his brother and so, I subtly changed the topic.

"If you must know, I treat Zi Jian like a little brother that I never had. There is only one person who holds my heart," I baited Cao Pi and he fell for it, his resentment over his brother forgotten.

"I am the one, right?" he asked anxiously, taking my hand in his. "Zhen Fu, please say that you love me."

My heart fluttered at his loving gaze. I never knew that Cao Pi, a fearsome warrior could be so adorable at times.

"Of course, it is you, Cao Zi Huan," I answered truthfully. "You must never, ever forget that!"

He smiled and drew me into his warm embrace. "I love you too, Zhen Fu," he said with a contented sigh. "We will be married in a few days. Father has given us our own residence not far from the palace and we will be together always, just the two of us…"

"Err, just the two of us?" I looked up at him with twinkling mischievousness. Cao Pi was confused.

"Did you not include all the servants, the cooks, gardeners, guards…? It seems like a lot of people to me…"

I did a mock count using my fingers and feigned a worried look. Cao Pi grinned when he realized that I was teasing him. "You, my dear little flower, are mocking me! I am an excellent mathematician…"

"Oh, what a relief!" I said with a laugh.

"And I intend to add to that number, many more children of our own!"

My eyes went wide with amazement. "How many?"

Now, it was Cao Pi's turn to tease me. "Ten seems like a nice number…"

"Ten?! Are you serious?"

"Very, very serious…"

For a second, I thought he was not joking. He tried to put on a grim expression but could not hold it for long as his smiling eyes betrayed him.

"You… you awful, awful man!"

Cao Pi laughed as I pretended to be upset by turning away from him. "Zhen Fu, please do not be angry. I was only joking!"

Turning around to hug my lover, I whispered, "It is my dearest wish to have many children with you. If the gods will it."

I had succeeded in making Cao Pi smile again.

* * *

I was admiring my wedding finery on the eve of my wedding; the phoenix crown, the gold hairpins, makeup and dress. They were all laid out in front of me and I was more than ready for my big day. The moon was shining brightly that night as I said a little prayer for good luck. Tonight, I would be dreaming happy thoughts and I settled down to sleep with a smile on my face.

In the middle of the night, I was rudely awakened by an intruder in my bedroom, a man dressed in black with a black scarf over his face. He had entered my bedroom through the window. I was about to shout for help when he jumped me, one hand on his sword and the other covered my mouth.

"Shhh… Do not scream… I am not here to hurt you," he whispered. His eyes darted around to check if there was anybody else in the room.

Confused and frightened, I nodded slowly and he removed his hand from my mouth. "Who are you?" I asked, grabbing the blanket to my chest. There was a man in my room and he was not my husband. Moreover, I was still in my nightclothes.

"I will answer your questions later… You must come with me quickly!" he replied.

The intruder found my cloak hanging next to my bed and asked me to put it on.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked fearfully. I saw blood on his sword and did not want to go with him.

 _I will be married in a few hours!_

"Away from here!" came his angry retort.

"I don't know who you are and what you are doing in my room… I will not go with you!" I said loudly, hoping that Zi Yan could hear me next door. The intruder glared at me.

"Why do you want to stay here, with the enemy? I will not let them force you into marrying Cao Cao's son!"

Suddenly, I stilled as my eyes were fixed on the figure in black. "Yuan Xi?"

He did not respond but I was quite sure it was him. He held out his hand to me. "Come with me…"

 _Why? Why did he come for me? I had put my past behind me now and looking forward to my new life with Cao Pi… I cannot go back now! I can't…_

I stood my ground resolutely. "I thank you for your concern but I will not leave Ye City. You should leave now and pretend none of this ever happened."

"What did you say?! Don't tell me you are in love with that bastard's son?!"

"His name is Cao Pi... and yes, I am in love with him…"

"Impossible!"

He grabbed my hand and in the struggle, tore my sleeve as I screamed for help. The scream alerted the guards and the alarm was raised.

"Let me go!" I shouted. "Help!"

The next thing I knew, he shoved a cloth over my mouth. The heady smell of herbs overwhelmed me and I was knocked out momentarily.

I could hear the commotion outside and I felt my body being lifted up and carried out like a rag doll. Everything was blurry and I felt helpless. Soon, we were surrounded by Cao Cao's soldiers, with their fiery torches and gleaming swords. I could barely make out the voices.

"Release Lady Zhen!"

"Stay back! I will kill her if you come any closer!"

"You will not leave here alive! Surrender now!"

"Yuan Xi," I managed to say to him. "If it is you, please stop this…The snow has turned to water… There can be no turning back for us…Please, save yourself. Leave while you still can…"

He seemed reluctant to let me go. In the end, he must have realized that it was too late and with a blinding flash and smoke he pushed me away and escaped into the dark.

My limp body felt weightless as I was thrust forward into someone's arms – it was Cao Pi.

"Zhen Fu…"

I smiled and fainted.

When I awoke, my head felt heavy as if I had too much to drink and I thought I saw Cao Pi seated by my bedside. "Zi Huan?" I said with a raspy voice.

The figure moved and I felt his warm hands on mine. "Zhen Ji, you are awake!"

It was not a dream. My beloved was here – I was not taken away after all.

"Zi Huan!" I cried out as I tried to get up from the bed.

Cao Pi pulled me into a hug as his voice cracked with emotion. "Everything is all right now… The doctor said you suffered only minor bruises on your arms and neck. The headaches will lessen in a day or two. The potion used to subdue you was quite potent."

"Did you manage to capture the intruder?" I had to know if he was really Yuan Xi. Deep in my heart, I was troubled.

Cao Pi shook his head. "He got away."

"I see."

"Do you know who it was?" he asked.

"He did not confirm his identity to me… I think he… he could be Yuan Xi."

"Yuan Xi?!" Cao Pi echoed, in shock. "Only a Yuan would be daring enough to enter this palace and try to kill my father…But my father was ready for him… He was outnumbered and outmatched."

The assassin had tried to kill Cao Cao! He must be extremely courageous or foolish to attempt this.

"Is your father safe?"

"Yes, he is unharmed but furious that an intruder could get into the palace so easily. He has ordered Cao Zhang to double up the guards," Cao Pi added.

"Zi Huan, I am sorry that our wedding plans are disrupted…"

He gazed at me kindly. "It is not your fault that there was a disturbance in the palace. We can still get married once this matter is resolved…"

"Really?"

Cao Pi nodded and planted a kiss on my forehead.

I went into his arms and sighed, thinking that I could have nearly lost my chance at happiness.

* * *

A week later. I was a bride again. Cao Pi, who stood next to me was radiant with excitement, dressed in his wedding garment. We were before Cao Cao and Lady Bian, with the whole court present. The wedding was grand and almost surreal. For once, I was blissful and in love.

It was all so long ago. Four long years - my marriage to Yuan Xi a mere memory. Now, I was in the bridal chamber dressed in an exquisite nightgown, waiting for Cao Pi with a mixture of trepidation and delight. At a nearby table, a pair of porcelain mandarin ducks sat together, a symbol of love and marriage.

Cao Pi's companions brought the groom to my door, tapped on it and admitted him to my rooms. I rose as he came in and bowed. Cao Pi lifted me up with a touch of my elbow. I saw at once he was flushed with embarrassment, I felt his hand tremble. His eyes still held that awe, as he poured the wedding wine into little gold cups.

We lifted our cups to each other. "From today onwards, what is in the past remains in the past. We have a future to look forward together. I am very happy that you are finally my wife. From today onwards, you will be my Zhen Ji."

We drank our wine and put the cups away.

He then led me to the bed and began to undress me, his fingers clumsily began to untie the ribbons that held my robes together. "It will be my first time, Zhen Ji," he admitted shyly. "I hope you don't think any less of me?"

"Of course not," I said sweetly, as I tried not to think of my wedding night with Yuan Xi. "I do not have much experience in this too…"

"So we shall learn together. I don't want to hurt you. You must tell me if anything hurts you."

Soon we were in our inner garments – our robes left in a heap on the ground. I moved into his arms with ease and felt his body stiffen at my touch. Gracefully, I stepped back but kept my hand in his until we both fell into bed together. I smiled up at Cao Pi and saw his eyes darken with desire.

"I love you so much," he said breathlessly.

"And I, you."

Slowly, I untied the ribbon of my garment, letting the silk linen fall apart so he could see all of me. Cao Pi sighed and dropped his face into the warmth of my neck, his breath coming fast and urgent in my hair, his body pushing against mine. I felt myself respond to his touch with delirious joy and I became his wife, and a true wife, at last.

As we lay in bed, my head on his shoulder, I gazed up at the firelight on the crimson curtains of the bed the glow of candlelight on our entwined limbs. From now on, we would make our private world together, filled with happiness.

* * *

In a short time I have come to love Cao Pi. It was impossible not to love such a brave, kind and handsome man. He wakes happy every morning, filled with confident expectation of a happy day. I think myself lucky indeed that marriage with Cao Pi was not a vow that I had to endure but one that I could enjoy.

We were given a stately residence near the palace, with servants and my dream was finally coming true; a husband who loved and cared for me and a place to call my own. I liked my new home and my new life. The first month of our marriage was nothing but parties, feasts, hunts, outings, pleasure trips, boating trips, plays and tournaments. Our home was always filled with young people; intellectuals, artists and poets that gathered frequently to talk about political matters and at times, to boast about frivolous pursuits – drinking bouts and fights, chases and attacks, and girls whom they seduce. No one dared to misbehave before me and treated me with utmost respect. I even encouraged Cao Pi to engage them. They were fine young men who were noisy, rowdy and excitable as young men always are - I knew that one day they would become important members of Cao Cao's court. Young noblewomen from the provinces wanted to join my household as my ladies-in-waiting.

It was steady unrelenting work, to keep my household running and in order while Cao Pi was away at his father's court. Zi Yan had been promoted to chief lady-in-waiting and she executed all my orders efficiently. In the evenings, Cao Pi would come to our room and we would talk about the events of the day and eventually retire together.

We lived in domestic bliss – what we felt was real desire for each other, not just a partnership of two people. Cao Pi had no interest in other women and I was blind to any man but my husband.

"Shall we go out tomorrow? Just the two of us?" he asked me as we lay together in bed.

"I would like that very much… Our house seems to be filled with people all day and night. A little peace and quiet is good," I replied reasonably.

"Then, we shall go out in the morning, just the two of us. We will inform only a few people that we will be out for the day," he said, all excited about prospects of us being alone.

One day, we rose early and took a horse out. With Cao Pi taking the reins and me astride behind him, we rode out of Ye City. We were dressed as ordinary folk and visited the nearby villages and farms. I spotted some land was cleared and new farms and asked Cao Pi about it. He said that his father had begun an agricultural reform, mainly to ensure that the army has enough food supply for any war campaign. That would mean that Cao Cao had foreseen more conflicts and was preparing for it. While we were resting at a secluded clearing in the hills, I was so inspired by the scenery that I started to play a folk song on my flute. Cao Pi took my lead and began to write on the ground with a stick…

 _I want to be your love for ever and ever,_

 _Without break or decay._

 _When the hills are all flat,_

 _The rivers are all dry._

 _When it thunders in winter,_

 _When it snows in summer_

 _When heaven and earth mingle,_

 _Not till then will I part from you.*_

I read the poem and blushed - I never knew he could be so romantic. "Zi Huan, in return for your poem, would you like to see a dance?"

Cao Pi's face beamed. "Yes!"

With a tune on my flute, I danced for him, feeling as light as a bird - my long sleeves fluttered in the wind and skirts twirling around my ankles. Then, Cao Pi joined in, his strong arms caught me by the waist and lifted me up high that I laughed delightedly. I could almost fly…

* * *

One morning, while I was arranging some flowers with my ladies, Cao Pi came to see me. It was unusual for him to return at this hour of day and his expression was grim. I knew something was amiss and dismissed my ladies so we could talk in private.

"Zhen Ji, I know you have been meaning to go back to your hometown," he began. "Our scouts told us that Yuan Shang is there and so is his brother, Yuan Tan…There was some intense fighting in the village."

"What?!"

I was horrified and suddenly anxious. "Zi Huan, do they know what has happened to my family?"

"The situation in Zhongshan is uncertain now. I will personally lead a group of soldiers to retrieve your family and bring them back here," Cao Pi assured me.

Taking his hand, I said with brimming tears, "You would do that? For me?"

"They are your family and thus, my family by marriage too. I will leave tonight with my men and I will not return until I have found them."

I went into his arms, "Zi Huan! Thank you and please be careful…"

It was three days later that a group of weary and hungry people appeared at our residence. From the gate, I could recognize my sisters; Zhen Rong and Zhen Dao. Zhen Yan's widow, Lady Li and her son were also with them. I ran out to greet them with a mixture of sadness and joy. After a round of introductions to my nieces and nephews whom I have not met, I turned to look about me. "Where are the others? Mother? San Ge?" I asked them.

Zhen Dao and Zhen Rong exchanged worried looks and finally told me that our mother had passed on. San Ge left to join Yuan Shang's army and my elder sisters wanted to remain in Zhongshan. I was stunned by the news.

"Mother is dead?" I said in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me? When did this happen?"

"During the siege of Ye City," Zhen Rong told me. "We didn't know if you were alive... that is, until your husband…came for us…"

"Life has been tough for all of us in Zhongshan after the Yuans were defeated. Yuan Shang's army took everything we had, even our husbands and sons…" Zhen Dao began to weep. "I don't know if I will ever see them again."

I was struck by her grief and hugged her. "I am so sorry, Dao _Jie_ …"

"That is why we decided to come here, to Ye City and start over," said Zhen Rong. "We have lost everything."

"My dears sisters, do not fear any more. I will take care of all of you," I promised.

As I led them into my house, I noticed Cao Pi standing in the background watching us. I met his gaze across the courtyard and smiled gratefully. He had succeeded to find my family and bring them here, where they would be safe. With the wedding dowry, I would be able to help them start a new life in Ye City comfortably while I sent out letters to my other sisters to invite them to the city.

In the evening, I hosted a banquet for them and we talked about everything - the old mansion, the town and the many changes since I left, the fields where we used to play and the people we used to know. My old nursemaid, Zi Ma was now a grandmother to fifteen grandchildren. My sisters were curious as to how I met Cao Pi and I told them plainly, excluding all references to my father-in-law, Cao Cao.

"I know that my marriage to Cao Pi is unconventional," I said. "At least, I have a life now..."

They were amazed by my steadfastness and determination to overcome the odds.

"Mother would understand considering the circumstances," said Zhen Rong. "She always talked about you when she was still alive..."

"I have been an un-filial daughter. I couldn't even pay my last respects to her," I said regretfully.

"We plan to return to Zhongshan once the war is over. You could come and visit," Zhen Dao said.

"Yes, I would like that very much..."

* * *

Later that evening, after my family had settled into their new accommodations, I set out to find Cao Pi. The servants told me that he was taking a bath in the bath house. I dismissed the servants and entered the bath house. Under no circumstances, they were to disturb us.

I removed my outer robe and shoes, walking bare-footed into the wet area. Cao Pi was sitting naked in the bathtub with his head resting on the edge, seemingly taking a nap.

"Am I disturbing you?" I asked.

Cao Pi woke up with a start and was surprised to see me there. "Zhen Ji! What are you doing here?"

"I came to tell you that my family have settled in and I want to thank you for saving them," I replied softly as I came to the edge of the bathtub and knelt down. I stripped naked to the waist and taking the sponge, I began to scrub his back. Cao Pi watched me silently as my hands moved from his back to his chiseled chest.

"My sisters wanted to know how we met," I said casually. "So I told them…"

"Thanks to your directions, I managed to locate them quite easily. They were suspicious of me initially… I think they were expecting someone else," he grunted, a little annoyed.

"Indeed. Being a relation to the Yuans by marriage did not save them from calamity," I muttered. "Not that it is worth anything now…"

"If it weren't for their sibling enmity, we would not have had the opportunity to conquer Ye City," he added. "Desperation reveals the worst side of men."

My mind began to drift to my own lie to Cao Cao. If he hadn't forced his way, I wouldn't have to resort to such extremes. Suddenly, Cao Pi caught my hand and stopped me from inching down his chest.

"Careful with the goods!" he said with a cheeky smile. "I think I can manage on my own…"

"Is there anything you want?" I whispered shyly.

He began to kiss my hand, up to the crook of my elbow towards my shoulder. My breath hitched when he said reverently, "Whatever it is that you are doing, it is working… because I want you, all of you!"

He stood up from the bath waters and dragged me to him as we kissed passionately, my hands entwined messily in his hair as his tore away at my clothes. He lifted me so my legs wound around his waist as he roughly pushed me against the wall. Fortunately, no one came in during our vigorous lovemaking. My back was sore from the scratches sustained from being taken against the wall of the bath house.

I still blush whenever I think about it.

* * *

It was the second month of my marriage that I had not bled and I was certain that I was with child. I suddenly craved for sweetmeats and began to feel the effects of morning sickness. The physician that came to see me confirmed my pregnancy. I told Cao Pi and he was ecstatic. "I want to tell everyone," he exclaimed but I shook my head.

"It is taboo to announce the pregnancy at this early stage. We have to wait until the womb is firmed."

"You must rest," he said instantly. "And should you have special things to eat? Do you have a desire for anything special to eat? I can send someone for it at once, they can wake the cooks. Tell me Zhen Ji, what would you like?"

"Nothing!" I said laughing. "I need nothing now. Truly, Zi Huan."

"Are you sure? Everything is different now."

"Yes, I'm sure," I assured my husband.

"I want to get you something," he said. "I want to look after you"

"You do look after me, Zi Huan. And I feel very well."

"Not sick? That is a sign of a boy, I'm sure."

"Truthfully, I have been feeling a little sick in the mornings," I admitted.

Cao Pi shrugged. "So what if it is a girl? She is still my child… And when do you think the baby will be born?"

"In early spring, I think."

"I must inform Mother and Father the good news."

I conceded to his request. Lady Bian and Cao Cao would be grandparents soon and they should be told first. The very next day after Cao Pi had broken the news to them, gifts of ginseng and precious herbs arrived at our residence. Lady Bian conveyed her congratulations and wanted to come over to visit me.

Cao Pi would order a chair to be brought for me everywhere we went, I must not stand too long and I must never be wearied. I had to delegate some of the household running to Zi Yan as I became easily fatigued. I was sewing baby clothing for my newborn when I received the worst news of my life – Cao Pi was going to war.

Cao Cao had summoned Cao Pi to the palace to discuss something of importance and we decided that we should also visit Lady Bian at the same time. My new mother-in-law loved me like her own daughter and we found that we have many things in common. Cao Zhi happened to visit his mother and was surprised to see me there. I hadn't seen him since the wedding day and he seemed a little more mature now and less frivolous in his pursuits. He began talking about using his skills to restore the Han Empire and showed me a new poem that he had composed.

"It's called _The White Horse_ ," he said with a smile as he began reciting it with gusto and patriotism.

Lady Bian was in tears and I was inspired and a little fearful when he said that he would be joining his father on his war campaign against the Yuans.

"I will sound the drums and lead the men to war," he declared proudly. "Father said that we will leave in ten days."

"You must promise to stay safe, Zi Jian," I said gravely. "For your mother's sake, as well as mine."

Cao Zhi's spirits lifted as he beamed with confidence. "Please do not worry for me, Lady Zhen. I will come back victorious!"

* * *

"Father says I will be following him to Nanpi," Cao Pi said solemnly.

It was the first time since our wedding that we had to part. How could Cao Cao order his son to war, knowing that I was with child and I needed him by my side? What if he was injured or killed in battle? Fear gripped me - I did not want to lose my husband or my child to become an orphan.

I thought I had finally won my freedom; that Cao Cao had forgiven me but after my wedding, Cao Cao declared war on Yuan Tan. He was going north to fight and had ordered my husband go with him on this war campaign. It was the cruelest imaginable way to punish me when I was newly with child. He was determined to take Cao Pi away from me.

Later, I found out that my marriage to Cao Pi was a mere political ploy to frustrate his enemy, the Yuans. Cao Cao wanted to show them that he had power to control my fate – that Yuan Xi could do nothing about it. That was why he had capitulated so easily. He was able to craft this setback of losing me and turn it into his advantage. I was but a pawn in his game of power.

Cao Pi was in a quandary. He did not voice it but I could feel his desire for war – he had been talking about the campaign against the Yuans for weeks. Yuan Tan had been terrorizing the provinces. They were a constant threat and needed to be destroyed. Only then, would the Wei kingdom be stable. Despite my grief, I told him to go as there was nothing that he could do here for me. Men had no part in the birthing process.

"I shall ask Mother to visit you every day to make sure that you are all right and… and I shall write to you every day," Cao Pi promised. "I shall compose special songs and poems in your honor and when I come home victorious, you shall give me a son."

"Then, you should make preparations for the campaign," I said with a weak smile.

He nodded and gave me a quick hug before hurrying off with his army officers. I had heard that the north would be cold this time of the year and so I made him a wool cloak with exquisite embroidery of silver eagles.

As the time for the army to move northward, Cao Pi came to my room to bid me farewell. His face flushed with emotion and his mouth quivering when he saw the gift.

"You made this for me?"

I nodded with a smile. "It will keep you warm."

He gazed at my hands and noticed that my fingers were sore and bleeding from rushing to finish the cloak in time for his departure. "Look at your hands! You shouldn't torture yourself like this… My dearest wife!"

Cao Pi had tears in his eyes as he hugged me.

"I shall wear this all the time. It will make me feel close to you," he told me.

I took his hands and kissed him tenderly on the mouth. "I will pray for you. I am sure everything will go well for us."

"Before I leave, can I get you anything?" he asked clumsily, his befuddled look endearing.

I did not laugh at the thought of my husband running errands for me at this late hour.

"I have everything I need," I assured him. "And Zi Yan will care for me."

Cao Pi straightened up and looked to Zi Yan. "Serve her well. Please send news once the baby is here, day or night…"

Zi Yan bowed. "Yes, my lord."

Then he kissed me farewell tenderly and rode off to war. I watched him from the balcony as the soldiers closed the gates behind him and I was alone with Zi Yan again.

* * *

As the months passed, my robes could not conceal the curve of my growing belly any more. When we were apart, Cao Pi sent me letters every other day from his camp. Sometimes, they were just poems expressing how much he missed me. I would read and treasure every word. When he was in danger, I hardly slept. The campaign against the Yuans was going well –Yuan Tan's army was no match for Cao Cao's and was finally defeated. Cao Pi told me that Yuan Tan had been killed in battle.

I just hoped that Yuan Xi and Yuan Shang managed to escape to safety.

One night, I woke up to pain and a strange sensation as if my whole belly has turned over. The pain was so thorough, so unlike anything I had ever known that I let out a groan. I knew at once that the baby was coming but it was too soon. "Not yet! It can't be so soon," I gasped. I was only in my eighth month and had not carried the baby to full term. What could this mean?

I had been afraid that I would not know what was happening – this felt like something powerful and wonderful all at once. I cried out for help. The entire household burst into uproar as the midwives were summoned. A birthing room was hastily prepared and the servants used plenty of wood to boil hot water. It was a little more than nine hours, there was a rush, a wet slither and the midwife muttered. "Congratulations, Lady Zhen! It is a boy!"

Then I heard my baby's first feisty cry and smiled wanly. They cut the cord and passed him to me, wrapped in swaddling cloth, still bloody as his mouth was wide open and his eyes squeezed shut.

"My son," I whispered as I kissed him gently.

I wished that Cao Pi could be here at this moment, at my side, looking over my shoulder at this tiny miracle.

 _Zi Huan, our son is here._

Lady Bian came in soon after they took the baby away to be cleaned and fed. "Zhen Fu, the baby looks just like you. I am a happy grandmother. You must rest now. I shall write to Cao Pi and inform him of the good news," she said with a smile.

"Thank you, my lady mother."

Suddenly, a horrible pain struck me in my still bloated belly until I fell out of the bed onto my knees. The midwife panicked when she saw so much blood – it was not normal. "She is hemorrhaging!" she cried.

"Quick! Get the Hua Tuo here at once," Lady Bian ordered as she reached down to help me up. "Zhen Fu, your hands are so cold…"

I could not speak another word as I gasped for air, the pain shooting up my spine. My head felt like exploding as I heard voices all at once around me and my vision blurring. I was quickly losing consciousness.

 _Am I going to die?_ _This cannot be happening, not now! Not when my baby needs me! Zi Huan, where are you? If I die now, I won't see you again. I'm afraid I won't have the chance to say how much I love you…_

* * *

 **Author's Note** : _There is no indication in ROTK that Cao Pi and Cao Zhi went to Nanpi with Cao Cao to fight Yuan Tan so this is just my creative imagination running riot. I found Cao Pi's Yan Ge Xing poems really romantic and would like to think that he wrote it for Zhen Ji._

 _Thanks for your reviews and suggestions. As for the ongoing debate on whether this fic should move to DW, I have decided to stick to where I am now. It is not about getting more reviews for my fic, but to share my story with fellow writers and readers._

 _*Yuefu folk poems from Han Dynasty_


	7. Chapter 7

**Gathering Storms**

 _I was standing in the middle of field of formless mist, wondering if this was a place where dead people go to. There was no one around – it was quiet and eerily peaceful._

" _Is there anyone here?" I called out uncertainly. "Where am I?"_

 _The mists slowly cleared and a magnificent scenery appeared. I was standing on a high mountain with pretty rock formations and thick foliage.. Everything was so breathtakingly beautiful. Suddenly, a bridge appeared which led to a quaint little temple in the clouds. I hesitated, frightened that I might fall._

" _Do not be afraid, child," a soothing female voice said. "Come…"_

 _I began to float, as light as a feather towards the temple. Is this how a fairy or a goddess feels like? I wondered._

 _Landing gently at the doorstep of the temple, I pushed open the giant wooden doors and came face to face with a giant statue of a woman. She must be a goddess, I thought. Her face was not recognizable from any of the statues that filled the temples in Yecheng or Zhongshan. Who was she?_

" _It is not important who I am," the mysterious voice said again. "Do you know where you are?"_

" _No, my lady," I said with a bow. "Please tell me."_

" _You are in a unique place, between heaven and earth… A place to contemplate and think about what you want to do next…"_

" _So I am not dead?"_

" _No, child… You are not dead. Your physical form is sleeping…"_

" _Why am I here?" I asked._

" _You are a child of heaven, a special child," the voice told me. "Many years ago, your mother prayed for a child and the heavens heard her. So you were put in your mother's womb. She knew that you were different... special from the moment you were born… Your father and mother loved you very much."_

 _Tears came to my eyes as I remembered my parents. "Are they in heaven, my lady?"_

 _There was a pause, and the voice said, "They are at peace… The time has come for them to move on. But you, child… You need to make a decision."_

" _A decision?"_

" _You need to make a decision whether to return to heaven, where you belong or go back to being Zhen Fu…"_

 _What?! If I decide to return to heaven, it would mean that I will die… The truth hung heavily on my conscience._

" _It is your choice."_

" _My lady, I have just given birth to a son. He needs me. My husband needs me. I cannot leave them now," I said._

" _Your choice is a difficult one… The path that you choose will be filled with suffering and pain…"_

" _If I die now, then what will happen to them?"_

" _Life will go on as it always does…"_

" _But I will never feel a child's love or experience him growing up. I will not be there to hold him when he falls down or hurts himself, laugh at his jokes or see him smile… Please let me go back. I am willing to bear the suffering and pain, if I could have those few precious moments…"_

" _A courageous choice, my child. Then go and be at peace with the choice you made…"_

 _I bowed to the giant statue and ran back to the temple entrance. My feet felt light as I descended from the clouds, eager to hold my son again._

 _I turned back to gaze at the temple in the clouds as the sun rose. Heaven can wait…_

* * *

My eyelids fluttered as I tried to adjust to the light in the room. The memory of my encounter with the lady of the temple felt like a long dream. Her voice was ominous yet gentle resounded in my mind.

 _The path that you choose will be filled with suffering and pain…_

I took a shuddering breath as Zi Yan's face came into view.

"Zhen Fu, you are awake!"

She held my hands and shed tears of joy. "You were asleep for so long that we didn't know if you would ever wake up…"

"How long was I unconscious?"

"Six days to be exact," Zi Yan replied.

"My son?"

"The baby is fine… A nursemaid is taking care of him."

Then, a man's voice calmly said, "Zi Yan, please go and inform Master Cao Pi that his wife is awake…"

"Yes, Sir Hua Tuo," she replied and quickly left the room.

 _Hua Tuo_?

I didn't recognize that name. He was an elderly physician in his fifties, dressed in a simple grey robe. There was an air of wisdom and confidence in him that I didn't question when he took my hand and felt my pulse.

"You are still very weak, Lady Zhen," he said. "I have managed to stop the bleeding. It took a lot of effort to stabilize your condition."

He paused, unsure if he should continue his diagnosis.

"What is it, Sir Hua Tuo?" I asked.

"Please prepare yourself, Lady Zhen… I don't have all good news for you. Although I have succeeded in stopping the bleeding, your womb is extremely weak. I highly advise you not to have any more children until you have regained your strength. Another pregnancy could mean certain death for you and your unborn…"

The news knocked the breath out of me – I had remembered that Cao Pi had wanted to have many children with me and as a wife, I have failed him. How was Cao Pi taking this news? I could only nod silently as Hua Tuo advised me to take nutritious meals and herbal soups to strengthen my inner _chi_.

"My husband… You said that you have met him," I began. "Is he here?"

Hua Tuo nodded as Cao Pi came in.

"Zhen Ji!" he rushed over to my side as I wept with joy and sadness in his arms.

"Hua Tuo said you lost a lot of blood… I was afraid that you would die... I came back as fast as I could to be by your side."

"You are here at last. That's all that matters…"

"I will stay here and take care of you until you are well again," he promised.

Hua Tuo excused himself to allow us some time to talk. "Please be brief. Lady Zhen needs her rest," he said.

"Have you seen our son?" I asked.

Cao Pi's expression changed into a frown, which surprised me. I thought that he would be over the moon with the news. "Yes, I have seen him."

I became alarmed. "What is it, Zi Huan? Is something wrong with the baby?"

"No, he is fine," he replied, avoiding my gaze.

I was confused. "Then, why do you look so anxious?"

"Zhen Ji," he hesitated. "Perhaps, now is not a good time… You must rest and we will talk later."

He insisted that I should not worry and asked me to take my medication and lie down. I wondered what could have bothered him so. Perhaps, Hua Tuo's explanation of my delicate condition had devastated Cao Pi more than he could ever admit.

Later, I found out that Sir Hua Tuo was a famous physician and his prescription herbs worked wonders. Zi Yan told me that it was by luck that he happened to be in Ye City when Lady Bian summoned him. He traveled far and wide to attend to his sick patients. Within a few days, I was able to get up on my own and walk about, albeit slowly and I entered into a period of postpartum confinement. A special room had been prepared for this and I would be staying there for the next thirty days to recuperate.

* * *

Zi Yan came to sit with me one evening, my last evening in confinement, and she took the chair and sat close enough so that we cannot easily be overheard. "I have something to tell you," she whispered

I looked at her troubled face and knew at once that something had happened.

"Tell me."

She made a little moue of distaste. "I am sorry to bring you the rumors that are circling out there."

"What is it?" I asked in curiosity.

"It is Master Cao Pi… He has been drinking excessively and indulging in womanly pleasures in your absence. And there is this court dancer, she is popular and loves male company…"

"What of her?"

"She has been seen here a few times, entering my lord's chambers at night…"

I choked back a whimper and tried to look unperturbed by the news. Although, they were rumors, it still hurt and I was determined to find out the truth of the matter. Cao Pi did not waste his time finding another woman to warm his bed. "I shall deal with this tomorrow, when I come out of confinement, I decided. "This is ridiculous!"

There was a simple coming out ceremony the next morning, with flower infused water and prayers. Cao Pi was there to receive me as he stepped forward and hugged me, "Welcome back, Zhen Ji. I have missed you."

I reciprocated with a heartfelt kiss. "And I missed you, too…"

It was generally a happy reunion and I couldn't wait to return to my own quarters again. I gazed at my husband beside me and did not notice anything unusual. Either he was good at hiding his guilt or Zi Yan was wrong in her observations.

While preparing for my son's naming ceremony, I caught furtive glances among my ladies-in-waiting and there was a whispered buzz of conversation that ceased whenever I raised my head. Clearly, something had happened that they did not want me to know. I also noticed one my ladies was missing.

"Has anyone seen Mei?" I asked the girl nearest to me. I remembered Mei because she was the pretty girl who had come to me the moment she knew I was marrying Cao Pi and asked if she could be my lady-in-waiting.

She looked desperately around for help but all the other ladies in the room were suddenly taking an intense interest in their sewing, in their embroidery and writing.

"I don't know," the girl confessed.

"I think she is gone," another girl added and someone gasped and then silence.

"Gone? How can she have gone without my permission?"

The girl stepped back hastily as Zi Yan came in. I gazed steadily at my dearest friend and said, "It appears that Mei Liang has left and taken her things with her. How strange!"

All the ladies craned forward to hear how Zi Yan would explain the latest development.

"She was wrong to leave without informing you," was all Zi Yan said. The way she folded her hands in her lap and looked steadily calm warned me not to probe further. The others had no business in my affairs.

Trying to lighten the mood of the room, I turned to my ladies and asked, "So what have you been doing in my absence?"

At once they all looked sheepish. "We have been practicing our dances and songs," one girl volunteered. "Shall we sing it?"

I nodded and at once, the other women picked up their musical instruments and began to play in earnest, as if everyone was quick to divert the issue.

During my son's naming ceremony, all the Cao family members in Ye gathered at our residence. Cao Cao sent word from Pingyuan and decided that our son would be named Yuan Zhong. Cao Pi gave him the name "Rui", meaning "far-sighted". It was a good name for boys. As I sat watching the guests fawning over my son, I noticed that Cao Pi's behavior rather cold. He did not act like a proud father should. After the ceremony, Lady Bian stayed behind and spoke to me.

"Lady Zhen, you look well rested," she said. "I hope you like the gifts I sent over."

"My lady mother is most generous and kind. I will certainly make a few baby clothes with all the fabric that you sent."

She sat down with a sigh. "I had hoped that Mengde and Zi Jian could join us today. Alas, they are still at the battlefront. Such is the life of a woman. All my sons were born when Mengde was away serving the emperor."

"I consider myself lucky to have Zi Huan close by," I said.

"That is why I have asked him to keep you company this evening. I'm sure the both of you have a lot to talk about," Lady Bian suggested.

I stared at her.

 _Did she know something that I didn't? Definitely, there were many questions that I wanted Cao Pi to answer for…_

"Thank you, my lady mother," I said with respectful bow.

I waited till we were alone. The lights were dim and the curtains fluttered softly in the wind as we lay together side by side, enjoying the intimacy. There was a sense of normalcy yet something was off. I have waited patiently enough for Cao Pi to come clean with me. I knew that I had to confront him.

"Zi Huan, do you remember our wedding day?"

"Yes, of course!" came his ebullient reply.

"We used to be able to say anything to each other. So, tell me the truth. Were you with other women while I was indisposed?"

Cao Pi sat up and his swift sideways glance told me more than any words. Slowly, I got up from the bed and poured myself a cup of tea, keeping my voice steady.

"My lady-in-waiting, Mei…She was your lover wasn't she?"

His face was aghast. "Zhen Ji…"

Closing my eyes, I gave a sigh of irritation. "Just tell me…"

"Yes, yes, she was… I didn't mean to…"

"I know that you did not. I am sure you were sorely tempted."

A dreadful silence fell. Initially, I had thought that he would lie to me and I would scream and rant when I confronted his lies. There was no anger, only sadness and a taste of defeat. We had been married for hardly one year and a half and he has already strayed into another woman's arms. "Why did you do it? Is it because Hua Tuo told you that I am unable to give you more children?"

"No… It is not that," he said grimly as he got up and paced the floor. This time he was telling the truth.

"Then what is it? I also heard that you have been drinking excessively the past few weeks. Have you tired of me? Do you not love me anymore? Tell me!" I stood up and went to him.

"Zhen Ji, you know that I love you more than anything else in this world. It's… It's… about Rui," he whimpered.

My maternal instincts kicked up a notch. "I don't understand… What about Rui?"

"There were rumors… rumors that Rui is not mine…"

The shock was so great that I felt faint - my mind was reeling as I tried to catch my breath. Cao Pi caught me in time before I stumbled. He carried me in his arms and gently laid me down on the bed.

"Zhen Ji! I am so sorry," he apologized brokenly. "I know I should not listen to malicious lies but I couldn't ignore what they were saying – you were Yuan Xi's wife before and Rui was born too early, that I could not be the father… because Yuan Xi is still alive…That night when the intruder entered the palace, it was Yuan Xi, wasn't it? He tried to take you away and I saw the torn sleeve and your nightclothes… I dared not to think of the possibilities of what could have happened in your bedroom…I was prepared to overlook the transgression but when Rui was born…"

Then, I remembered the husband that I had lost and began to laugh scornfully as bitter tears came. It seemed that I could never rid myself of my past. All my love and devotion to Cao Pi felt like a huge farce and I did not know which the greater disappointment was; the rumors or Cao Pi's doubts of my fidelity. A little part of me died.

"If you had asked me about it…Nothing happened that night. The rumors are false," I said with a steely gaze. "I have never lied to you, Zi Huan. I don't have a reason to… I had a foot in the grave trying to bring our son, OUR SON into this world… I thought you would be happy or at least, appreciate my sacrifices… I thought that finally, our lives will be complete."

"It _is_ complete," Cao Pi insisted remorsefully. "I realize my own foolishness now and the pain I have caused you. Those women… they mean nothing to me. I swear!"  
He was careless with his words in an attempt to please me but they did not bring me any comfort.

"Zi Huan, this is a very serious allegation," I told him gravely. "Rui's status in the Cao family must never be questioned. These rumors are merely to dishonor me. If you allow people to dishonor me, there is no stopping the scandal and it will eventually threaten you…An insult to me would be an insult to you and the Cao family. Your father would never allow his men to talk about your mother who was a courtesan in a brothel, would he?"

Cao Pi's face turned white. He loved his mother and would never think of her in that way. I had to make sure to drive the nail home, however cruel it may seem to drag Lady Bian's reputation in the dirt.

"You are right, Zhen Ji," he said fervently. "Before the gods, we will never speak of this again nor allow others to speak of it again."

"I am faithful to you, Zi Huan and love only you," I responded half-heartedly.

That night, Cao Pi never left my side. The next morning, I realized that Cao Pi had risen early and had left the room. Thinking that he might be away attending to palace matters, I put on my robes and made my way to see my son. As I arrived at the nursery, I overheard voices coming from inside the room.

"Rui _Er_ , you have your mother's eyes and nose… Is there anything left for me? Your chin or your ears could be mine…maybe. The nursemaid said your features will change as you grow older. Then, you can look more like me!"

That was Cao Pi's voice as I peered into the nursery, careful not to reveal my presence yet. Cao Pi was holding our son in his arms and talking to him. Maybe, he needed someone to listen to his soliloquy. Rui seemed content to be asleep.

"Daddy made Mommy very angry last night… I am not sure if she is ever talking to me again. I made a terrible mistake and I don't know how to make it up to her. Rui _Er,_ if you could talk, maybe you can give me some suggestions?" Cao Pi sighed. "I'm sorry that I didn't come to see you every day but I promise that from now on, I will visit you once a day. Would you like that, Rui _Er_?"

As the scene unfolded before me, I felt my anger towards Cao Pi gradually melting away, touched by his heartfelt revelation. At least, now he was trying hard to be the father to Rui. Suddenly, Rui stirred from his nap and began to bawl loudly. Cao Pi was startled as he didn't know what to do and was calling for the nursemaid. Then, I decided to make my presence known.

"Zi Huan… Let me take the baby," I said, reaching for Rui.

Cao Pi was relieved to see me.

"Oh, Zhen Ji…of course… Here you go," he replied, quickly relinquishing the child to me.

"Rui is probably hungry… It is time for his feed," I told him.

I held Rui close and patted him as the nursemaid brought the milk. Cao Pi watched intently the whole time as I fed Rui with a little wooden vessel.

"What are you doing here so early in the morning?" I asked him.

Cao Pi was embarrassed as he shifted uneasily in his seat. "I just came to see my son, that's all…"

"It is most unusual… You do know that Rui can't talk yet, right?" I said knowingly.

"Oh, so you heard me talking to Rui…"

I nodded and smiled, turning my attention to Rui. Cao Pi reached out to caress Rui's cheek and wiped away the residual milk stains. A family bond was slowly growing between the three of us in that few precious moments. We were going to make this work.

Cao Pi never brought up the issue again and the rumors died down. I devoted my time to raising our son and running my household, gradually withdrawing my presence from parties and social events.

* * *

Two years later, Cao Cao finally defeated the Yuans in the Battle of Wolf Mountain. Yuan Xi and Yuan Shang were forced to flee further north to Liaodong where they were betrayed and executed. I was summoned to Cao Pi's study and he broke the news to me.

"Yuan Xi is dead."

I merely nodded and thanked him. Cao Pi was surprised that I took the news calmly.

"Are you not saddened?" he asked.

I candidly replied, "I have not thought about Yuan Xi for many years, Zi Huan. Now that you have brought it up, I can only comment that it was fate that he died at someone else's hand…"

Cao Pi looked relieved, as if a burden had been lifted from his chest. Did he think that I still missed my former spouse? Was he expecting me to breakdown in tears? Being married to Cao Pi, I came to realize that my husband had a suspicious nature and deep insecurities. Yuan Xi was dead and there was nothing I could do for him now. In order to keep the harmony in the family, I forced a smile and changed the subject. "Rui and I would like you to join us for dinner this evening. We haven't had a proper family dinner for some time…"

Cao Pi beamed happily. "Of course, I shall be there!"

As I watched father and son playing in the courtyard – Rui showing off his riding skills on his wooden rocking horse and a proud Cao Pi holding him, there was a sense of contentment. This was my family now and I would not allow any suspicions, rumors or fears to tear it apart.

I could not openly practice the funeral rites for Yuan Xi and so, when I went at the temple, I secretly said a prayer and burned paper offerings for the souls of Yuan Shang and Yuan Xi. Even though, Lady Liu ill-treated me, Yuan Xi and Yuan Shang had tried to make my life tolerable in the Yuan household. My debt of gratitude would be paid forward in my next life.

* * *

The warlord, Cao Cao returned to Ye City with triumphant rejoicing. His bitter enemy, the Yuans were finally vanquished. Cao Pi went out to greet his father at the city gates upon his return. There was a great banquet to celebrate his return and all his family were present. There, we were regaled by his war stories and the poems that he wrote.

"Lady Zhen," he said, suddenly turning his attention to me.

"My lord," I replied with a low bow.

"I hear that my grandson, Cao Rui is two years old now. Lady Bian talks about him all the time. I would like to visit him," he declared.

"As you wish, my lord," I replied.

"An excellent idea," Cao Pi added.

"Lady Bian will make the necessary arrangements," Cao Cao said with a nod.

Ever since I married Cao Pi, family gatherings had been awkward, which was why I seldom went to court. I would be present for all important festivities and was careful not to provoke Cao Cao, speaking only when asked to. Every so often, I would notice Cao Cao would look my way in quiet wistfulness. Our eyes would meet and he would blink and turn away quickly. If there was something to be said, he kept it to himself.

Cao Cao and Lady Bian came to our residence bearing many gifts for their grandson. Earlier, I had made sure that Rui was cleaned, fed and dressed in his best robe of finest silk. As the flowers in our courtyard were in full bloom, we decided to host a tea party there. Rui was just relishing his newfound freedom walking with his own little legs while making lots of noise. Lady Bian thought she heard Rui say "Mama" but we couldn't make out any coherent words yet. Cao Cao, however, showed no emotion as he held his squirming little grandson for the first time. While at the tea party, I noticed that he was gazing at Rui thoughtfully and could not help but wonder if he silently wished that Rui was his own son instead of his grandson.

 _What a foolish thought! Cao Cao had many children by his many wives and concubines. Why would Rui suddenly affect him so?_

"Zi Huan, I am disappointed that you still have not taken any concubines," Cao Cao admonished his son. "Children are a sign of a family's prosperity. Is there any reason why you are holding back?"

I pretended not to react to his words as he shot a glare at me and Cao Pi.

"Father, I have not given it much thought. Administrating the palace and surrounding areas have taken up most of my time," my husband said, deflecting the issue.

"It is an accepted custom for a man to take concubines," Lady Bian said serenely. "I am sure that Zhen Fu understands this…"

"Yes, my lady mother," I replied. "I will leave it up to Zi Huan to make the decision."

In my presence, Cao Cao had the audacity to ask Cao Pi to take concubines so that he could have more grandchildren. If this was his intention, I knew what part I must play. I had seen my own mother haunted by the pretty girls that my own father had brought back. A sensible woman would look the other way and tries to bear the hurt and humiliation when her husband chooses to take another woman to his bed. I remembered my mother's sage advice.

"It's no good," my mother told me once, when a wife creates a scene. "It only makes it worse. If a husband goes astray you will have to take him back into your life and into your bed, whatever he has done. If he forgets his duty to you, that is no reason for you to forget yours. However painful, you are always his wife and he is your husband."

"What if he wants another?" I asked in childlike curiosity.

"If he wants another he can have her or she can refuse him; that is between them. What must not change is you. Whatever he says, whatever he wants; you are still his wife…"

I had to be patient and learn to be like Lady Bian. Cao Cao, despite his tyrannical ways was still devoted to her after so many years. She ruled his harem, treating his concubines well and disciplining them appropriately when they acted improperly.

Sir Hua Tuo came to check on me whenever he was in town and also prepare medicinal herbs for my illness. And my question to him would always be the same – _Am I ready for more children?_

Hua Tuo would look down and shake his head. Rui was now two years old and I was not getting any younger. As much as I was distressed by it, I had to swallow my pride and allow Cao Pi to do as his father asked. The next generation had to be secured for a kingdom to prosper. I had thought that Cao Pi would bring up the subject of concubines with me but he did not. After a week of suspense and constant worry, I decided to face up to Cao Pi. It was quite late at night and he was still in his study. I knocked on the door and announced myself.

"Zhen Ji, it is good that you are here… Come and read this," Cao Pi said, handing over a paper manuscript to me.

"What is this?" I asked.

"A ghost story," he replied with a gleam in his eye.

I was impressed. "You wrote a ghost story?"

Cao Pi smiled. "It is called _Zong Dingbo earned fifteen hundred coins by selling a ghost_." *

"All right. I shall give it a read," I said. "But first, I wish to discuss something of importance… It is about time you considered taking concubines, Zi Huan. Hua Tuo has been monitoring my health and even he cannot predict when I will be well enough to have children. My health is not getting any better. I have considered this in great length and decided that it would not be fair to you. The Cao family should have more descendants…"

I began to cite the example of the mythical Yellow Emperor, who had 25 sons who, in turn created the people of the Central Plains.

Cao Pi seemed unconvinced. "Zhen Ji, are you sure about this? Did anyone force you into it?"

"No, Zi Huan. I was not forced to do anything… It is the right thing to do."

I knew that he was thinking about the scandal that he caused during my confinement. Because of this, he had to send Mei away knowing that I would be displeased. Cao Pi took my hands and said, "All right, Zhen Ji. I will take a concubine only because you asked me to. I want you to know that my heart belongs only to you…"

"I know."

The truth was I didn't… I didn't know how to share my husband with other women.

Nobles from far and near presented their marriageable daughters as concubines to Cao Pi. I chose to stay away from the selection process. Finally, he chose the Lady Xu as his concubine. She was a daughter of a mid-rank official of Cao Cao's court, known for her moral character and beauty. Lady Xu was presented to Cao Pi in a ceremony similar to a wedding, only with less fanfare. She knelt before us and paid her respects. As the principal wife, I spoke up. "Consort Xu, you are now part of this household. It is my wish that you will love and care for Zi Huan to the best of your abilities. We shall be sisters from now on… Your burdens will be my burdens… Your future children will be treated like my own children…"

Cao Pi watched me with unwavering respect as I uttered those words. My heart felt heavy but I put up a brave front.

Consort Xu bowed and said, "Thank you, Lady Zhen … I shall do my best to serve my lord, Cao Pi."

Then, Cao Pi stood and said to the servant nearby, "Please show Consort Xu to her new chambers…"

As Consort Xu was led away, I rose from my seat and began to leave the hall. My presence was no longer needed as the ceremony ended. Cao Pi would soon join Consort Xu in her chambers.

"Zhen Ji…" Cao Pi suddenly called out.

I paused and turned back to face my husband. He looked guilty and ashamed.

"Why do I feel like I have wronged you?" he asked ruefully.

"You did nothing wrong, Zi Huan… This is the way of the world," I responded with a sigh. I gave him a little smile and nodded, giving him silent permission to leave.

 _Don't say another word, my dear husband… Nothing will console me this day. Go and be with your concubine. This is my sorrow to bear._

That night, I sat alone in the dark, thinking about our wedding night – we were so happy and our future was so bright. Cao Pi must be out celebrating with his friends on this occasion. I should stay away, lest I be accused of being the jealous wife. Our marriage would soon become crowded as Cao Pi would take more wives and concubines, so unlike the pair of mandarin ducks sat on the shelf. There would always be just the two of them but not for us. It was all quiet on my side when suddenly, I heard loud slurred voices along the corridor. It was just Cao Pi's bunch of drunken friends.

"Master Cao Pi, you are going the wrong way!"

"Consort Xu's chambers are on the other side!"

"No… I know where I am… Don't stop me…"

"Master Cao Pi… Master Cao Pi…"

"My concubine's room is here…"

There was a loud crash and I was shocked to see Cao Pi stumble into my room unsteadily.

"Zi Huan!" I cried out as I rushed over and helped him into a chair. "What are you doing here?"

He was very drunk – his breath stank of wine and vomit. It was unacceptable as I admonished his friends. "Why do you allow him to drink so much? Don't you know that he will spend the night with Consort Xu?"

"We are sorry, my lady… but Master Co Pi has been in a bad mood the whole day," replied Cao Chen. "He kept drinking and won't even talk to us…"

Then, I felt Cao Pi's hand on my arm. He was peering at me strangely.

"Consort Xu?" he mumbled. "Why do you look like my Zhen Ji?"

"Zi Huan, you are mistaken. I _am_ Zhen Ji," I explained. "You came into the wrong room…"

"Really?"

Cao Pi seemed confused as he scratched his head and looked around the room. "But I was sure this is the correct way…Did I make a wrong turn?"

"Yes, you did… I shall ask your friends to take you to Consort Xu's place," I said but Cao Pi refused to move and threw a tantrum.

"I don't want to go!"

"But you have to," I protested. "You have to be at her place tonight…"

Suddenly, he grabbed my hand. "Zhen Ji… Zhen Ji… Will you forgive me?"

"Zi Huan! Please don't make this any harder for me," I pleaded, as tears began to flow. "You have to go!"

"I'm not leaving until I know you forgive me," he insisted as he unexpectedly knelt in front of me.

I dropped to my knees in front of my despondent husband. "Listen to me, Zi Huan… I know that you love and adore me, everyone knows it too…and they will think that the reason you're ignoring Consort Xu is because of me. I fear that I'll be ridiculed and be accused of abusing your favor towards me. After this night, we could still be together. I promise you…"

Cao Pi seemed to have sobered up and began to see matters clearly now. He nodded and stood up, helping me to my feet. "I will go as you asked…"

I gave my husband a hug and sent him away into another woman's arms.

* * *

Cao Cao did not rest on his laurels for long as he soon set his sights on eliminating Liu Bei and Sun Quan, rival warlords of the south. He soon set off with his troops to Jiangling in the winter of 208, leaving the defense of Ye to Cao Pi.

But his campaign was a disaster, Cao Cao's army was routed by the combined forces of Liu Bei and Sun Quan at Chibi. Cao Pi was disappointed that his father had failed to unite the Eastern Han provinces. He had invited Cao Cao's advisors to our residence to discuss the strategies adopted during the war. "We were ill prepared for a naval battle… But on land, the outcome could have been different," he concluded with a sigh. "There will be other opportunities."

"What will your father do?" I asked.

"Father will not organize another campaign so soon," Cao Pi replied. "And I doubt Liu Bei or Sun Quan is dumb enough to attack our stronghold…"

Upon his return from Jiangling, Cao Cao concentrated on consolidating his power in the north, quelling rebellions and was bestowed with the title Duke of Wei. He personally looked into the construction of his pet project, the Bronze Sparrow Terrace. When it was completed, Cao Cao invited a vast assembly to celebrate its inauguration with banquets. Cao Pi and I brought our young son to see the amazing Bronze Sparrow Tower which stood in the middle, flanked by the Jade Dragon and Golden Phoenix terraces. There were archery and riding competitions, music, dance and poetry recitations every day that lasted for one whole week. Both Cao Pi and Cao Zhi recited beautiful poems to commemorate the event. Although Cao Cao was pleased with the compositions, he liked Cao Zhi's poem best.

* * *

Cao Zhi came to see me often when he returned to Ye City. He and Cao Pi had reached some kind of truce and were treating each other cordially – at least, something good came out of the war. Zi Yan and I watched him teach Rui how to read in the garden. Rui's tutor, Sir Su had taken ill and was unable to fulfill his duty so Cao Zhi offered to tutor Rui instead. It was nice of him to make the effort so I agreed. Cao Zhi seemed to have grown up these few years.

Cao Zhi would be good father to his children, I mused. He looked up and smiled at me.

"Zhen _Jie_ , you seemed a little sad," he said after handing Rui over to Zi Yan. "Is something wrong?"

I was surprised by his keen observation. Anyway, it was an internal family matter and Cao Zhi should not be involved. I shook my head and denied it. "No, not at all…I'm just a little tired."

Zi Yan sighed and said nothing.

I spoke of cheerier matters. "Have you thought about having a wife and children?"

Cao Zhi gave a non-committal shrug. "I haven't thought about it."

"You are so loving and caring towards Rui… it is a sign that you are ready for a family of your own. Lady Bian told me that Lady Cui might be a good match for you."

"Lady Cui?" he mused. "Oh yes, I remember her now. She is a nice girl…"

 _If they gave him everything he wanted, perhaps he may be the one who chooses his bride,_ I thought.

"Shall we talk about something else?" Cao Zi appeared bored with the subject of his marital status.

"All right. How about we talk about your writing?"

His beam was the boisterous joy of a young boy in the presence of a beautiful older girl as he reached into his sleeve pocket and pulled out his latest work. As Cao Pi did not prohibit Cao Zhi from visiting us at our residence, he would come over as often as he could. We would spend time going through his writing and he would listen to my opinions. Sometimes, we would just talk while keeping a watchful eye over Rui. Cao Zhi was intelligent and perceptive in his writings. He had had a privileged literary education because of his father's influence and his friends were all renowned scholars and poets of this age. I felt honored that he would value my opinions.

One day, while I was reading one of Cao Zhi's scrolls, a piece of paper fell out and floated to the ground. Curious, I picked it up and read it -

 _She is light of carriage and attractive in appearance,_

 _she looks from a distance like the red sun carried up by the morning glow and,_

 _from nearby, like the lotus freshly borne out by the clear waters._

 _She is of medium stature, between plump and thin, slender of shoulders and waist, fair and clear of complexion._

 _Her tresses are coiffured like clouds over a pair of long, graceful brows._

 _She has white teeth inside a pair of crimson lips,_

 _With eyes limpid as autumn waters, her face carries a faint smile vaguely suggested by her dimples. Refined in bearing, she is gentle and tender._

 _Attired in a gorgeous costume and swaying skirt of silk gauze,_

 _she is crowned with a gold coronet set off by jade ornaments,_

 _radiating magnificence and fragrance._ _**_

The description of this woman struck me -she was indeed beautiful, I thought a little enviously. Cao Zhi must be in love with her. Could she be one of Lady Bian's courtiers or someone that he had met on his way to battle? As I was close to Cao Zhi, I decided to ask him about this lady.

Cao Zhi blushed deep crimson when he saw that I was holding the poem in my hands. "Where did you get that?"

"It fell out of one of your scrolls," I replied with a smile. "Who is this lady?"

He was evasive in his answers when I questioned him.

"If you really like this girl, I will put in a good word for you to Lady Bian. She will definitely intervene on your behalf and send inquiries to her family," I said.

Cao Zhi's smile faded as he muttered, "What if she is no longer available?"

"Zi Jian, you must not lose hope," I advised him. "Tell me who she is..."

He shook his head and still refused to divulge the lady's name. "I have a painting of her in my room. I painted it myself," he said cryptically. "I shall send it to you."

Baffled by his words, I did not pursue the matter.

A few days later, Zi Yan brought in a scroll and said it was from Cao Zhi. It was neatly tied with a silk red ribbon and wrapped in velvet. I laid it on the table and carefully unrolled the scroll. The painting was created with Chinese brush strokes in black ink, highlighting a beautiful woman's hair, face and body. Zi Yan gasped as I stared at the painting. My heart nearly stopped – I recognized my own face!

I stepped back hastily as the scroll unraveled itself and fell onto the floor in a soft clatter.

"It's you, Zhen Fu!" Zi Yan said with a horrified whisper. "The woman that Cao Zhi loves is you!"

 _No, it cannot be…_

I held on to Zi Yan as I sank down on the chair in shock. Everything started to fall into place, right from the first day Cao Zhi set his eyes upon me. His infatuation for me did not go away as I had thought. In fact, he had been harboring secret feelings for me all this while.

"I am such a stupid… stupid woman!" I lamented. "If I knew… I would not have encouraged it. What have I done?"

"Zhen Fu, please don't blame yourself. You could not have known what was in a man's heart!" Zi Yan replied. "What will you do now?"

First it was Cao Cao, then Cao Pi and now, Cao Zhi too?

"No, I have to speak with Zi Jian and clear up this confusion before it gets out of hand," I told myself.

Picking up a brush, I began to write a note to Cao Zhi, asking him to meet me at a place outside the city at an appointed time. I told Zi Yan to roll up the scroll and carefully wrap it back in its velvet cover. No one must ever see this, especially Cao Pi.

As the appointed time neared, I was in an emotional mess – Cao Pi had gone to the palace to see his father and Rui had been restless with fever. Rui finally fell asleep and I managed to change my clothes and disguised myself as a servant. My mind kept going back to the time I asked Cao Zhi about the mystery woman in his poem. He refused to tell me then and resorted to some lame excuse to meet me away from the city. What did he expect out of this? I pondered worriedly. Surely, he knew that I could never reciprocate those feelings.

With a hood over my head and the painting tucked under my arm, I made my way out through the back door. It started to rain as I made my way to the riverbank. Cao Zhi was already there waiting for me at the wooden gazebo. He was watching the boats bobbing up and down by the jetty. I removed my hood and called to him. "Zi Jian!"

Cao Zhi turned around and was pleasantly surprised that I was dressed in servant's clothes.

"You are here at last!" Cao Zhi broke into a wide grin and made his way to me but I raised my hand to stop him from coming any closer. He gushed, "I was worried that I would miss this meeting so I came here an hour early."

Taking out the scroll, I said, "Zi Jian, I came to return this to you."

Cao Zhi looked crestfallen when he saw the scroll and confessed, "I knew that nothing could ever come out of this and yet, I kept hoping that you would understand my feelings for you. I swear it is not a boyish infatuation. On your wedding day, I wished that I was the one standing next to you instead of Zi Huan. When you left the court with my brother, I had dreamed of you… I have written poems and love songs, secretly dedicating them to you. Even in battle, my promise to you kept me alive!"

I shook my head. "To want me is to wish your brother's death! How could you even consider it?" I asked, exasperatedly.

Cao Zhi took my hand in his. "Zhen Fu, I do not wish for my brother to die… I just want us to be together. Look! Look at the boats, all you have to do is say yes and I will take you away from here. We can take the boat to the ends of the earth. We will live freely and roam the world…"

 _And Cao Pi will hunt us down and kill us…_

I pulled my hand away. "This is insane. I don't want to leave Ye. My life is here with my husband and my son… You have to forget these feelings you have for me…"

Shaking his head, he swore, "I will never love or want another woman!"

"Cao Zi Jian, listen to yourself! You are throwing your life away pining for someone that does not feel the same way. I cannot return this love…I must not!"

"I know that!" he sighed. "That is why I couldn't tell you who my lover was... I spent my nights thinking of ways that we could have this love... The more I think of you, the more I hate my brother, Zi Huan. He has you yet he does not love you. He has other women…"

He lashed out at me but I had to remain steadfast.

"You do not understand my difficulties…"

"Then, tell me!"

Cao Zhi did not know about my illness and I did not want to tell him. Then, he turned away in anger. "You do not trust me."

"I'm so sorry, Zi Jian," I said, staring at his back and wishing there was a more subtle way to let him down. "I love Zi Huan...My feelings for you is that of a sister to a brother. I'm sorry if I misled you or caused you to think that I had feelings for you. You are still young. I hope that someday… someday, you will find a girl who will love you as you love her."

Cao Zhi was sobbing and heartbroken as I left the gazebo.

It was already close to evening when I returned home. Thankfully, no one had seen me leave or enter the residence. My room was dark – I was alone. I peeked into the adjacent room and found Rui sleeping peacefully. Gently pulling the blanket close to his chest, I bade him sweet dreams. Zi Yan must have gone back to her room as she had already finished her chores for the day. Lighting a solitary candle, I began to peel off my muddy, rain-soaked clothing and carefully put them away, out of sight. I put on my own night clothes and sat down on my bed, a little weary and sad. The episode with Cao Zhi had brought out a whole tangle of complications; my marriage and my relationships with the Caos. I could not even confide this to Lady Bian as she would not understand – I was on my own.

As I waited for the midnight hour, I wondered if my husband would return to my chambers or was he with his new concubines? Cao Pi had taken the Ladies Ren and Li as his concubines while Consort Xu had just given birth to a baby boy. He would be with her now and probably, had forgotten about me. Jealous emotions flared up in my chest and my eyes grew wet as I remembered Cao Zhi's harsh words,

" _Zi Huan does not love you. He has other women…"_

Although it was the norm of the time for men to have several wives and concubines, it did not make me immune to the pain of betrayal and despair. Still I hoped that Cao Pi would come to me, that our love would weather any storms that came our way. Cao Zhi did not understand that sacrifices had to be made, mostly on my part because I felt too much, loved too much. As the night grew longer, I was beside myself. Suddenly, I heard footsteps at my door.

 _Could it be?_

I dared not hope but at the same time, I wanted to see my beloved so much. It had to be him, it must be him – I could recognize his footsteps as I ran to the door and pulled them open. Tears rained down my cheeks as I rushed into his arms, laughing and crying at the same time. "Zi Huan!"

"My love, what is wrong? What happened to you?" He was stunned by the outpouring of tears and weeping. "Did something happen to Rui? Why are you crying?"

I wiped away my tears with my inner sleeve and tried to talk but my words came out in hiccups. "I… I thought you wouldn't come and… I felt so alone…"

"Silly girl! Come and sit down," he said as he led me gently to the table. Cao Pi poured me a cup of tea and offered it to me. "Here, drink this…You will feel much better."

I sipped the tea as my sobs quieted. "I feel much better now that you are here," I told him softly.

"It's late. We should go to bed and we will talk in the morning, all right?"

He led me to the bedroom and stripped down to his night clothes. Tenderly, he tucked the covers over our bodies. My head rested on his shoulder as I listened to his steady heartbeat. I was content. Nothing else mattered.

"I love you, Zhen Ji," he murmured.

"I love you too, Zi Huan…"

As I fell asleep in my husband's arms, I thought of Cao Zhi, solitary and all alone by the jetty.

* * *

 **Author's Note** :

 _*Cao Pi Zhiguai_

 _**_ _Taken from China Radio International at website._


	8. Chapter 8

**A Love Forsaken**

The next day, Cao Pi and I rose together and headed to the dining hall. His other wives and concubines were already seated when we arrived. They rose and bowed with deference.

"Be seated, everyone," Cao Pi said. "It is good that we can have a family gathering like this morning…"

"Zi Huan, I have specially picked your favorite dishes for this occasion," Consort Xu said as the servants brought out the food. "There are also unique desserts for everyone to try…"

"That is very thoughtful of you," I complimented her. Given that Consort Xu was a good cook, I had given her the task of managing the kitchens.

"Thank you, Zhen _Jie_ …"

Consort Ren decided to speak up. "I heard that last night, you were feeling unwell, Zhen _Jie_ …I hope it is nothing serious…"

The others suddenly chimed in. "Zhen _Jie_ , are you feeling all right?"

Flustered by the attention of the other women, I smiled a little and replied, "I am feeling much better today. Thank you for your concern."

I have learned to read Cao Pi's other wives and consorts and knew that they would run after him, try to charm him and seduce him and try to supplant me in his love and turn him against me if I showed the slightest weakness. I had to be on guard. Which one would be next? Did I have to watch them like a hawk? Although, some of his wives and consorts were actually devoted and loved me like a sister.

"Women are always rivals," Lady Bian told me once. "It is the way of the world."

And there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

"It is only a small matter, Consort Ren," Cao Pi said lightly. "There is no need for alarm…In fact, Zhen Ji will be in charge of my birthday celebration next month so she will need all the help she can get."

The ladies were excited about the upcoming birthday celebrations as they started a lively conversation about what they had planned for the event.

Suddenly, a servant came up and interrupted us. "My lord," he bowed. "Young Master Cao Zhi requests to see Lady Zhen. He is waiting at the courtyard."

"Cao Zhi? What is he doing here?" Cao Pi was curious.

"I have seen him here a few times but he always goes to see Zhen _Jie_ ," Consort Ren said with annoyance. "It is almost as if he doesn't acknowledge us at all!"

"Is that so?" Cao Pi leaned forward and turned to me.

"Zi Jian is here to tutor Rui," I replied smoothly. "Ever since, Sir Su has taken ill, Zi Jian has offered to teach reading and poetry to our son."

Turning to Consort Ren, I said, "Please forgive Cao Zhi for his rudeness if he did not greet you or acknowledge your presence… Sometimes, he gets distracted…"

Consort Ren made a face and huffed.

"I hear that Cao Zhi is very talented in poetry," Consort Li added. "Rui is lucky to have him as a tutor…"

"I think he is only taking advantage of this opportunity to come over to our residence," Consort Ren insinuated.

"Enough!" Cao Pi ordered. "We will not have more gossip here… There is no need for Zi Jian to come over to tutor Rui. Zhen Ji will find another suitable tutor to replace Sir Su."

I nodded to my husband and rose from my seat. "I shall inform Zi Jian of your decision."

"There is no need for that, Zhen Ji. The servant will inform Zi Jian," Cao Pi stopped me.

I did not argue further as Cao Pi appeared uncomfortable with the idea.

 _Perhaps, this was the best way to distance ourselves and prevent further complications._

* * *

I refused to entertain requests from Cao Zhi to visit me as I didn't want him to think that I had changed my mind about what I said earlier. A period of separation would be best. Eventually, Cao Zhi stopped and backed away.

Meanwhile, Cao Pi's birthday celebration was going as planned – it would be a masked themed ball. Consort Xu decided on an elaborate nine course dinner menu, Consort Xue made an elegant new robe for Cao Pi and the other ladies either helped to decorate the residence or perform musical acts. I planned a dance inspired by my dream of heaven, and it would be performed together with my ladies. Invitations were sent out to all of Cao Pi's friends in Ye City and nearby provinces.

Hua Tuo came to check on me and I extended the invitation to him as well.

"Lady Zhen, I am indeed honored by your generosity. However, I am just a commoner with no ties to nobility," he said with a bow.

"Hua Tuo, my husband always appreciates talents and you have contributed much to this family. How can we not invite you to this occasion?" I insisted.

"Thank you, Lady Zhen… I will definitely do my best," he replied.

"There is one more thing that I wish to ask… I want to conceive a child and I wish for your honest opinion," I stated, trying to keep my emotions in check. This issue has been on my mind a lot as I wanted to give Cao Pi more children.

He said nothing at first, sitting quietly and thought hard.

"Lady Zhen," he said grimly. "It is still possible to have another child but the risks will be great. Your son is almost ten years old and reaching adulthood. Why do you insist on this course of action?"

"Call me selfish if you must," I said. "My son, Rui is loved by everyone, including Zi Huan but he was born too soon, in uncertain times…"

My mind flew back to the day that Ye City was taken over by Cao Cao's forces. Yuan Xi was still alive then. Although Cao Pi loved me and treated me well, there would always be a part of him that could never be certain about my relationship with Yuan Xi.

"My husband does not say it but there is still this doubt in his mind that Rui can never ever be fully his… If I have a child now, at least, I hope I can erase that doubt forever."

"It seems like a lot of effort just to ease your husband's doubts. Are you sure you are willing to take the risk?"

I nodded resolutely. "You cannot understand a woman's feelings, Hua Tuo. This is what I have always wanted…"

"All right, Lady Zhen… I will help you but you must listen to my advice at all times," he said.

Smiling gratefully, I quickly agreed to all his conditions. I could finally have another baby!

* * *

On his birthday, Cao Pi rose early and together with his household, we visited Cao Cao and Lady Bian. We spent the entire morning at the palace while Lady Bian bestowed gifts to Cao Pi on his birthday. Cao Cao told us that he would be starting a campaign to conquer the western territories and would be taking Lady Bian with him. He then named Cao Pi as the General of the Gentlemen of the Household for All Purposes and once again, tasked him with defending Ye.

I noticed that Cao Pi was unusually quiet when we left the palace. As the others were busy preparing for the evening's banquet, I asked him, "Zi Huan, is something bothering you?"

He was reluctant to talk about it but after some gentle coaxing, he revealed his thoughts to me.

"It has been many years since I last joined Father's war campaign… Now, he seemed determined to keep me in Ye City," Cao Pi grumbled. "I'm stuck with tons of paperwork and reports when I could make my mark on the battlefield!"

"Nevertheless, it is a task that your father is confident that you would do well," I replied. "Perhaps, he is preparing you for the eventual task of ruling the kingdom."

Cao Pi suddenly looked up at me, wide-eyed. "Do you think so?"

I nodded. "The Wei kingdom is stable and stronger than it has ever been…This is a time for peace and for the people to prosper. You should work towards shoring the people's support by administering well…"

"You are right, Zhen Ji," he said as his frown disappeared. "I shall not disappoint Father!"

"I am however, worried about our lady mother. Your father is set on taking her with him," I said uncertainly. "The battlefield is a dangerous place for a woman."

"My father will never put her in the way of danger," Cao Pi said with confidence. "Anyway, I believe it was Mother's wish to go with him."

"I guess a change of surroundings would be good for her," I added.

As the evening drew near, guests started streaming into our residence dressed in colorful robes and masks. Cao Pi's mood vastly improved when he saw so many people at the banquet. They were treated to sumptuous food and various entertainment acts. Servants dressed in shades of crimson and silver mingled among the guests with trays of desserts and wine. Soon, it was time for my performance and the crowd moved to the side as I entered the hall with my ladies.

I wore a light blue dress with white trimmings, my hair tied up with crystal pins and combs and I carried my flute. My ladies wore blue dresses with long ribbons, signifying the clouds and wind in heaven. The musical ensemble began with the lively strings of the _yanqin, pipa_ and _erhu_. I moved like the light gentle breeze and played my flute, adding to the poignancy of my tale of a maiden rising to the heavens to meet the gods. Every gesture and nuance symbolized an emotion – anger, sadness, joy, curiosity and adoration. The dance soon came to an end as I bowed to my husband.

Cao Pi rose from his seat and came forward, bent down and raised me up. "Rise, Zhen Ji," he said gently. "That was a beautiful performance. You have definitely outdone yourself this time."

I lifted my head to look at him. Cao Pi was awed and mesmerized by my performance that his eyes shone his love for me. The crowd gave a thundering applause as I stood next to Cao Pi.

"Zhen Ji, I know you have always wanted to meet the famous poet and friend, Liu Zhen," he said with a grin. "He is here today."

Cao Pi brought me to meet these famous men under his father's employ. They all bowed and greeted me with utmost respect, except for Liu Zhen. He was staring at me, almost fearfully.

"What's the matter, Counselor Liu?" Cao Pi asked, seemingly offended on my behalf.

Liu Zhen sighed and apologized. "Lady Zhen, I am sorry if I have acted with discourtesy."

"Counselor Liu, you seemed worried," I observed. "Do you have anything that you wanted to say?"

"Forgive me, Lady Zhen… It is just rumors that were circulating in the city. Being an academician, I tend to over-think myself in certain situations," he said vaguely.

I was curious as to what was being said about me but decided to let it go. Instead, Cao Pi grew angry. "What do you mean by that? I do not take kindly to any gossip about my wife. Is that understood?"

"Yes, perfectly," Liu Zhen said with a low bow.

Cao Pi turned away and walked back to his seat.

"Zi Huan, today is your auspicious day. Please do not be angry," I said gently.

"Liu Zhen has been influenced by the ramblings of Kong Rong," he griped. "I'm glad that man is dead…He did nothing but criticize us."

I had heard that Counselor Kong Rong had compared me to the legendary empress, Da Ji who had brought down the Shang Dynasty. Some said that Da Ji was a malevolent fox spirit. It was rather unflattering but I did not take it to heart. I would prefer that my actions speak louder than words. No wonder Liu Zhen was afraid of me – he must have thought I was the incarnation of the fox spirit! Silly man!

Later, I excused myself to return to my chambers. It had been a rather tiring evening and I was looking forward to Cao Pi's visit. He promised that he would come to my chambers that night. As I was walking down the corridor, a hand appeared from the shadows and pulled me aside. I almost wanted to scream but I recognized the voice – it was Cao Zhi!

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" I asked worriedly.

Cao Zhi sighed and said, "I slipped in unnoticed when the servants were checking the guests. Zhen Fu, I have missed you so much! You won't respond to my letters and refuse to see me… I'm going out of my mind!"

"Zi Jian, I know that you are angry and sad but I have said what I needed to say by the river. There is nothing more to be said!"

"Is that how you are going to treat me from now on?" he asked sadly. "Shunned like a leper dog?!"

"I know I sound cruel but this is the best solution I can come up with," I replied helplessly. "I really wish we could be the way we used to be…as friends, good friends…"

Bitter tears streamed down his face. "You are a cruel woman, Zhen Fu… A beautiful face with a heart of stone!"

Suddenly, a man's voice called out, "Zi Jian! Come quickly…We must leave now!"

It turned out that it was Liu Zhen – he was acquainted with Cao Zhi and probably, he was the one that had brought him in. He stared at us for some time before grabbing Cao Zhi's arm and dragged him away. It was a good thing that Liu Zhen came in time.

"Zhen Ji," Cao Pi called out to me. "What are you doing here? Why are you not in your chambers?"

"I… I decided to take a walk," I stammered. "It is a beautiful night."

"Then, I should accompany you," he offered, taking my hand and leading me toward the courtyard garden. I smiled at my husband while subtly turning back to make sure that Cao Zhi was gone.

* * *

As soon as Cao Cao heard that Liu Zhen failed to bow to me, he had Liu Zhen arrested. I was dismayed by the news and was not sure if it was Cao Pi who brought it to his father's attention or it was one of the advisors present that day. Immediately, I asked Zi Yan to find out about Liu Zhen's case. When news that Cao Cao was going to have Liu Zhen executed reached me, I rushed to the palace to seek an audience with Cao Cao. The Council had just adjourned for the day and Cao Cao's advisors were surprised to see me. They quickly bowed and greeted me with reverence as they passed by, their eyes filled with apprehension and fear. I felt uneasy by the undue attention.

Secretary Yang Xiu noticed me and walked over. "Lady Zhen, I suppose you are here about Counselor Liu Zhen's case," he said gravely.

"Yes, you are correct," I replied.

"Chancellor Cao Cao is in a bad mood today. I doubt he will listen to any appeals for remission of death sentences," Yang Xiu added.

I was unfazed. "As long as Counselor Liu is still alive, I will try to save him."

Then, General Cao Xiu approached. "Lady Zhen, His Excellency will see you now."

I nodded and followed the general into the hall. Inside, Cao Cao was reading the reports that were piled on his table. I was suddenly struck by the sense of alienation, standing at the foot of the steps leading to Cao Cao's seat of power. There had never been a reason for me to seek an audience, yet here I was. My relationship with Cao Cao remained frosty, although he did dote on Rui. My son loved to join his grandfather on hunting trips and showing off his skills as an archer and huntsman. I was resigned to the fact that Cao Cao would never forgive me for what i had done. His resentment towards me has not diminish over the years.

 _A man's life is at stake_ , I told myself, putting aside my self-loathing and reservations about meeting Cao Cao alone. I knelt down and said, "Your Excellency, I have come to beg you to spare the life of Counselor Liu Zhen."

Cao Cao looked at me and sighed.

"Zhen Fu, you may rise and speak to me…"

I thanked him and rose to my feet.

"I have punished him for showing disrespect to you. Yet you are here to plead for his life!" Cao Cao said.

"It was just a misunderstanding, my lord. He had a little more wine than usual that's all. It was not done on purpose."

"Oh? That was not what I heard. Are you telling me that my advisors are liars?"

"My lord, I am in no way implying that your advisors have lied to you. It is just a matter of… perspective," I replied with a bow.

Instead of getting angry, Cao Cao seemed amused by my arguments. "A matter of perspective, you say? I expect the members of my court to be talented and also morally upright. I will not tolerate any unbecoming behaviors from members of my court, especially towards my family. A learned scholar such as Liu Zhen should know that. Otherwise, we are nothing but a bunch of unruly warlords!"

"Forgive my small mindedness, my lord…I was only thinking about what the people might say about me if Counselor Liu is executed," I said humbly. "Surely, a life is worth much more than offended pride!"

Cao Cao disregarded my pleas. "Other advisors have already made their appeals for Liu Zhen'slife and I have turned them down. I have decided on the case, I cannot take it back…"

His words shook me as I felt faint and reached for the banister on the side. Cao Cao noticed it and he immediately came down to help me. His strong arms caught my shoulders and held me up.

"Zhen Fu! Are you all right?"

His arrogant features softened to one of concern.

I looked up at him and said weakly, "Yes, my lord… It is just that the news is too hard to bear…"

"I will ask Cao Pi to come and escort you home," he said gently. I nodded gravely. There was nothing I could do to reverse the decision. Cao Cao appeared to hesitate a little.

"Zhen Fu…"

Suddenly, Cao Zhi came running into the hall. "Father! Father!"

"Master Cao Zhi, stop there!" General Cao Xiu raised his hand and blocked his way.

Cao Zhi stopped in his tracks when he saw us. He was surprised. "Father! Lady Zhen!"

Cao Cao's expression turned stern. "What do you want, Zi Jian?"

His son dropped to his knees and begged. "Father, I heard that you are going to execute Liu Zhen… He is my good friend and a man of many talents. Whatever he has done to offend you, please have mercy…"

Cao Cao stopped his son from talking further. "You don't have to continue begging me, Zi Jian… Zhen Fu has already asked for the same thing. And, I have decided to reduce his sentence to two years hard labor…"

Both Zi Jian and I were surprised. What had happened? I wondered. When did Cao Cao decide not to execute Liu Zhen?

"Thank you, Father," Cao Zhi said, bowing gratefully and stood up.

"Zi Jian, since you are here… You should escort Zhen Fu back home. She is not feeling well," Cao Cao said. Cao Zhi looked at me worriedly but did not question me.

"Yes, Father."

Before leaving, I turned to Cao Cao and thanked him again. He merely sent us away and returned to his work, his gentle side hidden behind a mask of indifference again.

Once we were outside, I turned to Cao Zhi and said, "You do not need to send me back. I can manage this with Zi Yan. You should go to the prison ministry and inform Liu Zhen that your father has spared his life. He would be happy to know the news."

"But Father said…"

"I am feeling much better now that I know Counselor Liu Zhen is not going to be executed. You should not worry," I interrupted quickly.

"Zhen Fu, I know you are trying to avoid me," Cao Zhi said quietly, looking crestfallen. "I probably deserved it."

I felt a tug in my heart and bit my lower lip. I shouldn't say more as it could complicate matters.

"Goodbye, Zi Jian," I muttered and walked away.

While on the way back, I sat in the carriage and pondered the events that had happened earlier in the day. What could have made Cao Cao have a sudden change of heart? After seeing me in my weakened state, he had shown genuine concern. There was a fleeting but tender moment between us. He appeared to want to say something to me but was interrupted by Cao Zhi. I may have read it wrong but did Cao Cao still have feelings for me?

The next day, I received five boxes of precious herbs and roots from Cao Cao. As a dutiful daughter-in-law, I wrote a letter to Cao Cao, thanking him for his generosity.

* * *

While Cao Cao was away on campaign, a small rebellion started in Yu and Ji provinces. Villages were pillaged, livestock stolen, border patrols were attacked and women ravaged as the rebels stirred up trouble. Cao Pi wanted to lead soldiers against them personally but was persuaded by his advisors that it was better to send a subordinate general to take care of the matter while he remained in Ye. Things would look bad if anything should happen to him. Cao Pi's general Jia Xin quickly subdued the rebels but was uncertain what to do with several thousand people who surrendered. They were mostly soldiers following the orders of their superiors. Most of Cao Pi's advisers cited Cao Cao's long-standing rules and urged him to execute them. I followed the news of the rebellion closely as Cao Pi stayed at the palace all day and night in discussion with his advisors and messengers rode back and forth from the provinces to deliver news. My heart sank at the thought of mass executions – it would be a horrific scene of blood covered streets, wails of the innocent crying out with vengeance and bitter tears.

"Zi Huan is not like his father," I said, worried about the outcome of the trials. "He must punish their leaders and allow the others to go home…Is there anyone who did not agree with the general consensus?"

"I heard that there was one… He is Counselor Cheng Yu," said Zi Yan. "He asked Master Cao Pi to exercise caution and not take any rash action."

Yes, I remembered him – a tall man with a long wispy beard. He had been Cao Cao's loyal advisor on his war campaigns for many years. His knowledge and experience would be invaluable to Cao Pi.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Too much blood has been spilled in the last ten years. "I hope Zi Huan will listen to reason…"

In the end, Cao Pi accepted Cheng Yu's advice and spared their lives. When Cao Cao returned from his victory at Tong Pass, he was very pleased with how Cao Pi handled the situation.

When Cao Pi came back, weary and tired, I took him to my chambers and surprised him with the news. "I am with child," I told him with a smile.

"Really?"

Cao Pi was both delighted and worried at the same time. "I thought that Hua Tuo said you could not have any more children…"

"Hua Tuo is taking great care of me," I assured him. "It was my wish to have this child. I promised Hua Tuo that I would listen to his advice during my pregnancy."

Pulling me into a hug, Cao Pi said happily, "This is the best news I have heard all day!"

A year had passed since Lady Bian left Ye City to join her husband on campaign and in her absence, I missed her greatly. Upon their return to Ye City, we had a joyous reunion and celebrated Cao Cao's bestowment of the title, Duke of Wei.

* * *

It would be many months later that I saw Cao Zhi again; it was on his wedding day. He finally agreed to marry Lady Cui at his mother's request. I was shocked by the change in him – he looked like a man heading to the gallows than a happy bridegroom. He drank heavily and ignored his bride the entire evening.

"Look at him! Making a fool of himself," grumbled Cao Pi as Lady Bian looked on in dismay. I could not help feeling that I was partly responsible for his awful behavior.

Cao Cao was furious and ordered his men to remove Cao Zhi from the banquet. His drunken antics has caused Cao Cao to lose face in front of his advisor, Cui Yan, the uncle and guardian to Lady Cui.

Later on, rumors surfaced that Cao Zhi began to party a lot, drink heavily and had begun to lose interest in court matters. As I offered up prayers in the temple for Cao Pi, Rui, Zi Yan, Cao Cao, Lady Bian and my family, I also said a prayer for Cao Zhi.

 _May the gods look kindly on Cao Zhi...May he find his way…_

I bowed and prostrated myself, asking the gods for their blessings. The people at the temple were used to seeing me there. Their glad faces and smiles were a sign that the gods had favored us. As I was helping the monks to distribute food to the poor at the temple, a lady approached me. "Lady Zhen?"

Looking up, I saw Lady Cui staring at me – her face pale and miserable.

"Lady Cui, this is a surprise… I didn't know you came to this temple too," I said with a cautious smile.

"I didn't come here to pray, Lady Zhen. I came here to see you," she said gravely.

"Of course, Lady Cui. We could take a walk behind the temple grounds and talk," I suggested.

She nodded her head and followed me. There was a small garden behind the temple that was kept by the nuns. It was quiet and surrounded by walls, ensuring our privacy.

"We can talk here. There is no one else here…"  
Lady Cui took a deep breath. "Zi Jian does not know I am here…"

"Is this about Zi Jian?"

"I know he loves you," she blurted out.

I was taken aback by her bluntness and said, "He had a crush on me, nothing more…"

"Please don't misunderstand me, Lady Zhen. I am not here to accuse you of stealing my husband. It is my fate that I could not hold my husband's mind and heart. I am but a simple girl – I lost my parents when I was a child and my uncle raised me the best he could. I guess I didn't study hard enough. My husband has nothing to say to me…He just hides himself in his study and gets drunk."

"I am sorry, Lady Cui…"

She shook her head sadly, as tears rolled down her pale cheeks. "I love Zi Jian, truly I do. Ever since I came to the palace with my uncle, I have fallen in love with him. But he rarely glances my way. I thought that my dreams had come true when Lady Bian asked my uncle for my hand in marriage for Zi Jian. I thought I could sway his heart, make him love me. He told me that he could not love another as his heart belonged to you…"

 _Why does Cao Zhi torture himself like this? Did he not see that he has caused so much unhappiness to the people that love him?_

"Our father-in-law has named Zi Jian, Earl of Pingyuan and have ordered him to administer the Linzi Province. Father-in-law did this to instill some sense of responsibility in him but Zi Jian is not taking his post seriously," Lady Cui said. "His friends have tried to advise him but he would not listen to them. I have a lesser chance of getting to him. That is why I decided to come to you."

"Lady Cui, I don't understand how I can be of help. I am probably the last person he wants to see," I told her honestly. I also did not want to stir up old memories that were best left forgotten.

"That is where you are wrong, Lady Zhen. He won't admit it but I know that he wants to see you. I am here to ask for your help. Zi Jian will listen to you."

Suddenly, Lady Cui fell to her knees and begged me.

"Lady Cui, please stand up! I cannot accept such honor," I said as I tried to help her to stand but she was adamant.

"If you are not willing to help me, I will kneel here until you do!"

"Lady Cui, why do you torment yourself like this?"

"We are but womenfolk. Our lives revolve around our family and children. My husband needs your help. I am willing to do anything for him!"

I was touched by her determination and love for Cao Zhi. If it were for Cao Pi, I would do the same.

"All right, I promise that I will help you, Lady Cui. I will come by your residence tomorrow afternoon," I told her and she gladly hugged me.

"Thank you so much, Lady Zhen…"

* * *

The next day, I went to Cao Zhi's residence. Lady Cui was already waiting for me as she welcomed me in. "Zi Jian is in his study," she said as we headed in that direction.

Tapping softly on the door, Lady Cui said, "Zi Jian, there is someone here to see you."

A voice inside shouted back incoherently, "No visitors! I don't want any visitors today."

Lady Cui pressed on. "Husband…"

I touched her arm and silently nodded for her to stop as I pushed open the doors. The first thing I saw were papers scattered all over the place, on the tables, chairs, floor and walls. It was though a tornado had torn through this place. "Zi Jian," I called out to the figure slumped on the chair.

Cao Zhi stirred, his eyes red-shot, hair disheveled and he had not shaved in days.

"Zhen Fu, is that you?" he whispered.

"Yes, it is me."

"Why are you here?"

"I came to talk to you," I replied, wading through the sea of papyrus scrolls. "Oh, Zi Jian… Why do you torture yourself like this?"

"This is the only way I can forget this pain in my heart," he told me.

I ignored that remark and turned to Lady Cui. "Let's get Zi Jian cleaned up. After that, we will have a talk."

We both helped Zi Jian back to his chambers and the servants brought a bowl of clean water. Lady Cui attended to her husband while I waited for them at the garden pavilion.

Cao Zhi and Lady Cui arrived together. Lady Cui excused herself to allow us to talk, her expression was one of concern. Cao Zhi looked presentable but his steps were a little shaky as he sat down. "Lady Zhen, I'm sorry that you had to see me like that… I was not expecting to see you," he apologized.

"I thought that you had finally gotten over your…," I hesitated, _love for me…"_ issues," I said.

"It is not that easy for me to forget…"

"Zi Jian, I still worry about you. It makes me sad to see you mired in hopelessness. I remember the days when you were full of ambition and vigor to serve your country. Your father is giving you this opportunity to prove it to him that you are still capable."

"My father only wants me out of his sight. That is why he is sending me away."

"Perhaps, the time away would be good for you," I pointed out. "Zi Jian, don't throw this golden chance away."

He then laughed and lamented, "Even you want me to go away…"

"I only wish all that is good for you. If you think I am wasting my time here then," I said in a disappointed tone. "Goodbye, Zi Jian…"

If he was still so stubborn, there was nothing I could do for him. I stood to take my leave.

Zi Jian reached out and grabbed my hand. "Zhen Fu, will you not stay?" he suddenly asked. "Please stay a little while longer… I have not seen you in a long time…I… I missed you."

"Zi Jian, please show me some respect and decorum! I am still your sister-in-law and I am expecting a child," I told him steadily. At that, Cao Zhi released my hand and sighed.

"I'm sorry…"

Sensing that I was making some headway with Cao Zhi, I sat down again with my hands firmly on my lap. "Zi Jian, I urge you to think about your future. Your father needs capable sons to help him run his kingdom- make lives better for the people who are suffering from the aftermath of conflicts… If you do nothing, you are wasting all your talents and gifts. Your poems and writings highlight the devastation of war and make others aware that it is not all for glory and power. You have seen it firsthand in the battlefield and yet, you choose to look away by hiding in your study and getting drunk. There are plenty of fools on the streets but you mustn't be one of them. This is the burden and responsibility of those who rule."

"I never wanted any titles or power…"

"You did not choose to be born as Cao Cao's son, but since heaven has ordained that it is so, it is to be expected from you."

"The heavens are unfair!"

"Yes, it is unfair… That is life and we make the most out of the challenges that come our way," I said, thinking back to the siege of Ye. "If I had lost hope, I would have committed suicide when your father invaded the city…I would not have met your brother and have Rui…"

He was stunned – his eyes grew wide with a sudden realization.

I told him. "Sometimes, fate has a strange way of turning things around…"

"You are right, Zhen Fu… I have been a foolish man. I allowed my pain overwhelm me and let myself spiral into despair."

I nodded with satisfaction. "I am glad that you finally see reason, Zi Jian. I know the person who wrote _The White Horse_ is still somewhere inside you. I wish you well and I have full confidence that you will succeed."

"My brother is indeed lucky to have you," he said somberly.

"I sincerely hope that he knows it too," I replied with a smile, thinking of the child growing in my belly.

Cao Cao had ordered Cao Zhi to escort his three sisters; Cao Jie, Cao Xian and Cao Hua to Luoyang to be the Emperor's consorts. Cao Zhi would be his representative in Luoyang until further notice. I thought that Cao Zhi was a good choice as he was close to his sisters and they would have nothing to worry if he was around. Cao Zhi sent me letters from Luoyang telling me about his duties and troubles. I would respond with some advice and encouragement in hopes that he would be comforted that we were thinking of him, especially his mother, Lady Bian. The news in the palace indicated that Cao Zhi was doing well in Luoyang and was favored by the emperor. Cao Cao was greatly pleased.

* * *

With Hua Tuo's vigilance and advice, my pregnancy progressed well and I was able to carry my child to full term. My daughter, Dong Xiang was born.

"She is very small," Rui commented as he looked into the cradle at his little sister.

I smiled at him affectionately. "You were a little baby once, Rui dear…"

Rui shrugged his shoulders and quickly excused himself so that he could go out to play with his friends. Meanwhile, Cao Pi was very happy - the gloom that surrounded Rui's birth had been forgotten as he proudly carried his baby daughter in his arms. With the knowledge that all was well, I entered into a period of confinement. I continued to write to Cao Zhi while Zi Yan would bring me news about the family. Consort Ren, jealous of my favored status with Cao Pi, created trouble in the household and her constant whining and complaints led Cao Pi to divorce her. She was sent home in disgrace.

Meanwhile, all was not well in the capital city of Luoyang. Cao Zhi's letters indicated that Emperor Xian had begun to reject Cao Cao's advice on various matters, a situation that angered Cao Cao. The emperor's position was rather tenuous at this point and Cao Zhi, being in the middle of this mess was torn between his loyalty to the Han emperor and his father.

The situation was made worse when Empress Fu's secret letter to her father was discovered, implicitly asking her father to start a new conspiracy against Cao Cao. In retaliation, Cao Cao sent his soldiers into the palace to put pressure on the emperor to force him to depose her.

Cao Zhi tried to diffuse the situation, hoping to prevent a fallout between his father and the emperor but with no success. He described the court scene vividly in his letter - Empress Fu had hid herself inside a secret room behind the walls of the palace, but was finally discovered and dragged out. As she was led away, she cried out to Emperor Xian to save her life, but the helpless emperor could only respond that he could not even save himself. She was eventually executed, along with her two sons and family. Cao Cao then forced Emperor Xian to instate his daughter Cao Jie, then an imperial consort, as the new empress.

Aren't we all Han subjects? Why did Father treat the emperor in his way, he lamented.

I had no answer for him.

Eventually, Cao Zhi was sent to Linzi Province and was told to administer it well.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : _To SilentNinja, thanks for your review but I was unable to reply you via PM. Not sure what is going on._


	9. Chapter 9

**A Family Torn Apart**

With the imperial matters settled, Cao Cao turned his attention to his arch enemy, Sun Quan. Two years earlier, Sun Quan had attempted to take control of Hefei Fort, but failed due to a sudden plague outbreak and the staunch resistance put up by Cao Cao's forces under General Zhang Liao. Since then, Cao Cao had been making preparations for a counter-attack on Sun Quan.

"You what?!"

The teacup that I was holding fell out of my hands and splashed tea on my dress. I was alarmed when Cao Pi told me that he intended to take us along with Lady Bian to Hefei. Cao Cao was planning to attack Sun Quan at Ruxu. And Cao Pi thought that it would be a good idea to expose Rui to the reality of war. Rui was after all ten years old and on the cusp of adulthood. Cao Pi himself had been on campaign with his father since he was six.

"I know that you are worried about the children's safety but Hefei Fort is impenetrable. Father is confident that we will win this war," declared Cao Pi. "And I agree with him. We are well prepared for an offensive. We will wipe out Sun Quan and his army once and for all."

 _Oh, my son! In my heart, he would always be my little baby Rui…_

I suddenly realized that Rui had all grown up – he had begun martial arts training since he was six and was skilled with the sword. His archery skills were also improving under Cao Pi's tutorship and had gone on hunting trips with his grandfather and father. If Sun Quan was defeated, it would be one less enemy for the Caos to worry about in the future. Reluctantly, I acknowledged that Rui should be given exposure to warfare and tactical strategies if he were to become a great general one day. He was born into a great family and would one day, lead Cao Cao's armies. It was a sobering thought.

On the eve of our departure, I felt a terrible pain in my abdomen that I almost fainted. Zi Yan quickly called Hua Tuo to attend to me.

"What is the matter with me?" I asked the good physician.

After checking my pulse, he said grimly, "Your heartbeat is very irregular and your lower abdomen is swollen. It is not a good sign."

"Am I going to die?"

He remained silent for a long while. This was serious - my fear rose steadily as I took a shaky breath. Zi Yan who was beside me burst into tears.

"Hua Tuo, you are not only my doctor but a good friend. Please tell me the truth," I begged.

"I have seen your symptoms before and all my patients have died due to this mysterious illness. I wish I could determine the cause, Lady Zhen, but I'm afraid that my skills as a physician is limited. For now, I can prepare a prescription that would help to reduce the swelling but as for whether you will live for one year or for another ten years, I cannot tell," he replied.

While he was being honest in his diagnosis, I knew that he was telling me subtly that I would not live to see my grandchildren. My days were numbered. I choked back a sob as tears rolled down my cheeks.

"There is no cure, is there?"

He shook his head sadly. "I will do my best to help you."

I nodded with a sigh. "Hua Tuo, I want you to promise me one thing…"

"What is it?"

"Promise me that you will not say a word to my family members about my illness," I said.

"They will want to know what is wrong with you," Hua Tuo stated.

"Yes, this is what I want… They should not be made to feel sad about my illness. I want my husband and my children to live out their lives without worry…This is mine to bear."

Hua Tuo understood and kept his word. I told Cao Pi that he should go with the children to Hefei without me.

"Are you sure about this?" said a doubtful Cao Pi. "I don't want to leave you alone…We could postpone the trip to a later time."

"No, you should go… all of you. Rui will be most disappointed if we cancelled at the last minute," I told him. "Besides, Zi Yan and Hua Tuo will take good care of me."

* * *

The next day, Cao Pi and our children departed for Hefei as I watched them from the top of the city walls. The Wei banners were flying high as the army marched out. Lady Bian promised me that she would take good care of Rui and Dong Xiang. Cao Cao had recalled Cao Zhi from Linzi and tasked him to defend Ye City in his absence. Cao Zhi had stood at the city gates to see them off after having a word with his father.

While they were away, I spent most of time alone in my room, reading or playing my flute and seldom mingled with Cao Pi's other wives and concubines. None of them suspected my illness as I was careful not to show it. At times, the pain would come in waves as I struggled to compose myself and not cry out. Only Zi Yan knew of the suffering that I had to endure and I trusted her not to say a word to the others.

One day, Hua Tuo presented the medication to me in a tiny red bottle – inside, there were ten round, black pills the size of peas.

He had been told of a miracle flower called, _Tian Shan Xue Lian_. It did not grow in this region but in the extreme cold weather in the north and can only be found at a high altitude. Apart from the difficulty in harvesting the flower, it was also a deadly poison. Through his research and knowledge of poisons, he was able to reduce the potency of the toxins from the flower by adding the bark of a special tree.

 _Poison?_

A chill ran down my spine as I shivered. Hua Tuo was asking me to take poison!

"I know that this is a lot to accept at this moment. A few of my patients have also tried this medicine and I am monitoring their progress," said the good doctor.

I was skeptical. "But surely, there must be some side effects to this poison?"

"It is a risk. The full side effects has yet to be recorded but there is at least one that I know of – you can never have any more children. In view that your condition is worsening, I recommend that you should try it… I will monitor your condition over the next few days."

Hua Tuo was right about my condition. There was no choice, either I took this risk and perhaps, live a few years longer or I could die now and never see my children again. The answer was clear.

"I will take it," I decided with a sigh. "I trust you, Hua Tuo. You would never put me in unnecessary danger."

The day I took the plunge and swallowed the pill, I did not expect the terrible pain that came with it. My body felt hot and cold at the same time, my heartbeat was racing and I was drenched in cold sweat. My insides felt twisted and I could not eat or sleep for several days. Hua Tuo and Zi Yan kept vigil over me.

"The pain will pass soon," Hua Tuo kept telling me but at that moment, I wished to die. It was by sheer will that I endured the suffering.

On the third day, I vomited blood – it was thick and black. And I passed out.

When I woke up, Hua Tuo had just finished administering acupuncture on me - it was to stabilize my condition. The pain was gone and I felt extremely hungry. Hua Tuo smiled – I had just gone to the depths of hell and back.

On one of my better days, I decided to go for a walk along the riverbank. It was the beginning of spring and trading ships would be able to ply the Yellow River when the snow thawed. Those ships would bring in goods from other provinces and new curios from faraway lands. As I walked along the pier, I came across Cao Zhi who happened to be there too.

"Zi Jian, it is a surprise to see you here," I said with a smile.

Cao Zhi smiled back. "Zhen Fu, it is good to see you. I heard that you were ill and did not join the campaign to Hefei. I'm sorry I haven't come to visit. Are you well?"

"You should not worry about me. I am feeling much better," I told a small lie. "Shall we walk together?"

"Of course."

We walked together, looking at the various goods being sold at along the riverbank. There were colorful silks, jade and precious metals peddled by merchants beside fresh seafood, fruits and vegetables. I asked Zi Yan to buy some food for the household – fresh food would be a refreshing choice after the winter's preserved staples. We stopped by a teahouse and sampled desserts and tea. There were a lot of people at the bustling port and no one recognized who we were. Cao Zhi was only accompanied by his personal guard and there were no soldiers around.

"How are Lady Cui and the children?" I asked Cao Zhi.

"They are well. Lady Cui was a little sad that we had to move back to Ye City. She seemed quite settled in our little house away from the city," he replied casually.

"It must be stressful for her."

Cao Zhi seemed oblivious of Lady Cui's reservations about moving back here. As a woman, I understood her perfectly – she would not want her husband to be anywhere near me.

Our casual afternoon tea was suddenly interrupted when an official hurried in and knelt in front of Cao Zhi. A fearful silence descended on the teahouse as customers stared in our direction.

"My lord, I have something urgent to report," the official said with a bow. "There was a ship that came in two days ago. Their sailors were ill and some even died before they could get any help. So I came to the docks this morning to check it out myself."

"What did you find out?" Cao Zhi questioned.

"The ship was carrying grain from the north and it was infested with rats. The captain has died together with ten of his men…"

"Where are their bodies now?"

"They are in the state morgue for further examination," the official reported.

 _There must be something on board that ship that caused the sailors to fall sick_ , I thought. Turning to Cao Zhi, I said, "Zi Jian, please be careful with this case. This strange illness could be contagious…"

He agreed and we quickly returned to the city.

As we reached the city, another official from the morgue ran up to the carriage, his face white with fear. "My lord! My lord! It is the plague… The men died from the plague!"

Zi Yan and I gasped in horror. Cao Zhi told us to go home and quarantine ourselves within the residence while he hurried into the palace to discuss plans to prevent the spread of the disease.

"Get me the officials from the Ministry of Health and Internal Security!" Cao Zhi ordered as he hurried back inside.

* * *

The entire city was under lock-down and curfews were imposed by the city guards. Unknown to many, the sick sailors had come in contact with their family members and thus, spread the disease. Information on the extent of the plague was virtually non-existent. Many succumbed to the deadly plague both from within the city and surrounding villages, including Cao Zhi's friends, Liu Zhen and Chen Lin. I ordered my household to boil water for consumption and washing while all meals must be cooked properly. The servants were prohibited from going out without my permission. All areas were to be kept clean. Luckily, Cao Pi and my children were away when this happened. I sent rations and medicines from my stores to Cao Zhi so he could distribute it to those in need. There was a deathly silence in the city during night time, as people feared that they would be infected by the disease. The dead were hastily cremated and the infected ship towed out to sea and burned.

"I wish I could have done something more," Cao Zhi wrote to me. "There were so many dead – men, women and children. How quickly the heavens inflict untold pain to this city… I could not save Liu Zhen and Chen Lin!"

"It is unfortunate that we lost many good men," I wrote back. "But we must never lose hope. Instead, we must be vigilant until the worst is over."

Even my loyal friend, Zi Yan fell ill. I was so worried that she may have contracted the deadly disease. "Zhen Fu, you must send me away so I do not infect the rest of the household," she pleaded in her fevered delirium.

"No, Zi Yan," I said adamantly. "I will take care of you. I will not let you die! You must fight this!"

"Zhen Fu!" she wept.

"I will not hear any more protests, you hear me? I will not let you die!"

I personally nursed her day and night, feeding her the medication and keeping her company. I would not even think to abandon her and I did not care if I got sick too. Hua Tuo came to see me when the curfew on the city was finally lifted.

"You were very brave to nurse Zi Yan yourself and risk being infected," Hua Tuo said.

"Zi Yan is my childhood friend and I will never leave her," I responded.

Hua Tuo seemed to hesitate a little. "Lady Zhen, do you mind if I take a sample of your blood?"

"Yes, of course."

I extended my hand to him. Hua Tuo took a pin and pricked my finger as a drop of blood fell into a bowl of water. He studied the bloodwork carefully and was thinking hard. Then, he looked up at me, amazement written all over his face.

"What's the matter, Hua Tuo?"

He carefully placed the bowl on the side table and went down on his knees. "Please forgive me, Lady Zhen… It is hard for me to explain…"

I bent down and asked Hua Tuo to rise and speak to me.

Hua Tuo bowed and said, "Lady Zhen, the pills I gave you have not only prevented your illness from flaring, but it has miraculously altered your blood composition and its potency may have overcome any infections that threatened your immune system!"

"What did you say?" I was surprised by the turn of events. "Are you saying that the poison saved my life?"

He nodded. "As long as you keep taking these pills, your illness will be suppressed…"

Indeed, every cloud has a silver lining…

* * *

When Cao Pi and Lady Zhen's children returned to Ye in late 217 after the campaign, Lady Bian's attendants were surprised to see that I was very cheerful. Of course, they did not know that I had very nearly died and Hua Tuo had saved me.

They asked, "Lady, you've not seen your children for about a year. We thought you would miss them and be worried about them, but yet you're so optimistic. Why is that so?"

I laughed and replied, "Why should I be worried when Rui and Dong Xiang are with Lady Bian?"

Upon his return, Cao Cao was granted the title of Vassal King of Wei by the Emperor and was given more territories. There was a great celebration in Ye City. At the banquet, Cao Cao praised Cao Zhi for his speedy handling of the plague.

"I have many capable sons," he declared. "One day, one of you will be my successor!"

Cao Zhi then personally thanked all his advisors, especially Secretary Yang Xiu and Generals Ding Yi and Ding I for their great contributions in governing the city. Everyone was in good spirits, except Cao Pi. He was brooding and did not say much at the banquet. Instead, he was drinking heavily and kept glaring at Cao Zhi. Lady Bian and I noticed it but kept silent.

I had to help Cao Pi back to our chambers that evening as he was already drunk. He kept mumbling incoherently to himself. "Cao Zi Jian! You should watch your back! I will not forget this humiliation!" he shouted.

"Zi Huan, you are drunk and talking nonsense," I said gently, as I took off his outer robe and helped him to bed.

"First, it was Cao Ang, then it was Cao Chong," he wept. "Why doesn't Father favor me? Why?! What is wrong with me? I did all he asked of me… I am his eldest son… I should be the rightful heir…"

I listened to his rantings quietly as I took off his shoes. "Do you know what my Father told me when Cao Chong died?" he suddenly asked me. It was many years ago, that one of Cao Cao's sons by the name of Cao Chong had died of illness. He was Lady Huan's son – a promising young scholar. Cao Cao was greatly saddened by his passing. The whole family mourned for a whole month and thereafter, every year during the Ching Ming Festival, Cao Cao would visit his son's tomb.

Calmly, I said, "No. What did he say to you?"

"I tried to console Father and instead, he turned to me and said, ' _Cao Chong's death is my misfortune, but it is to the advantage of you and your brothers_.'"

Then, he laughed bitterly.

"Don't worry, Zi Huan. You will feel better tomorrow," I comforted him and allowed him to weep till he fell asleep.

* * *

I had hoped that Cao Pi and Cao Zhi would have patched up their differences and worked together for the sake of the kingdom. Their relationship began to deteriorate when Cao Cao declared that he would be picking his successor. The rivalry between Cao Zhi and Cao Pi grew more intense. Cao Zhi hoped to overcome the natural advantage of his brother and convince his father that merit was more important than age. Each had his own group of supporters and close associates engaging the other side in clandestine rivalry. Cao Cao's court was divided. The elders of the court naturally sided with Cao Pi while the younger ones supported Cao Zhi.

As if there was not enough trouble in the family, I suddenly came to know of a certain woman by the name of Guo Nuwang. Cao Pi had placed her in my household as my lady-in-waiting. Little was known about Lady Guo, except that she was the daughter of a minor official. Lady Guo was young, pretty and seemed well-mannered. She was unusually chatty, pretending friendship and loyalty to me but I kept a respectful distance as I did not know her that well. She quickly became a favorite with Cao Pi's friends and advisors and even started accompanying him to parties and banquets. I was unsure of her ambiguous relationship with Cao Pi but I heard that it was Lady Guo who gave Cao Pi shrewd advice during the succession controversy that pitted Cao Pi against his brothers.

Initially, Cao Zhi's party appeared to be prevailing, and they were successful in accusing two officials supporting Cao Pi - Cui Yan and Mao Jie. Cao Cao had Cui Yan executed, while Mao Jie was deposed. Mao Jie later died a broken man. Cao Zhi was not happy that his friends went to such extent to undermine his brother and sent a letter apologizing to Cao Pi – I was there when Cao Pi swore he would avenge them. "Cao Zi Jian, if you want a fight, I shall crush you!"

He tore the letter to shreds and stormed out.

Cao Zhi was wrong to have allowed this to happen. My heart was torn with sadness, seeing the brothers turned enemies, all for the sake of the crown. I felt helpless – I could not intervene and be the peacemaker in this feud. My requests to Cao Pi to show leniency to his brother had been largely ignored.

The situation was tense when Cao Pi and I attended Cui Yan's memorial service. Cao Zhi and his wife were also there as Cui Yan was her family member. It was a solemn ceremony as we bowed and paid our last respects. Cao Pi was stone-faced when he saw his brother and ignored him.

"Lady Cui, please accept our condolences," said Cao Pi kindly as she wept. "Advisor Cui Yan was a good man."

"Please do not blame Zi Jian," Lady Cui said instead. "He did not mean to harm my uncle…"

Cao Pi stood back and glared angrily at Cao Zhi. "The deed is already done. No amount of excuses will bring him back! I promise you that I will get to the truth of this matter and there will be consequences…"

"Brother!" Cao Zhi tried to talk to Cao Pi but was roughly pushed aside. Then, he glanced at me but I had no words of sympathy for him as I followed my husband out of the hall. The next day, I confided my concern to Lady Bian.

"As long as Lord Cao does not pick his successor, I am afraid that Zi Huan and Zi Jian will end up killing each other," I told her sadly. "I don't know what to do. Perhaps if my lady Mother could advise them. They will listen to you."

Lady Bian sighed and said, "They are both my children and I raised them myself. When they were little, they always looked out for each other. I do not believe that Cao Pi would harm his own brother…"

I merely nodded. Lady Bian was in a nostalgic mood and refused to believe that her sons had grown up and were different now. She asked me not to worry and that this feud would soon be over. I sincerely hoped that she was right.

As I was leaving Lady Bian's chambers, I met Cao Zhi in the courtyard.

"Zi Jian," I said with a nod.

Cao Zhi looked a little lost and hopeful at the same time. "Zhen Fu, it is good to see you."

"Are you here to see your mother?"

"Yes… yes…" he said distractedly. "Zhen Fu, why have you stopped writing to me? I feel lost and uncertain about this path that I have taken…"

"Are you having doubts about the succession race?" I asked.

He nodded. "I never thought it would end up like this – now, my own brother won't speak with me. Even you have avoided me. I am alone and afraid all the time…At night, I dream about Cui Yan and he just stands there, never says a word and looks at me with sadness."

Cao Zhi was a gentle, loving soul who would never hurt anyone. He would be a compassionate and steady ruler one day but not in this tumultuous times. Cao Cao's heir would have to be strong, decisive and even cruel at times to secure the kingdom. Could Cao Zhi do that?

"The cost will be great, Zi Jian," I told him grimly. "I cannot pretend that I know what will happen but your father did not rise to power by being nice. He knew that sacrifices had to be made and that means, alienating friends and family."

Cao Zhi looked devastated. "All I wanted was to serve my country… I cannot step back and leave the fight, there are many who support me and would willingly give their lives for me – to see me succeed my father. Don't tell Father because even the Emperor supports me…"

 _The Emperor? Why would the Emperor be interested in the succession race? He had no power to influence the outcome but if he had someone whom he could control, someone like Zi Jian..._

I kept these thoughts to myself.

"If this is what you want then, you have to be strong and prepare for what is to come," I advised him. "Zi Huan will try to beat you and it will not be pleasant."

* * *

Cao Pi fostered his image among the people as a capable leader and created the sense that Cao Zhi was wasteful and lacking actual talent in governance. He shrewdly garnered the support of his father's advisors while side-lining Cao Zhi's friends. Lies, traps and intrigue led many good men to their untimely deaths, some of them were my old friends. These were the dark days when the Wei court no longer exercised freedom of speech and rule of law, descending into tyranny by both Cao Cao and Cao Pi. While Cao Zhi hesitated, Cao Pi did not think twice and incisively went in for the kill. The splendor that once was the golden era of Wei had dimmed. One by one, either Cao Zhi's supporters fell out of favor with Cao Cao or simply switched sides to Cao Pi.

One of Cao Zhi's closest friends was Secretary Yang Xiu, a bright and clever fellow whom I had had the privilege to meet at the palace. He was also Cao Cao's advisor and became involved in the fight between Cao Zhi and Cao Pi for succession. Yang Xiu's close links with Cao Zhi caused him misfortune during Cao Zhi's occasional drunken misbehavior such as the incident in Ye city, where Cao Zhi drunkenly rode through the gate reserved for only the emperor. The news spread like wildfire at that time - Cao Zhi was coursing through the streets in his carriage, and exited the city by the Sima Gate. Cao Cao was furious, and sentenced the driver to death. But the final blow was when Yang Xiu was discovered to have leaked the council's discussion agenda to Cao Zhi so that his friend could prepare beforehand and impress Cao Cao. Because of this, Cao Cao had the ever loyal Yang Xiu executed.

I had hoped that Cao Zhi would remain steady in his course but Cao Zhi sank further into his drunken habits and depression as he mourned the death of his closest friend. He was so drunk that he was unable to lead the army to aid a relative under siege in Fancheng. Later, his wife Lady Cui was seen wearing the elaborate robes of an imperial consort to the Crown Prince; this was something that was prohibited in the palace. Cao Cao was told of this transgression and he ordered Lady Cui to commit suicide. The news of their deaths greatly saddened me, they lost their lives because they believed in Cao Zhi. Lady Cui would do anything to please her husband and I could understand why she did it. I wanted to pay my last respects to Lady Cui and hoped that my husband would accompany me as well.

* * *

That evening, I waited for my husband to return. There was the sound of company approaching – Cao Pi was not alone. Someone laughed gaily as he strode in, his friends around him. I was again alert to some difference in my husband. He greeted me without enthusiasm, his eyes downcast as if caught unawares. My body stiffened at the sight of Lady Guo, Cao Pi's new favorite. They had been seen together openly. Seeing my grim expression, he knew that I would be upset and was trying to hide his cheerfulness.

"Zhen Ji, are you well now?" he asked in afterthought, referring to my recent illness. I had been ill for many weeks, confined to my chambers and in my absence, many things have changed and I did not like it. My residence was no longer filled with intellectuals but conspirators and apple-polishers, grasping for power.

"Yes, I am quite well now," I said evenly.

He looked relieved. "I thought you would be ill for months," he blurted out. "We had a good hunt this morning. I shot down 2 wild geese…"

"And how does my lord find time for amusement when there is a death in the family?" I asked coolly.

"What? Oh, you mean Cao Zhi's wife?'

He was far too loud, far too jovial. He was acting the part of a man with nothing to trouble his conscience. "It is something and nothing," he said heartily. "She insulted Father, disregarded his orders and she deserved the punishment."

"Not one word of comfort, not one thought of understanding for your brother! You do not think of him at all!" I raised my voice.

"Why are you angry with me? I did not order her death!"

I walked up to Cao Pi and stared at him, hoping to find some semblance of compassion but found none. His eyes were cold and distant.

"I find your lack of sympathy revolting… What has happened to my Zi Huan? What has happened to the man I married?"

"What do you mean by that? I am still here!" he said in a flush of temper.

His friends fell silent at once. They did not expect me to cross words with Cao Pi.

"She was your sister-in-law… and she is dead because of some stupid, cruel law," I snapped as I headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Cao Pi demanded.

"Away from here! I cannot bear being in the same room with you!"

"Stop… Damn you, woman! Come back here!"

I ignored his shouts and kept on walking, out of the gates of our residence. Zi Yan wanted to follow me but I told her to look after my children. "I need some time alone to think," I said.

 _How could Cao Pi be so cruel and unfeeling? He behaved like a total stranger and not the man I knew and fell in love with…_

I didn't know where I was going as I wandered aimlessly until I found myself in front of the temple. The nuns there quickly came out to greet me.

"Lady Zhen, we did not know you were coming to visit us. Is there anything we can do for you?"

Wiping my tears with my sleeve, I said, "Reverend Mother, do you mind if I spent a few days here? My mind is confused and my heart is aching…I can find no peace."

"You can stay here with us as long as you want, my lady."

The reverend mother showed me a simple room – there was a mat, a wool blanket to keep warm and a straw pillow. "I hope you are comfortable. This is best we can offer you."

"Thank you, Reverend Mother. This room is fine."

I doubt that I would be getting any sleep anyway. My thoughts wandered to Cao Pi.

 _What has happened to us? What did we do wrong? This wasn't where we intended to be. Could the quest for power change a person so drastically? As his wife, I supported him to achieve his ambitions in an open, honest way. Perhaps, I was naïve to believe the ways of the imperial court; that it took sabotage and subterfuge, gossips and schemes to rise to the top. And there was Lady Guo - Cao Pi has been spending more and more time with her._

I began to doubt my husband's true intentions and that he was a master of the game. Even I was fooled by him. The river of fate seems to be flowing against us. The more I keep swimming, fighting against the current, it draws me further and further away from my love- _have I already lost Zi Huan? Have I been living in denial all this while? Have I chosen the wrong brother?_

 _Stop it!_ I chided myself.

I should not entertain such thoughts. The room suddenly felt claustrophobic as I wandered out into the cold night. The small garden courtyard was quiet and calm, the nuns were probably sleeping. As I made my way to the wooden pergola, under the cool moonlight, I noticed there was someone there and gasped when I recognized the person - Cao Zhi!

He seemed to be engrossed in his thoughts as I approached. "Zi Jian."

Cao Zhi immediately turned around to face me. He looked sober and sad - it took Lady Cui's death to finally jolt him to his senses.

"Zhen Fu, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"I am staying here for a few days," I replied. "Just to think things over…"

He looked genuinely worried. "Did my brother aggrieve you?"

Unwilling to discuss my marital problems, I shook my head and changed the subject. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"My wife, before she died, she asked me to come here to make an offering for her soul," Cao Zhi said with a heavy heart. "The nuns were kind enough to let me stay for a while…"

"I am so sorry for your loss, Zi Jian."

He sighed. "It was my fault that she died. She did everything for me and I never appreciated or loved her. I should have done many things to make her happy but I didn't… Now, all I have left are regrets."

"Lady Cui would have wanted you to be happy," I said quietly.

"I doubt I ever will be happy in this life…My wife, my friends have left me… My brother is trying to destroy me… And here you are. Under normal circumstances, I would be overjoyed that you are here with me but there is only emptiness in my heart."

I was moved with pity for him. "I feel that I am partly to blame for your pain."

"Please don't say that, Zhen Fu. You are only trying to help me to be a better person," Cao Zhi said kindly.

I leaned my head wearily against the pillar. "I'm not all that you think I am. I am just good at hiding my faults. Do you ever wonder, how things would have been if nothing could touch you inside? How simple it would be to stride on, ignore what's within?"

"Our hearts are not made of wood or stone. The pain we feel tells us that we are alive. Yet sometimes, I wish there was a magical spell to release me from this hardship and pain," Cao Zhi mused.

"It would be nice, wouldn't it? All we have to do is snap our fingers and all the cares of this world would vanish!" I said with a smile. "What will you do now?"

Cao Zhi became silent. Suddenly, he asked, "Do you know about the little cicada?"

I shook my head.

"These creatures hatch from the soil and make their way up to the top of the trees, shun away from other creatures. They live on high branches, eat and drink with few desires in life. Yet, for such simple creatures, their songs bring in dangers. They become the feast for birds, and die under the clutches of a predators... For those trying to fly away, they become trapped in a spider's web, those trying to land on the ground, they are eaten by grass insects. Some try to escape and start to migrate to another place, hoping to find a safe and peaceful place. But there is no safe or peaceful place... Eventually, the cicadas will stop singing and the world will become silent again..." *

 _Was he talking about his own life?_ I wondered.

"My brothers and I used to hunt for cicadas when we were little. They would look for the biggest ones but I would look for the one with the most beautiful wings."

"Warm days will turn cold and like the circle of life, they will come back," I said. "Zi Jian, the journey ahead is still unknown. Your friends and supporters would not wish you to be into harm's way. What good would that do?"

Cao Zhi sighed. "It will be over soon. My father has convened his council to decide on his successor. He knows what had happened to Yuan Shao and Liu Biao. Changing the rules of succession would be disruptive and create untold misery on the common people. I have been fighting a losing battle since the beginning."

"Zi Jian, even if you don't become the Crown Prince of Wei, you could still offer your talents to help administer the kingdom," I suggested.

"Yes, I suppose I could stay by my father's side and be his counsel if he needs me," he said.

"Your father will definitely be happy if you do," I remarked. "After all is said and done, I can see that he still loves you very much."

"What about you, Zhen Fu? What are your plans? Surely, you don't plan on remaining here for the rest of your life?!"

I shook my head. "I'll be fine, Zi Jian. I will go home eventually," I said with a sigh.

 _I miss my children._

As it was getting late, I turned to leave. Cao Zhi said hesitantly, "Zhen Fu… I wish to know… just this once, if you have ever loved me… a little… please, before you leave… I just want to know…"

I grew uneasy knowing what he was about to ask. "Zi Jian…"

"I promise I will not ask you again. Zhen Fu, if we were to forget who we are… would you love me?"

I looked up at him, his glassy eyes shone a sincere and beautiful soul. Reaching up, I touched his tear-stained cheek. He enclosed my hand in his and drew it to his heart. Tears came to my own eyes. _He looked so broken. How could I tell him and not break his heart all over again?_

And so, I let my silence convey what I could not say as I lay my head on his sturdy shoulder. He held me in his arms and understood– there was no need for words. In my moment of weakness, I felt my control slip and I allowed myself to feel safe and loved, a feeling that I thought I would never feel again.

 _Yes, I could love you… perhaps, in another life…my sweet, gentle poet…_

We stood like that for a while, appreciating the comfort and silence. Then taking a deep breath, I pulled away from his embrace slowly.

"We must never speak of this ever again," I said and he nodded. As I walked away, I could feel his eyes on me but he made no attempt to follow.

 _Please, please don't come after me_ , I prayed. _I don't know if I can hold back the dam of emotions that threaten to overwhelm me…_

I quickly reached my room's door and closed it behind me, leaning against it for a long while. Then, I heard his footsteps outside my door as he stood on the other side and whispered my name. "Zhen Fu, I know you can hear me. I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart."

 _Don't open the door, Zhen Fu…Run, run…as far away as you can!_

He knew I was there and waited for me to respond. My heart was pounding so hard that I could hardly breathe. I balled my hands into fists and felt my fingernails dig into my palms.

 _I cannot… must not!_

Finally, he realized that I was not going to open the door and walked away as the night was filled with silence once more. I sank down on the floor and hugged my knees close to my chest. Tonight, my thoughts and actions were not Zhen Fu's but a lonely unnamed woman desperate for love. How did I end up like this? Alone at last, I could finally cry.

* * *

Early the next morning, I got up to say my prayers at the prayer hall but I could not concentrate on the mantras. I kept thinking about last night and the acute pain in my abdomen started again.

 _Will this illness ever go away?_

Suddenly, there was a loud commotion outside the temple. The nuns were flustered and Cao Zhi came running into the prayer hall. He saw me and gasped, "Zhen… Lady Zhen?"

"Lord Cao Zhi," I greeted him in a cool formal tone. He froze and stared at me.

"What is happening outside?" one of the nuns asked fearfully.

I turned around and saw Cao Pi storming in – he was frowning and was in a bad mood. When he saw me, his mood lightened as he pulled me into a hug. "Zhen Ji! I was so worried about you… I had my men looking for you everywhere the whole night!"

I went stiffly into his arms. Cao Pi noticed it and looked at me worriedly. "Zhen Ji, are you all right? You shouldn't have gone out alone. We must return at once!"

I hesitated. Then, Cao Zhi said, "Brother…"

Cao Pi turned towards his brother as his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Zi Jian, what are you doing here?"

Cao Zhi gazed nervously at his brother and then to me. "I… I came here to pray for my wife…"

"Oh, really?" he said coldly. "Had you been more serious about your career and family, maybe she would not be dead."

"Zi Huan!" I said, appalled by his cruel words but Cao Zhi was unfazed.

"You are right, brother. I will have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life," he said.

Ignoring his brother, Cao Pi then took my hand and said, "Zhen Ji, we should go now."

I could not pretend that things were going to be fine, not anymore and so, I wrenched my hand away. "I will not go with you… I will leave here when I am ready," I told my husband.

Cao Pi was shocked. "What did you say?! Why do you want to live here, in this rundown temple?"

 _This rundown temple has more peace than the den of wolves in our residence…_

"Please go home, Zi Huan. You have caused enough trouble here," I replied, the abdominal pain flared and I bit my lip to curb the discomfort.

"You dare!" Cao Pi shouted and raised his hand but I did not shy away. He would have to hit me in full view of the others but he did not. Instead, he said, "Oh, I get it now… Do you really think that it is mere coincidence that the both of you are here at the same time?"

I heard the sneer in his voice. "What are you talking about?"

"How dare you, Zhen Ji… Zi Jian…Sneaking around behind my back!" he roared angrily.

"That is not true!" Cao Zhi cried. "You don't understand…"

"Zhen Ji is my wife! And your sister-in –law!"

Cao Pi flew into a jealous rage as he reached for his soldier's sword and drew it. The people in the temple screamed and ran, creating chaos. "I will kill you, Zi Jian!"

 _No, no, no… this isn't happening!_

I deliberately threw myself in between the two brothers. "Stop it, Zi Huan! You twist and turn your words and accuse us of something that we did not do… I have been loyal and faithful to you…"

"You want to protect him!" Cao Pi exclaimed as he found the end of his sword aimed at my neck. "You would rather die for him!"

"No, I want to stop you for doing something that you will regret!" I said breathlessly. My head was spinning and the pain I felt became too unbearable. "Zi Huan…"

Before I could say another word, my vision turned black as I collapsed. The last thing I heard was Cao Pi and Cao Zhi calling me.

* * *

 _I dreamed I was a swallow, soaring above the clouds and looking at the vast city below, the mountains and the forests. The wind was in my face as it lifted me higher. The sun was low and red as night turned to dawn. Where am I going? I flew around waterfalls, canyons and valleys. The world was big and wide. Suddenly, I felt afraid of this vastness and I began to fall back down to earth._

My eyes opened as I took in my surroundings – the soft drapes and the silk bedsheets were not from the temple. I was home, in my own room and in my own bed. I let out a painful moan as my body felt like it had gone through hell. How did I end up here?

"Zhen Fu, it is me," said Zi Yan.

I smiled at her as she helped me up to a sitting position. "Zhen Fu, I was so worried that you would not wake after the dreadful fall."

"Fall?" I asked quizzically.

"Yes, Lord Cao Pi told me that you had fainted in the temple and he had brought you home so that the physician could attend to you," Zi Yan explained.

So, that was how I ended up here.

"Anyway, I have prepared the medicine for you," she said as she took out the little red medicine bottle and gave me a pill.

Then Cao Pi came in. "Zhen Ji, are you feeling better?"

I gazed uncertainly at my husband - the last time I saw him, he was in a mad rage. "Zi Huan, are you still angry with me?" I asked.

He came and sat down beside me. "I cannot be angry at you for that long. You were unconscious for almost two days."

 _Two days?!_

"I'm sorry, Zi Huan. I should have…"

Cao Pi placed a finger on my lips and said softly, "You don't have to explain anything, Zhen Ji. I believe you…You must get well, Zhen Ji. I have good news to tell you. Father has declared me as his successor! I will be Crown Prince of Wei and you will be my princess!"

Cao Pi looked genuinely pleased and triumphant.

"I am happy for you," I said with a weak smile.

"You will need a new set of clothes for the installation and ceremony," he decided. "There will be new clothes for Rui and Dong as well…"

He had it all planned from the decor to the banquet food as he explained it to me. There would be festivities over the next few weeks. I was not sure if I should ask him about Cao Zhi but I did anyway.

"Zi Huan, now that you have got what you wanted, please promise me that you will forget the enmity between you and your brother."

Cao Pi's smile turned into a scowl.

"Zi Jian is longer a threat to you. He has lost," I said simply.

He was silent for a while and then, he said quite hesitantly, "You are right. He is not a threat to me now. I promise you that no harm will come to him."

"I'm glad that you realize that," I said, somewhat relieved. Cao Pi came over to me.

"And you need to promise me something," he said with a grin. "That you will rest and recover soon…"

I nodded as he kissed my forehead. "I love you, Zhen Ji."

It was much later that I found out that Cao Zhi was not allowed to set foot in our residence and that he was not to see me again. It seemed that Cao Pi did not really trust his brother or me – his promise extracted by a sick woman's plea. And so, I asked Zi Yan to send word to Cao Zhi that I was fine and that I wished him a good life.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : _In history, Hua Tuo was reported to have died in the year 208 – he was executed by Cao Cao. I am taking the liberty of using the ROTK version where Hua Tuo was still alive and able to treat General Guan Yu in the Battle of Fancheng. There is a reason for this and will be revealed in the upcoming chapters._

 _* inspired from Ode to the Cicada, Cao Zhi._


	10. Chapter 10

**Letting Go**

As Crown Prince of Wei, Cao Pi was bestowed an edict and an official seal by his father. He would have his own court, advisors and the Eastern Pavilion as his headquarters in the palace.

In order to prevent further conflicts within the family, Cao Cao sent his other sons away to their own fiefdoms. Cao Cao himself decided to move against his enemy, Liu Bei and took Cao Zhi with him to Fancheng, leaving the administration of Ye to Cao Pi.

Perhaps, this would be good for Cao Zhi as Ye City held too many sorrows for him. He needed the space to heal after having lost so much in pursuit of the crown. As a parting gift, I sent him a cicada-shaped jade toggle, a reminder that as there was death, there was also rebirth, in hopes that he would find his footing again.

* * *

As Crown Prince, Cao Pi spent most of his time attending to state matters in the palace and seldom visited me. Although Cao Pi seemed to have forgiven my transgression at the temple, his cheerfulness towards me was only superficial, his kind words mostly a show. I caught his quick frown whenever I mentioned Cao Zhi – he suspected that his father still favored his brother. Then, I saw the careful composing of his face into one of disinterest.

In reality, he was furious that I dared to defy him. All my life, I took great care not to rouse his suspicious nature and avoid any disturbance within the family. But even an animal would bite back when pushed to a corner. The way he treated Cao Zhi was reprehensible and I found it hard to ignore anymore. If I did not do something, Cao Pi would soon kill his own brother. One was my husband and the other, my bosom friend. As long as I had life within me, I would never allow one to destroy the other.

As age and illness crept into my life, I began to understand why Lady Ban* compared herself to a discarded autumn fan. Her poems dealt with her sorrow at having been abandoned by the Emperor and losing his favor. My beauty was no longer the talk of Ye court nor my presence a boost for Cao Pi's reputation. It hurt that I should be used and discarded with such impunity. Perhaps, true love was not as I imagined it would be.

Cao Pi's new favorite, Lady Guo was the one that I knew I had to fear; the one who has an ambition that was greater than mine. Indeed, she was even greedier than Cao Pi. She did not desire Cao Pi as a man – I have seen his lovers come and go and have learned to read them like a book. This one desired not my husband but what he could offer – the crown of Wei and my place as principal wife. She has had much work to find her way into Cao Pi's bed but she was persistent and determined. I think I knew from the moment she had his ear, his secrets, and his confidence, that in time, she would wheedle her way into my life and threaten all that I held dear.

When Cao Pi was finally designated heir of Wei, she became his official concubine.

My inquiries into his affairs revealed that Lady Guo had monopolized all of Cao Pi's time, filling it with hunting trips, parties and banquets. To my surprise, his other wives and consorts were also felt neglected and they complained to me. I shared their feeling but there was not much that I could do.

"You must intercede for us Zhen _Jie_ ," they pleaded. "Zi Huan will listen to you."

"Zi Huan has not visited me for some time too," I admitted and they groaned.

"Before Lady Guo came, we lived harmoniously," Consort Li muttered. "Now, she is determined to control Zi Huan. My maid told me that she uses witchcraft to snare his mind and numb his heart to all but her…"

"That cannot be true!" I gasped and became worried. If she would dare to do this to Cao Pi, what about the rest of us?

"We should confront her and expose her tricks!" Lady Pan said angrily and the others agreed.

"Please remain calm, my dear sisters. We should not be rash," I urged. "An accusation like this is very serious and it may backfire if we are not careful."

Suddenly, they became silent. They recalled how Cao Pi angrily sent Consort Ren away in disgrace.

"If we do nothing, soon we will all be forgotten!" Consort Xu said unhappily.

"I need to think about this… We are all in the same situation and it needs to be resolved," I said, sending them away.

Lady Guo was no ordinary woman – she was sly and a skilled manipulator that even the most brilliant of Cao Cao's advisors, Yang Xiu could be vanquished. If Lady Guo had indeed used witchcraft, it would be hard to expose her deeds. Moreover, she was Cao Pi's favorite.

"Zhen Fu, what will you do?" Zi Yan asked.

"I must see Zi Huan," I decided.

My efforts to see him were in vain as I was thwarted by Lady Guo's younger brother who was appointed as an official in Cao Pi's court. I doubted that my letters even reached him and so I had to employ a different tactic. It came to me one day as I was watching my children play with lanterns by the pond. I remembered the years when Cao Pi and I used to attend the festival of Yuan Xiao and admire the pretty lanterns on display. As the light symbolized hope, it was my hope and that of Cao Pi's other wives and consorts that he had not forgotten us. So I sent out a message to all the wives and asked them to make colorful lanterns out of rice paper dipped in wax.

* * *

I found out that Lady Guo had arranged for Cao Pi to join her for an evening walk in the Jade Garden of the Bronze Sparrow Tower. There was a lily pond that would be perfect for my plan.

On that day, my illness suddenly flared and I felt dizzy. _Why now? I can't fall sick now…_ I cursed angrily.

"Has Hua Tuo sent the pills yet?" I asked Zi Yan worriedly.

She shook her head and replied, "Not yet… I heard that he was in Fancheng so there may be a slight delay."

I ordered Zi Yan to bring me one of Hua Tuo's pills and swallowed it quickly.

Using bedsheets, the servants transported hundreds of paper lanterns to the pond and began lighting them, releasing them by the pond's edge. A gentle breeze blew the water lanterns towards the middle of the pond turning the water into liquid, golden light. The children loved the activity and could hardly keep their voices down at the sight of the wonderful and surreal sea of little lanterns floating away. The spectacle was mesmerizing. Any witchcraft or spell could not withstand the beauty of light.

I sat down on the bedsheets with the other ladies and waited patiently with quiet hope that Cao Pi would notice it. Zi Yan prepared some cakes and tea and began serving us under the bright moon light. In the silence of the night, we heard their voices approaching.

"What is that?"

"I don't know… There is no one else here," Lady Guo's voice sounded nervous.

"I must take a look…"

"Zi Huan! Zi Huan! Wait, it could be a trap!"

My plan had worked and we saw Cao Pi had ignored her warning and was walking hurriedly towards us. The children squealed with delight when they saw their father.

"Father!"

Cao Pi was surprised as he bent down and hugged all his children. The other ladies also got up and gathered around Cao Pi with happy faces. The only person who was not smiling was Lady Guo – she was scowling darkly at us.

"Why are you all here? Who arranged this? Why wasn't I informed?" he asked in bewilderment.

All the ladies started talking at once, until Consort Li spoke up. "It was Lady Zhen's idea. We have not seen you in a while and she had this idea to surprise you."

I stood a little farther away and smiled at Cao Pi, meeting his gaze. He left the group and came towards me. "Zhen Ji, thank you," he said quietly, taking my hand in his.

"This evening is… is magical. I have not had a family reunion like this in a long time."

"Then, you must join us… The moon is bright and we have cakes and tea."

"Yes, I shall join in the party," he replied. His wives and children clapped with glee as they gathered around us. Lady Guo had no choice but to join in as well. I noticed her angry glare but decided to ignore it. The well-being of the family came first as I gazed at the children playing happily in the garden.

We chatted and enjoyed each other's company. Cao Pi asked his men to send more food and wine to the courtyard. I could not stay out for long so I asked to excuse myself.

"But the night is still young," Cao Pi protested. "We have some more wine and food…"

"I am not feeling well," I said, smiling apologetically. "Zi Yan will accompany me back while you can continue with the party."

Cao Pi grew worried. "Zhen Ji, take care of yourself. I shall come to your chambers later tonight," he said in a loud voice, making sure that all his other wives heard him. There was no complaint from them, only murmurs of approval. Color rose in my cheeks at the very public announcement.

"Then, I shall wait for you," I told him with a bow.

* * *

I changed into my night clothes and sat by the bed, thinking back to the evening's party. It was fortunate that the gods had blessed us with a clear night. May the heavens continue to bless us with more happy reunions like tonight, I prayed. My thoughts wandered back to the evening in the courtyard – the way Cao Pi gazed at me, I knew that there was still some spark left in our relationship. It's a woman's intuition, I smiled to myself.

Then, I heard Cao Pi's footsteps at the door.

"Zhen Ji," he said, pushing open the door.

I came out to meet him. "Zi Huan, let me take your robe," I offered, helping him to change into his nightclothes.

We settled in for the night, my head resting on his shoulder. "Today was particularly stressful, nothing seemed to be going the way I wanted until this evening. All my cares seemed to vanish when I was with all of you," he admitted, holding me close and sighed. "I was too engrossed in my work until I have forgotten about my family."

"If you wish, we could have more family gatherings like tonight," I said.

"Zhen Ji, only you know what calms my heart…"

"We have been married for over ten years, Zi Huan. I would like to think that I know you better than anyone else," I chuckled.

"Has it been that long?"

I murmured, "Yes, dear."

Then, Cao Pi turned and gazed into my eyes. "Tell me, do you love Zi Jian?"

Shocked, I sat up abruptly and said, "I have not wronged you in any way! How could you accuse me of such a thing?"

Cao Pi sat up and held my hands. "Zhen Ji, I did not accuse you of anything!" he insisted. "I know that Zi Jian loves you more than a brother loves a sister… I am not blind to what is going on. I… I just need to know if you feel the same way…"

"Will it change the way you think and love me? Don't you trust me when I say that nothing happened between us?" I asked sadly.

I had evaded his question and he knew it. "You have feelings for Zi Jian…"

Cao Pi was hurt and I did not think that he would still feel so passionately about me. Looking at my husband now, I realized that he had already made up his mind about Cao Zhi and me. All my protestations would not sway him.

"I am only a woman who wants to be loved, desired and cherished. Even if I have feelings for Zi Jian, I will never act on them. Love is not only about feelings and emotions but about commitment, trust and family. I made that decision to love you when I married you, Zi Huan. My desires do not matter because our family is my first and only priority…"

I tried to turn away but Cao Pi stopped me by pulling me into his arms.

"Please don't leave me, Zhen Ji," he pleaded brokenly. "I am not a good husband to you… I have let you down. Please give me a chance to make it up to you…I don't want to lose you…"

I held on to my husband and told him resolutely, "Zi Huan, I will not leave you…"

 _I love you, I still do…_

Cao Pi brushed away the hair from my face and kissed me passionately on my lips. I was taken aback by the emotions that welled up in my heart and found myself responding to his touch. We fell back unto the sheets and made love.

Before sunrise the next morning, he was gone – a warm imprint of his body next to me as I sighed. I wished I could be there for him as a dutiful wife should – be the strength that he needed to govern the people. I was afraid that my health would not last for very much longer. Already, I could feel my body weakening but I did not tell Cao Pi that… I just couldn't.

* * *

Queen Bian's birthday was in a few days and she had sent out invitations to attend a tea party at her residence. She wanted to see all her grandchildren. Rui and Dong were excited to visit their grandmother – Rui wrote a short poem while Dong wanted to dedicate a song with her flute. As we were preparing to leave for Changle palace, Lady Guo suddenly appeared.

"Isn't this a coincidence?" said Lady Guo, smiling sweetly. "I am also going to see Queen Bian…"

I was surprised that she had received an invitation from Queen Bian too.

"Oh? In that case, we can all travel together," I said, while helping Rui and Dong into the carriage.

"Thank you, Zhen _Jie_ ," she said, fussing over the numerous gift boxes that had to be loaded onto the carriage. "Be careful with the boxes!" she shrieked at the servants. "They are for Queen Bian…"

While in the carriage, Lady Guo attempted light conversation with the children, asking them about their studies and friends. At times, Rui just rolled his eyes at her constant chatter. Personally, I found her actions a little awkward and forced but I did not make an issue about it.

Upon reaching the palace, we were met by the head of the palace guards, Commander Chen Yi. He looked unusually nervous that day – his shifty eyes and constant wringing of hands alerted me that something was wrong.

"Commander Chen, is everything all right?" I asked him calmly.

He nearly jumped with fright. "Yes… yes… All is well, Lady Zhen."

"And your family? I hear that your eldest son is sitting for the imperial examinations this year," I attempted to make conversation. He then stared at me as if in shock and then, looked down hastily.

"Oh, yes he is… Yes, he is," he replied. "Queen Bian is waiting for you in the courtyard…"

"Send my regards to your wife, Lady Shu. I haven't seen her in a while," I said.

"Thank you, Lady Zhen. I will convey your message to her."

He bowed to us and Lady Guo as we headed to the courtyard where a large tent was set up. Queen Bian had invited various street vendors into the palace to showcase their wares – pottery, silks, jade items and art were on display. The children were attracted to the colorful kites, puppets and spinning tops. Queen Bian was chatting with her ladies and Cao Cao's other wives and concubines when we arrived. She was pleasantly surprised to see Lady Guo and was gracious enough to receive her. A variety of dishes were prepared as we sat under the tent and joined in the feast.

As the afternoon hours passed, I began to realize that the servants were all missing. Everyone was so busy chatting and laughing that they failed to notice it. It was strange. What was going on?

I was about to say something to Queen Bian when suddenly, one of her maids came running in, crying with fright. "Run! Run!" she screamed hysterically.

"Stop!"

An arrow struck the servant through the chest and she fell dead in front of us.

We were suddenly surrounded by palace guards holding swords and crossbows. The women and children were alarmed and began to scream. Some even fainted.

"They are going to kill us!" Lady Guo shouted in fear.

"Quiet!" Queen Bian ordered as she stood up and demanded. "What is the meaning of this? You dare to stage a revolt against my husband! Where is Commander Chen?"

Chen Yi then stood forward with his head bowed. "I am here!"

Queen Bian grew silent as she sat down, shocked and dismayed. "Chen Yi, you have been my loyal guard for many years. Why now? How have we mistreated you?" she said calmly.

"Queen Bian, do not blame us for revolting against Cao Cao. We are loyal subjects of Emperor Xian. For many years, we have seen how Cao Cao treated the Son of Heaven and can no longer tolerate this manipulation!"

"What do you plan to do? Take us all as hostages?" Queen Bian stated. "My husband does not negotiate with rebels…"

Chen Yi appeared to stumble a little. He seemed at a loss as to what to do and then, told his subordinate, "Tell Wei Feng that we have them…"

"Wei Feng? Is he the mastermind of this nefarious plot?" I spoke up as the soldier left. I suspected that Chen Yi could not have done this all by himself.

"My father will kill all of you!" said Rui angrily.

I held my son back and told him to be quiet. This was not the time to infuriate the enemy.

"Chen Yi, there is still time to reconsider," I said, taking a bold step forward. "Release us and I will speak to Cao Pi on your behalf. He will spare your lives and your families…"

Chen Yi snapped, "I am prepared for the consequences and my family is with me…"

"What has Wei Feng promised you that you are willing to sacrifice your entire family?" I argued. "Please reconsider before it is too late!"

He seemed to waver from his decision as doubts began to form in his mind. "Stop talking, woman and sit down!"

His loud threat frightened me and so, I went back to join the group of sobbing women. The longer we waited, the chances of a successful revolt would diminish as news would reach Cao Pi that we were in danger. The entire Cao army would descend on the palace. Chen Yi knew it too as he paced anxiously, while waiting for Wei Feng to show up.

"Commander Chen! Cao Cao's army is outside the palace," reported one of his guards. "What do we do?"

"Zi Huan has come to save us," Lady Guo informed the others happily.

Queen Bian sighed with relief but I was not certain that we were completely out of danger. The guards could still slaughter all of us before Cao Pi could storm the palace.

Chen Yi's face turned white as he stammered, "H.. How, how many soldiers are out there?"

"At least a thousand or even more…"

Grossly outnumbered, Chen Yi became frightened and lost the will to fight.

"Open the gates, Chen Yi… It is over," I said gravely. "You cannot fight your way out of this. You can still prevent the loss of innocent lives."

"My… my family," he suddenly muttered. "What will happen to them?"

"If you confess everything that you know to Cao Pi. I will guarantee that they will not be harmed," I told him.

Reluctantly, he nodded and told the guard to open the gates. Cao Pi stormed into the courtyard, dressed in full armor and holding a sword. His soldiers surrounded the rebel guards who quietly laid down their weapons and surrendered. The first thing he did was to run towards me and pulled me into a hug, "Zhen Ji, are you all right?"

Suddenly, my thoughts flew back to the time Cao Pi had attacked the Yuan residence during the siege of Ye but instead, this time, he came to rescue us. I was stunned for a while as I nodded gratefully.

Then he turned to Queen Bian. "Mother?"

"I am all right, son…"

"I am all right too, Zi Huan," Lady Guo added with a tiny voice.

Cao Pi merely nodded and ignored her outstretched hands while making sure everyone else was unharmed. Lady Guo's smile turned into an ugly grimace at being passed over.

Later, Chen Yi knelt down in front of Cao Pi and confessed everything – their plot to take us hostage while Cao Cao was not in Ye and barter us in exchange for Cao Cao's surrender. They had planned to join forces with Liu Bei. A few notable people were implicated, namely Wei Feng, Liu and Wang Can's sons. Cao Pi ordered his soldiers to arrest them.

"Kill them! Kill them all!" Lady Guo shouted vengefully. The others started crying out for blood.

"No," I cautioned Cao Pi. "You must investigate this case thoroughly and determine their guilt before taking any action. The people have a right to know the truth."

Cao Pi agreed and placed all the rebels under detention while awaiting an investigation. He wrote a detailed report to Cao Cao. At his father's orders, Cao Pi executed Chen Yi, Wei Feng along with more than one thousand of their supporters. The roads of Ye turned crimson with the blood of the rebels and their families. When it was time for Chen Yi's family to be sentenced, I begged Cao Pi to show mercy. After all, Chen Yi had confessed in exchange for his families' lives.

Cao Pi flew into a rage. "Why do you ask me to spare their lives? Chen Yi could have killed you and everyone in that courtyard! Did you realize how scared I was? I could have lost you, Rui and Dong…I hate that he could even think of hurting my family. For that, his family must die!"

"But I promised Chen Yi," I said sadly.

"I know that you only did what you could to ensure that our family was not harmed," Cao Pi reiterated as he took my hand in his. "Even if I let them go, how will they ever be able to hold their heads up in society and not be branded as traitors? Sometimes, death is the better solution…"

"But Zi Huan…"

He held up his hand to stop me. "Enough, I will not hear another word. You did all you could to help them. Let their deaths be on my conscience," he said and asked me to go home.

The next morning, Chen Yi's entire family was executed. I broke down and wept for Lady Shu and her scholar son, whose lives were cruelly snuffed out because of Chen Yi's folly.

* * *

Cao Zhi continued to write to me about his travels with his father. His letters kept me entertained with vivid descriptions of the places that he had been to and his thoughts about his father's war campaigns.

Cao Cao's health began to deteriorate as his headaches became more severe. His behavior became more erratic and dangerous. It was rumored that he had killed one of his concubines and his advisor in one of his migraine induced madness. Many physicians tried to cure his sickness but with not much result. Cao Cao had heard of Hua Tuo's reputation as a healer and summoned him to court.

Hua Tuo had tried to cure him but Cao Cao was suspicious of his methods and had Hua Tuo imprisoned. Prior to his execution, Hua Tuo sent me the last bottle of his miracle pills. His disciple was unable to obtain his medical practices scrolls, which were burned by the prison guards. Sadly, he could not replicate his _shifu's_ formula.

I accepted Hua Tuo's precious gift with a sigh and deep regret. Hua Tuo had managed to prolong my life, longer than I could even hope or imagine. He should be honored for his contributions to the medical profession as I wrote a lengthy letter to Cao Pi, asking him to bestow a proper title and recognition to Hua Tuo.

* * *

Not long after that, Cao Cao passed away in Luoyang. He had ordered that his soldiers and court officials not to leave their posts to mourn him, adding that the country was not yet stable and the country needed them more. Cao Cao's funeral went on with smooth dignity and was mourned by many. Cao Pi wept for his father and refused to attend to court matters until his advisors intervened.

I was at home when I received the news of Cao Cao's death – a letter was secretly brought to me by one of his most trusted servants. It was from Cao Cao. I waited until I was alone to open the letter. With deep sadness, I unfolded the paper and read it.

" _I have many regrets. One of them was losing you…"_

His brush strokes were shaky and weak – he must have been very sick when he wrote this. Simple, heartfelt and without embellishment, his words evoked the things that he could not say to me. For all his fame, ambition and power, Cao Cao had a great many regrets. My thoughts flew back to the days when I was in his library, reading scrolls of his poetry and writings – he had taken particular pride in them. His bold and creative use of language had set him apart from the other great poets of our time. The literary world had indeed lost a great treasure.

 _What an extraordinary man,_ I thought as I gradually began to know about the man, Cao Mengde.

He was not what I had expected, this warlord who fought his way to power, a common man who seized his opportunity and broke through the barriers of class and clan. He was flamboyant, arrogant, quick-witted and frequently brutal and not easy to deal with. By sheer strength of personality and ability to manage his men, he won over the loyalty of his officers and of the soldiers under his command.

Politically, Cao Cao employed many of Yuan Shao's former officials, relieved all newly conquered territories of taxes for one year, and devoted his policies to rebuild the territories devastated by war. All these gained him wide popularity, which, prevented any outbreak of rebellion in favor of former rulers.

"Are you not afraid that Yuan Shao's men would one day betray you?" I asked out of curiosity.

"So long a man has ability, I can use him," he once told me.

Oddly, I wished now that I had known him as a ruler. From his records and statements, I could see how Cao Cao had balanced the desire of the local warlords to be independent on their own lands and his own need to bind them to him. Cunningly, he allowed the southern lords greater freedom and greater wealth and status than anyone, since they were the frontline against Liu Bei and Sun Quan.

Cao Pi shared his father's fears of over-mighty lords at court. He too learned of Cao Cao's jealousy of their wealth and power. Power followed wealth and kings new to their throne must hoard both wealth and power.

A tear fell unto the letter, blotting the paper.

 _Farewell, my general..._

* * *

After Cao Cao's death, there was controversy with the succession even though Cao Pi was Crown Prince for some time. His brother Cao Zhang had arrived in Ye with an army because one of the generals had suddenly withdrawn his support for the Cao family. Cao Pi was worried that his brother might usurp the throne so he had their mother, the Dowager Queen Bian issue an edict to name him King of Wei while waiting for Emperor Xian's approval. Cao Zhang pledged loyalty to his brother and withdrew his forces. Now firmly established, Cao Pi went ahead with his coronation as King of Wei. I was dressed as his queen, in exquisite gown of Wei colors and wearing a phoenix crown. I traveled in a litter made of gold, carried high by four guards so everyone could see me as I led his wives, concubines and children into the main hall. Cao Pi, who was crowned first came forward and took my hand, leading me up to the dais. I heard the crowd cheer for us as I turned to look at my husband beside me. He smiled and said, "Are you happy?"

"I am very happy," I responded, thinking of the prophesy told to my father – I had indeed become a noblewoman. I gazed at the rest of Cao Pi's court; his wives, concubines and children before him, his courtiers and army as he declared the Year of Tranquility. It was a great day for Wei. I noticed that not all of Cao Pi's siblings were present. Cao Pi was angered that Cao Zhi and Cao Xiong did not attend the coronation.

Ascension to the throne of Wei drastically changed his perception – he became arrogant, willful, suspicious and cruel. His brother, Cao Xiong committed suicide in fear of punishment. Cao Pi had Cao Zhi arrested and brought back to Ye. Cao Zhi's friends, Ding I and Ding Yi were executed. His behavior toward Emperor Xian was more intemperate than his father's had ever been.

When I heard of Cao Zhi's arrest, I quickly went to Dowager Queen Bian and pleaded for her to intervene. She was shocked that Cao Pi would do such a thing to his own brother and ordered him to release Cao Zhi immediately. There was an incident in the palace which I was not too sure about, which involved Cao Pi and Cao Zhi. Cao Pi was reluctant to release his brother and put him to a test. It was Cao Zhi's poetic brilliance that saved his life. Cao Pi then ordered him to move to the country and forbade him to interfere in politics. I met Cao Zhi at the city gates prior to his departure – he was dressed in a simple garb and a cloak. Dowager Queen Bian and his sister, Qing Er were also present to bid him farewell. They were talking as tears flowed on that windy morning.

"Zi Jian," I called out to him.

"Zhen Fu, I mean _Queen_ Zhen… You came here to see me off too!" he turned to me and exclaimed as I nodded with a smile. I bowed to Dowager Queen Bian and Lady Qing. They were surprised to see me and graciously allowed me to speak with Cao Zhi.

"Zi Jian, I wanted to give you a proper send-off," I began. "I don't know if I will see you again…"

Cao Zhi's smile turned into a frown. "Zhen Fu, why do I sense that this will be the last time I will see you?" he asked worriedly. "You look pale. Are you well?"

I was surprised by his acute observation as I quickly stammered, "Of course, I am well. Please do not worry. You need to take care of yourself. I'm sure your mother and Lady Qing have given you all the advice you need…"

"I am already used to the travel," he quipped, referring to his father's frequent war campaigns as he tapped his sword and backpack by his side. "I'm ready for anything."

"We will miss you," I said with a sigh.

"Promise me that you will continue to write to me," Cao Zhi begged. "I want to know everything that happens here, especially my mother. She is getting old…"

He looked towards his mother standing nearby and sighed. "I wish I could spend more time with her…"

I nodded, hoping that my tears won't fall. I didn't want him to feel that he had abandoned us.

Then, Cao Zhi reached out and picked out a leaf that was stuck on my hair. "You will always be the beautiful goddess of my dreams," he murmured.

Conscious of his hand movement, though innocent as it was, I stepped back and touched my hair. "Thank you, Zi Jian…"

"Farewell, Zhen Fu."

I smiled back and wished him well. Cao Zhi seemed reluctant to leave - he turned back and cast a longing gaze at Ye City as the carriage moved away.

 _Farewell, my friend and brother…_

* * *

One day, while I was teaching Dong Xiang in the classroom, my son Rui came running to me with tears in his eyes. I was alarmed and deeply disturbed by what he told me. Rui had gone to see his father earlier but Lady Guo was there. They had a quarrel and Rui left in tears.

"Lady Guo said that I was not my father's son… That I was a bastard borne of Yuan!"

"That is not true, Rui. Lady Guo is lying," I protested. "What did your father do? Did he not reprimand Lady Guo?"

Rui shook his head angrily. "Father did nothing! He just stood there and did nothing!"

I sighed deeply and told my children to sit down. "There is something that I must tell you both. I wish I didn't have to bring this up because your father and I have talked about this a long time ago. But there are some people who are determined to create tension in this family…"

Slowly, I told them of my past, of who I was before I married Cao Pi. Then, turning to my now teenaged son, I said, "Rui, you are our son and legitimate heir of Wei. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

But my son was inconsolable. "Why didn't Father fight for me?"

"I understand your disappointment and that you are upset… Please do not worry. I will not allow anyone to take away what is rightfully yours."

Wiping away his angry tears with my sleeve, I hugged Rui and sent him back to his room. I asked Zi Yan to take care of Dong as I made preparations to see Cao Pi. Lady Guo sought to create tension between Cao Pi and myself by planting seeds of suspicion in Cao Pi's mind about Rui's parentage. She made it her mission to get rid of me because she wanted my place. I remembered that on Cao Pi's coronation day, Lady Guo was visibly upset when Cao Pi elevated me as his queen. On the pretext of collecting evidence to support Rui as Crown Prince of Wei, she sent Cao Pi's advisors to seek answers from me but I refused to recognize their authority. Lady Guo had no business in deciding who was next in line. They hoped to distress and confuse me with their wicked words. Eventually, Cao Pi listened to their lies about me and I fell out of favor. He was cowardly in that way, refusing to stand up for the truth and refusing to see me.

I went to confront Lady Guo instead as I walked into her chambers unannounced. She was frightened at first but quickly hid behind a mask of indifference. "What brings you here, Queen Zhen?" she said coolly.

"I know what you are doing, Lady Guo," I said. "And it will not work…"

"I'm afraid I do not know what you are referring to," she said coquettishly, fanning herself.

"I know that you have been digging into my background, sending people to ask questions… trying to find a way to dishonor me," I told her. "You can say what you want but I will never let my son be put aside for some bastard got on a Guo!"

Lady Guo was speechless as she trembled under my fierce ire.

"Take this as a warning, Lady Guo… I know Zi Huan better than you. He is not a man that you can seduce, however clever your tricks, however insidious your whispers against me."

At that, I turned and walked out.

A few days later, I was informed that Cao Pi had gone to the capital with his advisors and an army of a few thousand men. Lady Guo had also gone with him.

 _Why did he leave in such a hurry? Why did he not tell anyone about this?_

News of Cao Pi usurping the throne by deposing Emperor Xian reverberated throughout the kingdom and caused me great grief. Rumors were rife that the Han emperor had been killed by Cao Pi. These events were frightening, giving way to uncertainty and turbulent times. Fear of treason charges and possible execution kept me awake at night. News eventually trickled back to Ye that the Emperor was not killed but has retired. He had passed the throne to Cao Pi. He even gave Cao Pi two of his daughters as concubines.

 _All is well for my dear husband, the new emperor_ , I thought sadly. _Now,_ h _e has everything that he ever wanted…_

* * *

At this point, I had passed out a few times due to ill health. The miracle pills that Hua Tuo gave me did not last very long. I tried to delay taking them as much as I could. The pain had spread all over my body as my body began to react to the poison. I refused to see the court physicians as they could not do anything for me.

When Cao Pi had secured his throne, an edict bearing the emperor's seal came, requesting my presence in Luoyang. It seemed strange that Cao Pi would suddenly remember me as he did not bother to even ask about my well-being when he left Ye City. Cao Pi had built a grand palace for me in the capital but I could not travel due to my sickness. The other wives and concubines had been separately invited and had made their own arrangements to travel to Luoyang. The occupants of our residence in Ye slowly emptied, leaving only me, Zi Yan and my personal servants. The emperor's edict came three times. Knowing that Cao Pi would be furious that I refused him so many times, so I wrote a polite letter to him declining the offer, stating my ill health and called for my children. I took the last of Hua Tuo's pills and dressed up elegantly, covering my thin, listless body with layers of cloth so my children would not be shocked and frightened.

"Zi Yan, how do I look?" I asked my long-time companion as I composed myself on a long chaise with cushions and blankets around me.

Zi Yan was trying hard not to cry as she nodded. "Zhen Fu, you look beautiful."

"Silly girl, I know you are trying to be nice to me but really, I don't want my children to be afraid of me when they see me," I told her.

She understood as she took some pearl powder and brushed it under my dark, sunken eyes and painted red rouge on my pale lips. "Now, your children can see you now," she stammered, looking away in tears.

"Thank you, Zi Yan… When I die, you must follow my children to Luoyang. They need you as I needed you all those years ago…"

"Zhen Fu!" Zi Yan wailed and hugged me.

Then I heard a tap on the door. Zi Yan quickly wiped away her tears and went to open it. My children were waiting outside and they came in.

 _They have grown so much_ , I thought as they knelt down in front of me.

I smiled lovingly at them, beckoning them closer. Zi Yan covered her mouth to smother her sobs and quietly shut the door.

"Mother," they said in unison. "I hope you are getting better. Can you not be sick anymore?"

I just smiled.

"Now Rui, my brave boy," I said. "Our long wait has ended. Smile Rui, for your father at last has called for you and your sister to take you to your new home. All I dreamed for you, to be a great ruler one day, I promise that your father will do for you. You have to go with your sister because I cannot go with you. Rui, take care of your sister…"

Rui and Dong started to cry. I could see in Rui's eyes that he knew, deep in his heart that this was the last time that he would see me.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my heart broke. "Don't be sad, Rui. Though I'm far away, I'll be watching you from heaven. Take this jade hairpin and give it to your father when you see him. He will understand…"

"Yes, Mother."

"Look at me one last time, Rui… Dong… Don't forget what you see and remember me. Never forget that you are mine. No matter where you go or what they may call you, you will always be my children…"

I spent a little more time with them, telling them as many things as I could and hoping that they would find comfort in my absence. The emotional toll was enormous but I felt at peace finally. Rui and Dong knelt down and bowed to pay their respects as I gave them one final kiss and said goodbye.

 _Goodbye, my beloved children…_

* * *

 **Author's Note** : _This is probably the hardest chapter that I have had to write. It was a struggle. I guess we all have our moments. Wow, finally! Hope you enjoyed this penultimate chapter. Up next, the final chapter…_

* _Lady Ban was a consort to Emperor Cheng of Han._


	11. Chapter 11

**Reflections in the Twilight (Final)**

 _My heart has rooms that sigh with dust_

 _And ashes in the hearth._

 _They must be cleaned and blown away_

 _By daylight's breath._

 _But I cannot begin the task,_

 _For even dust to me is dear;_

 _For dust and ashes still recall,_

 _My love was here…_

 _I know not how to say Farewell,_

 _When Farewell is the word_

 _That stays alone for me to say_

 _Or will be heard._

 _But I cannot speak out that word_

 _Or ever let my loved one go_

 _How can I bear it that these rooms_

 _Are empty so?_

 _I sit among the dust and hope_

 _That dust will cover me._

 _I stir the ashes in the hearth,_

 _Though cold they be._

 _I cannot bear to close the door,_

 _To seal my loneliness away_

 _While dust and ashes yet remain_

 _Of my love's day.*_

* * *

Summer was almost over as the cold north winds began to blow. There is only peace and quiet in my residence – the old hustle and bustle of activity during this time of the year was gone as I sat in my favorite spot in the lotus courtyard, just outside my room.

My mind played back memories of yesteryears, the good and bad, like reflections in the twilight. My children were with their father in Luoyang and I missed them terribly. Saying goodbye to them was the hardest thing I have had to do. I have dismissed all my servants except Zi Yan, who stubbornly refused to leave my side. "How can I leave you at this time when you need me the most?" she said poignantly. Zi Yan was brave and loyal to the end.

The shadows were growing longer as the sun began to set. In my final hours, my only regret was not saying goodbye to my beloved Cao Pi - the man who came to me in Ye City's darkest hour. Tears slipped down my cheek as I drew a sigh. Memories were all I had now as I let go of everything else.

"You should keep warm, Zhen Fu," Zi Yan advised as she pulled a blanket over my body. I reached out and touched her arm.

"Thank you, Zi Yan… for everything you have done for me…"

"Would you prefer to go inside where it is warmer?" she suggested.

"No, I have been kept indoors for too long… I want to enjoy my last days, basking in the sun and moon," I replied, taking a deep and painful shuddering breath.

Zi Yan began to weep. "This is unfair! Why did you have to die? While that bitch, Lady Guo has everything!"

"Zi Yan," I tried to calm her down. "It is fate and I cannot escape it."

"I hate her… I hate her…"

"You must not bear a grudge against her, Zi Yan… Her enmity is against me and me alone," I said, turning to the rich red sunset. The entire courtyard was bathed in golden orange light.

Suddenly, there was a commotion outside. Zi Yan went out to see what was happening and to my surprise, Lady Guo appeared and had brought along a group of the emperor's guards. Slowly, I stood up to meet her. Lady Guo was wearing an expensive silk robe of imperial colors, her hair adorned with jewels and her shoes were made from gold threads. I looked exceedingly plain standing next to her.

"Lady Guo, this is indeed a surprise," I began with a courtesy bow.

Zi Yan stumbled in and shouted angrily at Lady Guo, "This woman is rude and arrogant! I told her to wait outside but she insisted on coming in here… Don't you forget that my lady is of a higher rank than you! My lady is still the emperor's first wife!"

Lady Guo was furious. "How dare you speak to me… you insignificant, little servant!"

"Zi Yan, please remain calm," I gently admonished. "Since Lady Guo is already here, I will speak with her."

"Thank you, Zhen _Jie_ ," Lady Guo replied. "I knew I will not be expecting a warm welcome in this cold and dark place. I never liked this residence anyway."

With a sigh, I asked, "What do you want, Lady Guo? I am sure you are not here to re-live old memories or boast about your successes…"

She laughed heartily. "No, of course not! I am here to see that the emperor's will is done!"

"What do you mean?" I said.

Then, Lady Guo turned to the guards. "Take her to the main hall! She will listen to the emperor's edict for her!"

"No! Stop!"

Zi Yan tried to prevent the guards from taking me but they roughly pushed her aside, grabbed my arms and marched me to the main hall. They shoved me to the floor in front of the minister who unrolled the scroll and read the edict.

"Lady Zhen, you have committed a grave crime against the emperor by refusing to obey his orders… For this grave offense, you are commanded to commit suicide by consuming poisoned wine…"

I went pale and shivered as the words chilled my heart. My heart thumped painfully in my chest as tears welled up. _Cao Pi,_ _my love, my husband_ , _the emperor has commanded me to die! What have I done to deserve this? He has taken everything from me. Now, he even wants my life! Why?_

Zi Yan screamed in horror as a servant brought the tray with the poisoned wine in an elegant porcelain cup. The guards held Zi Yan back as she struggled hysterically to reach me.

"Zhen Fu…Zhen Fu! Don't drink it! Don't drink it!"

The guards dragged Zi Yan out as I stared at the poisoned cup and laughed at the irony that my life would end on such a tragic note. I turned to Lady Guo and said, "It must be a great victory for you – that you have finally gotten your wish!"

Lady Guo smiled triumphantly, "Yes, your fall is my greatest victory, Zhen Fu. All my life, I was told that I will be a queen one day. That was why my father named me _Nuwang_ (meaning "queen"). I have come this far to achieve my ambition. You are my last stumbling block to becoming the Empress of China!"

"Is that all you have ever wanted, to become the Empress?" I asked simply.

Glowering at me, she retorted, "I don't have grandiose aspirations for love and family. To me, they are a waste of time…"

"Zi Huan will be disappointed to hear that. He loves children…"

"Don't lecture me, Zhen Fu! You have no right!" she spat. "After all, I belong to the man who does not love me. In his heart, there is only one woman."

I blinked. _One woman?_

"You look surprised? You are probably wondering why he would order the death of his beloved…"

 _Zi Huan loves me… he loves me still…_

My mind began to drift at this revelation to the many heartaches and disagreements that we had over the years.

"That is because I asked him to give up the one thing that he loved most in return for the crown of the empire!" said Lady Guo with a smile.

I stared at her, puzzled and dismayed. "Why do you ask this of him? What have I done to you that you need to destroy me?"

"You did the one thing I could not do – you stole his heart… You, a simple woman with no ambition, and without a selfish bone in her entire being …I hate you! I thought that I could make him forget about you but the more I tried to destroy you, with lies, the traps and gossip, the more he turns away from me. At night, the name he calls in his dreams is yours. He never calls my name. He only needs me to do the dirty work for him so he could keep his conscience clean! I realized then that there is a part of him that I can never share; the part that you hold."

"I'm sorry that you feel that way…"

"Shut up!" she shouted. "I don't need your pity, Zhen Fu! I want you dead!"

Calmly, I said, "Why do you think that by killing me, you will obtain his affections?"

"It is the only way he will forget you…"

Lady Guo sounded defeated.

"Tell me, Lady Guo… Did he give the order freely? Did he feel guilty, or even sad?"

Lady Guo then laughed. "He was too drunk, trying to drown his sorrows. He thought that you had left him, thought that you did not want to be with him anymore after you refused him three times…"

"I have my reasons," I told her but did not elaborate further.

 _Zi Huan, I'm so sorry…I couldn't tell you that I was dying…_

A tear rolled down my cheek. I wished I could tell Cao Pi how sorry I was for hiding my condition from him for so long. I was selfish in that way, wanting to hold on to his love as long as I could have it and had unintentionally hurt Lady Guo in the process. If I had died earlier…

"It is time," Lady Guo said gravely as she told the servant to come forward with the poisoned wine.

I took the cup with both hands – its contents clear but deadly. "I will fulfill your wish, Lady Guo," I said, turning my gaze to her. "In return, you must promise me that you will not prevent my son from ascending the throne after his father. And also, you shall not harm Cao Zhi and my children…"

Lady Guo grew nervous as she hastily accepted my terms.

"You have accepted my terms so quickly, Lady Guo," I noted with sarcasm. "Are you not afraid that I will come back as a ghost and haunt you if you break them?"

Suddenly, Lady Guo became frightened. "I… I am not afraid of you," she stammered.

"All right… I will hold on to your promise," I told her as I brought the cup to my lips and drank the poison. My body convulsed as the poison seeped into my bones. I began to bleed from my nose and mouth as my insides burned. Lady Guo's eyes went wide as she saw me collapse, the cup falling away. With a gasp, I stopped breathing altogether and my world faded to black.

* * *

I thought that I died but why was my spirit still lingering here? Why wasn't I lifted up to the heavens like before? My spirit was suspended in between worlds – something was holding me back. But what was it - witchcraft? My earthly life has ended. There was nothing left for me here in this silent void. Then, I began to hear weeping and voices -

 _Cover her face with her hair so that she will never see sunlight ever again and fill her mouth with rice grain shells so that she can never complain to heaven in the afterlife…Zhen Fu, if you think that I will honor my promise to you, then you are naïve and stupid! I will not only make your children suffer, I will kill them, one by one…_

I recognized that voice, it belonged to Lady Guo. She was hovering over my body and gloating about her victory over me, her arch rival. Now, I knew of her true intentions.

 _She lied to me… That evil bitch!_ _I will show her that I will not go away like she wants me to. By the gods, I will show her my vengeance…_

She thought I could not hear her, thought that I was gone forever. The force of my rage was so strong that it jolted my body like a bolt of lightning. And I began to draw a long painful breath, followed by a terrible muffled howl. My eyes shot open and focused on the wooden ceiling above me. I could hear my faint heartbeat getting louder and louder. Hair was covering my face in wispy streaks of black and white and my mouth was dry and filled with choking rice husks. I spat out the stuffing and gagged on the blood as I rose from the wooden crib that was my coffin, the white sheets falling away to reveal white funeral garments. There was incense sticks and candles all around me. I was all alone and realized that I was miraculously still alive!

 _What is happening to me? I am supposed to be dead!_

I stumbled towards a shiny bronze basin filled with fresh flowers and water that was part of my funeral rites and gazed at my own reflection. I nearly jumped with fright at what I saw – a demon with a woman's face whose skin was white as death, her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was streaks of white on black. It must be the strange reaction between Hua Tuo's medication and the poisoned wine that I was somehow still alive. Blood had started to slowly trickle from my tear ducts, nose and mouth, staining my pristine white dress – I knew that I did not have much time left. Before I die, I wished to remind Lady Guo of her promise to me.

I pushed open the door and dragged myself out. In the pale moonlight, my skin turned a haunting shade of blue. I scanned the rooms of the house and saw a light coming from one of them. Fortunately for me, Lady Guo was staying here for the night. There were only a handful of guards around and two that were guarding her door.

 _Be prepared for the fright of your lives_ , I thought as I stepped out in front of them with my hair covering my face and hand pointing at the door to Lady Guo's room. The guards shouted with fright and hastily abandoned their posts, yelling, "Ghost! Ghost!"

Suddenly, Lady Guo burst out of her room in panic. "What is it? Guards, where are you?" she cried out. Then, she noticed that a figure standing a few feet away from her and she screamed in fear, falling clumsily against the door. Her leg got wedged between the door and the frame and she became stuck. Yes, she should be scared as I refused to die and go away like the others. I hissed at her.

" _Remember your promise, Guo Nuwang…"_

She covered her face with her hands and was pleading for mercy. "I'm sorry…Please don't hurt me! Please…"

I purposely dragged my feet and moved closer to this cowering woman. I had to teach her a lesson about keeping promises - I giggled as I whispered in her ear. _"I shall come for you… Remember…"_

Lady Guo was so frightened out of her wits that she trembled and passed out on the corridor. Satisfied that she would heed my warnings, I left the cowardly Lady Guo and returned to the funeral chamber. Weary and tired, I sat down on the steps outside and gazed up at the night sky.

As the night drew to a close, the stars came out in their full glory. A soft breeze was blowing but I was not sleepy. I wanted to see the Weaver Girl Star and the Cowherd Star in the sky – the stars would be close to each other this time of the year. They appeared to me, shining brightly and proclaiming their love for one another. I was a romantic and would always be one. It was cold but I did not mind – I wanted to spend my final hours watching the sky as the moon passed quietly.

As dawn began to break, there was a loud noise shattering the silence – people's voices in every direction. I tried to stand up and accidentally grabbed a flower bush nearby. To my horror, the branch that I touched began to shrivel up and fall off. I stared at my hands and realized that my skin was poisonous – that everything I touched would die.

"Zhen Ji! Zhen Ji!"

There was only one person who would call me by this name.

Suddenly, there were imperial guards everywhere - I ran and hid inside the funeral chamber. My head began to hurt - I did not wish to see Cao Pi! I did not wish to see the person who sent me to death! The person who chose the crown over me… No more…Enough…Let me die in peace…

Cao Pi came straight to the funeral chamber and was shocked to see the empty coffin. From behind the wooden panels, I observed him through the narrow slits. He picked up the white sheets and mourned bitterly, "Where is she? When is my Zhen Ji?!"

"Your Majesty," reported one of the generals. "We have searched everywhere and we can't find her body."

"She is dead! My Zhen Ji is dead!" he broke down and was inconsolable. "Her body has to be here somewhere… Search the house again!"

"Yes, Your Majesty!"

My heart went out to him as I unwittingly let out a sob. I quickly covered my mouth but it was too late.

Cao Pi heard it and stood up immediately, looking around the room. "Who is there?"

He looked terrified and I could not let him see me like this. Cao Pi should remember me as the beautiful woman he married, not this demon woman that I had become. I ran out of my hiding place. It did not matter where I ran to – I just wanted to get as far away as possible.

"Stop where you are! Who are you?" shouted Cao Pi but I ignored him. He was shocked to see a white haired-demon woman fleeing the scene.

I was being pursued by Cao Pi and his imperial guards as I headed towards the river. I untied a boat and climbed onboard but the tide was not swift enough to carry me away. Cao Pi, who was ahead of the soldiers, lunged for the rope that secured the boat and managed to grab the ends, preventing my escape. His men gathered around him and started to pull the boat back to shore.

"Demon woman! Return my wife to me… Give me back my Zhen Ji!" Cao Pi shouted from the shore.

I realized that Cao Pi and the soldiers would be in danger if they were to touch my skin so I stood up in the boat, my back facing them and held up my hand.

"Stop! Do not come any closer or you will all be in terrible peril! Your Majesty, if you wish to know about your wife, tell your men to retreat to at least five li from the shore. I will speak with you, only you alone," I told them in a loud voice.

The soldiers protested as their duty was to protect the emperor. "There are many of us and only one of you," a general shouted back.

"Then I will jump into the river and drown myself. Then, your emperor will never find his wife again!" I replied with a firm voice.

"No! Don't do that!" Cao Pi cried out in panic. He quickly ordered his men to retreat. The soldiers tied the rope to a stump and left us.

When we were alone at last, Cao Pi said, "Now will you tell me where you have put my wife's body?"

"Why do you want to know where she is? Why did you come to Ye? Your Majesty has commanded her death!" I said bitterly as I remained in the boat, the river a vast gulf between us.

Cao Pi let out a sigh. "It is my fault that she is now dead… I made a foolish promise that I cannot rescind. It was my pride that caused her death! And I am sorry I could not save her. The least I can do is give her a proper burial, befitting a royal empress to atone for my sins…"

"Why would she want that?" I snorted derisively.

"Because she is my empress! Zhen Ji has been with me for more than ten years and she had sacrificed a lot for me… She deserves the honor…"

His words shook me to the core – yes, I have suffered and sacrificed all for the sake of love. To hear him speak of me so highly brought tears to my eyes. It was not easy to love Cao Pi and there were times that I almost wanted to give up. I still had my back to him so he could not recognize me.

"I know you have taken Zhen Ji's body. Please tell me, what do you want in return for her?" Cao Pi asked.

Slowly, I turned around and said calmly, "I do not want a grand funeral … All I ever wanted was for you to take care of our family…"

Brushing my long hair aside, I raised my eyes and met his. Cao Pi gasped with shock as he fell back on the ground, his eyes wide with fear. "Zhen Ji?!"

"Yes, that is right… I am Zhen Ji," I replied. "The poisoned wine did not kill me but turned me into this hideous creature!"

"Y…You are alive! H…how did this happen?" he stammered uncertainly.

I shook my head. "I don't know exactly…"

Then, I proceeded to tell him about my illness and Hua Tuo's experimental medicines. If not for his brilliant methods, I would have died long ago. It was my decision to make and I did it willingly. The poison that was already in my body must have reacted with the poisoned wine and somehow, kept me in this state of being, neither alive nor dead.

"Come back with me, Zhen Ji. I will find the best physicians in this world to cure you," he promised.

His earnestness touched my heart, though I knew that my life was beyond saving.

"Let me go, Zi Huan," I told him finally. "I understand that you had to make a choice. You chose what you thought was most important to you, and chose to abandon me. That is merely your choice. I do not hate you because I was not chosen by you… I have also made choices and bore the consequences…"

"I won't give you up!" he said determinedly. Cao Pi tried to pull the boat back to shore by himself but it was too heavy and so, he jumped into the water and attempted to swim to my boat.

"Stop, Zi Huan… You cannot come any nearer. My… my skin is poisonous. If you touch me, you will die!" I warned. Cao Pi stopped and stared at me forlornly.

I sighed. "You came for me. That is enough…"

"I can't save you," he laughed bitterly. "What good is an emperor if he cannot even save the one he loves?!"

"There is no cure for my illness, Zi Huan…"

"I want to protect you forever…"

I smiled weakly. "Do you remember Zi Huan? When we first met…"

"How can I ever forget?" he replied in tears. "Zhen Ji, you were the first woman I ever loved…"

"And I won't be the last… but that is all right. Despite all my faults, you loved me the best you could. Zi Huan, promise me that you will be strong and take care of our children…"

Cao Pi was sobbing. "I am not that strong… I don't know if I can…"

"Zi Huan, you will always be my handsome warrior, so strong and brave…"

He nodded with his head hung down.

"The tide is coming in… I would like to go peacefully," I said as the sun began to rise over the mountains. "Zi Huan, please cut the rope and release me… Let us say our goodbyes."

With a huge sigh, Cao Pi composed himself and took out a gilded knife from his belt. He reluctantly cut the rope and allowed the boat to drift away.

"Goodbye, my beloved," I whispered, watching him standing in the shallow waters until the mists took him from my sight.

"Zhen Ji! Zhen Ji!"

His anguished cries echoed through the silence as I lay back down in the boat as it drifted downstream. I was falling apart and barely breathing. There was no pain greater than the pain in my heart as tears flowed. _Take away this pain_ , I cried. _Please take it away... I cannot bear it..._

I felt a warm comforting touch of the sun's rays as my sobs quieted. A profound sense of peace enfolded me. The sound of the water splashing against the boat was calming as my eyelids grew heavy and my heartbeat hushed.

* * *

 **Epilogue**

In the spirit world, time has no meaning and relevance. I can take on any shape or float anywhere I want. My previous life seemed like a long dream and I cannot remember much of it anymore. However, I seem to have an affinity toward life around Luo River – the trees, plants and animals, even the people who make a living along its banks – the fishermen, the women who do their washing and the children who play there.

On warm summer days, I made the cool breeze blow and freeze the rivers so that the children could play on the frozen ice in the winter. It was strange that the trees and animals could sense my presence and the human children too. They told their parents of a "Luo Shen", a goddess of Luo River who lived there. Soon, the people began to offer prayers to this river goddess whose fame began to spread as a beautiful sprite who cared for everything that lived along the river.

One day as I watched the children playing by the riverbank, I noticed a group of well-dressed gentlemen who had taken a rest near my domain. They were travelers from the capital, I thought. There was a particular man in that group that caught my eye – he looked familiar, a handsome man but with sad and sorrowful face. Cautiously, I ventured closer to the group, keeping my presence hidden.

They were talking about their trip to see the emperor in Luoyang. The handsome gentleman was not paying attention to the conversation, instead he was looking out toward the river as he sighed.

"Do not be sad, Your Excellency. Lady Zhen has been ill for a long time. Be comforted that she does not need to suffer any more," one of the elders said to him.

"I did not get to see her one last time," the handsome prince said as a tear began to roll down his cheek. "I feel like a part of me has died with her…"

He seemed to be holding on to an embroidered pillow, his hands gently caressing it.

"Leave me alone for a while," the prince told his men. "I need some time by myself."

They bowed and left him by the riverbank. The prince started to drink wine as he sat down and wept.

 _The woman must have meant a lot to him_ , I thought.

From behind the swaying reeds, I observed this prince until the sun began to set. He didn't seem to be in a hurry to get home as he continued to watch the river with misty eyes. I sent him a gentle breeze to soothe his aching heart and he murmured a name, _Zhen Fu_ …

That name felt familiar, from a dream long ago.

" _Sister! Sister!"_ a fellow nymph called to me. _"It is time to go back to our world."_

I nodded and before I left my hiding place, I turned back to look at the handsome prince again. Suddenly, he gasped and then shouted out, "Zhen Fu! Is that you?"

I was startled. _Was he calling to me? Why did he call me, Zhen Fu?_

"Come back!" he called to me again.

I hesitated for a moment as we stared at each other.

"If you are really the spirit of Zhen Fu, then you will remember me, Cao Zi Jian!" he cried out.

I smiled and floated away.

As I slept in my boat-shaped bed, I was distracted by his sorrow and pain, and also his uncanny ability to see me, which was not possible. I left my home in the clouds and descended to the earth again, in hopes that I could find this prince. I found him in an upstairs room of a guesthouse. He was asleep.

"Cao Zi Jian," I whispered softly.

He replied with a murmur, "Zhen Fu..."

That name again, I thought as I touched his head and entered his dreams. I found him, the prince, sitting under a shady oak tree and reading a book. He dropped his book when he saw me approaching. "Zhen Fu, I am dreaming," he said with a broad smile as he stood up and came over to me. "It is good to see you..."

I stared blankly at him.

He was a little saddened that I did not know what he was talking about.

"Please sit down with me," he said and offered me a seat. "I know that you do not remember, perhaps it is for the best. You came because you want to know about Zhen Fu."

I nodded.

Zi Jian then began his story about a beautiful lady named Zhen Fu...

After he had finished his story, he was sobbing and heartbroken. I reached out and gently touched his hand and blew a warm breath that caressed his wet cheeks. He closed his eyes and felt greatly comforted.

"Will you stay a little while longer?" he asked as if unwilling to let me go.

I merely smiled at the unhappy prince.

 _Sleep well, my prince..._

Then, I floated away, back to where I belonged.

When he woke up the next morning, the prince picked up his brush and started to write what would be his dedication to the love of his life, _Gan Zhen Fu_.**

 **THE END**

* * *

 **Author's Note** : _I hope you enjoyed reading this fanfic and yeah, the ending was all me. I couldn't decide on which version to follow so I decided on my own ending._

 _* Nirvana in Fire, OST. I like the version sung by Liu Tao._

 _** Emperor Cao Rui later changed it to Luo Shen Fu (_ _Rhapsody on the Goddess of the Luo)_


End file.
